For King And Country (not mine)

Present Day III

In the two weeks since the Captain's letter had been uncovered, Havers had had only a handful of moments alone with the Captain.
Each time he'd tried to initiate a conversation, he'd catch the tension in the Captain's jaw, the barely concealed nerves held in the tightness of his posture, and the words had died in his mouth.
The Captain had been strategically trying to avoid as many private moments as he could, and he fiddled more and more with his swagger stick than he had in the last seventy-five years.
So Havers waited. He would get nowhere if he cornered the Captain. The other man was stubborn and fearful. He became closed off and cold when he feared something, and Havers wouldn't be the one to make him feel like that.
Havers sat and listened in pleasant silence as his fellow ghosts shared personal moments from their lives. Some were more hard-hitting than others, but all meant a great deal to Havers.
They were all here for Kitty. Each shared something to distract from her going through her last precious memories, so long ago now that only the most poignant remained.
Havers was starting to feel that. He remembered his dear sister's face, but the edges used to be clearer. He could no longer remember whether her eyes had been the same shade of brown as his, or hazel like their mother's. Had she always had no freckles? He was sure that she'd had freckles at some point.
Did she play the piano, as Havers did? Or was it guitar, like their father? Or perhaps violin, like their mother? Or maybe she was the singer of the family.
Havers remembered singing carols with his family at Christmas and could never pinpoint the melodic voice that came in his memories.
It had been so long since he'd committed to remembering everything that had been his alone.
He was so used to communal items and space between ghosts, between soldiers, between him and the Captain.
He wasn't so sure if he knew what it was like to have anything to himself anymore.
"Kitty," Alison's voice brought him back to himself, and he focused again. "Do you think it's a coincidence that your sister-"
"Yes! Well ... it's funny, isn't it? How things work out sometimes?" The Captain interrupted suddenly. Havers could almost feel the protectiveness radiating off him from beside Pat, directly opposite the Captain.
The Captain cleared his throat, and Havers knew he was stalling for time, waiting for someone else to say something, to find anything to talk about that would take away from the upset that memories would cause Kitty.
"Was there something you wanted to share?" Alison asked curiously.
"W-well, I ... I - um - I'm ..." The Captain stuttered. He looked flustered for the first time in years, and Havers' heartstrings tugged almost painfully.
Come on, Teddy.
Maybe Havers had been wrong all these years. Maybe the Captain had worked through it all.
It might be easier for him to get it out in a group, surrounded by the nearest thing he had to a family, rather than to individuals.
Even if Havers desperately wanted the Captain to tell him, to confide in him as he had once upon a time, Havers was almost breathless at the idea that his Captain no longer felt unsafe.
My love, you have come so far. Just a small phrase. I know you can do this.
Havers wished that the Captain would just look at him, to know it was alright, to have some kind of reassurance to lean on.
He had relied on that once, the endless support that Havers had supplied.
Havers had stood strong at his shoulder, a barrier between the rolling eyes and muffled smirks behind well-timed coughs. They had never hit the Captain half as hard when Havers was there to encourage him. The Captain had known that if nothing else, his lieutenant was by his side.
If only the Captain could look at Havers now and see the unspoken words behind his eyes. They had always been so good at communicating in a way no one else understood.
Havers held his breath as Alison smiled, nodded slightly and the Captain continued.
"I'm - uh ..." He tried again. He inhaled again, his features smoothing out a little. The next time was more confident. "I'm ..."
The silence was deafening, and Havers was sure he could see everyone around him waiting for the words to come out. It was the first time he'd noticed, but now he knew.
Everyone in this room knew about the Captain's attractions, and none of them had ever mentioned it. They had allowed him the time to figure it out, come to terms with it, find the words and tell them on his terms. They hadn't forced him.
It made Havers melt internally. It was such an inconsequential thing to the other ghosts, but to men like the Captain and Havers ... it meant their lives.
"... Unable to think of anything that would warrant sharing." The Captain finished after a few moments.
Havers released his breath, the anticipation giving up its grip on his lungs.
It was okay. Havers wanted to smile anyway. The Captain had come so close to saying the words. After so long and so much pain, he had come closer than ever before. The thought made Havers want to jump for joy.
So many years of watching the Captain hide behind his rank had rid Havers of a large chunk of hope that his superior would ever allow himself to accept himself fully. But this showed that he was on the mend now.
The Captain's words earlier, "What's so brave about talking?" echoed in his ears, and Havers marvelled at how quickly someone could be proven wrong.
"Perhaps Thomas could ..." The Captain gestured towards the poet, allowing him to take the floor, and Havers tried not to be disheartened when the Captain still refused to look at him.
~
"Alison, might I say something?" Havers asked. His leg bounced a little out of nerves, an old habit that used to drive everyone around him mad. He hadn't done it in a long time, finding not much to be nervous about these days.
Preying on his mind was the realisation that if the group knew about the Captain's attraction to men, would they also know about Havers' same attraction?
How would they all feel about two of them in the same house, having known each other during life and being as close as they were?
Havers knew that the ghosts had seen a lot of what had happened at Button House during the war.
He hoped and prayed they hadn't walked in on them at any point.
"Yes, of course!" Alison exclaimed happily. "Go ahead, Havers."
Havers swallowed hard, heart pounding. The truth was that seeing the Captain come so close made Havers want to take this opportunity too. Maybe the Captain needed more time, but Havers felt like too much time had passed for him.
He hadn't realised until now that he had the chance to say it. It had never occurred to him that he was still frozen in time in every sense, able to be free now in this new age.
Hiding was becoming more suffocating every day that passed, like a noose slowly tightening around his neck. Despite being dead, the secrets he had kept in life still haunted him, and he didn't want to force himself to neglect the things that made up who he was. No more than he already had, anyway. Havers had spent far too long doing that.
"There's only one person that I know for sure also knows, but we never talked about it in depth. It's ... complicated. It was taboo back in my day, you see. A lot of bad things could have happened if anyone found out. I was lucky I encountered someone who understood." Havers explained. "I've never said it aloud. And it's ... it's hard for me to say. But it's very important to me."
"Take your time," Alison encouraged. "It's okay."
"There's new terminology for it now, so perhaps it's best if I use that. Get with the times, I suppose." Havers chuckled nervously. "What I'm trying to say is that ... I'm - I'm gay."
He stuttered slightly on the last two words, his brain trying to backtrack and trip him up, screaming at himself to stop. It was much like what the Captain's brain would've been doing.
Alison's face brightened, and she smiled widely. "Oh, Havers, that's fantastic! I wish I could hug you, but I suppose congratulations are the next best thing! I'm so proud of you."
"That's great, mate," Pat said, grinning and nudging Havers gently. "Happy you told us."
Something about Pat's smile and his words struck deep in Havers' chest, and he felt like things were right with the world again. For the first time in a long time, Havers felt like he could breathe a little easier, no longer choking on all the things he had cooped up inside him.
"What are you happy about?" Kitty asked.
Havers laughed and ducked his head. Of course, Kitty would ask that. He was so fond of her, and he would've felt more anxious if someone else had asked the same question.
"It means a different thing nowadays, Kitty," Alison explained.
"What does it mean, Havers?" Kitty asked. She looked genuinely intrigued, and Havers loathed to disappoint her.
"Well ... these days, it describes someone who falls in love with someone of the same gender rather than the opposite one," Havers said. "There were many different words for it when I was alive. Horrible things filled with nothing short of vitriol. Not to mention the physical ways in which a person could be targeted. It was a very scary time to be alive." "But loving someone is a good thing!" Kitty said.
"I agree, Kitty," Havers said. "It's a wonderful feeling. It's dare I say one of my favourite feelings."
"Oh, me too!" Kitty shifted excitedly in her seat, beaming brightly at Havers. "I love loving people!"
Havers couldn't help but smile. It was difficult for him to not smile around Kitty. She was bubbly and friendly and the one person everyone had a guaranteed soft spot for. Even if they were frustrated with her, Kitty was impossible to hate.
"You know, Havers, I knew a few gay politicians back in the '80s," Julian started. "You lot throw some pretty good parties, I can say that."
Havers chuckled. From Julian, that was probably the closest thing to congratulations he would ever get. It probably was a very positive thing in his mind.
"I'll vouch for that one," The Captain jumped in. "Havers organised Christmas parties for us back in the day. Spectacular events, all of them. Very lively, good for lifting the spirit."
Havers looked at him, saw the way he shifted nervously, his fingers drumming lightly on his stick.
He wants to say it. Be patient with him, William. He's trying. It's not easy to choke on something as big as this.
"I don't know about that, sir," Havers replied with a small smile. "It was as simple as running drills."
He glanced towards Fanny, who seemed shocked but quiet, obviously choosing the option to avoid outcry.
She had gotten better since the same-sex wedding almost a year before, and she was the one that Havers worried about most. Not for himself, but for the Captain. He and Fanny were good friends.
Negative comments or anger from her would break his heart completely.
"Well, why don't we go back to Kitty, if that's alright, Havers?" Alison suggested.
"Y-yes, of course! Sorry, Kitty. This is supposed to be about you." Havers said.
It was a little too eager of him, perhaps, to quickly shift the attention away from him. Especially when this ambush was supposed to be about protecting Kitty.
But he had gotten rid of the anvil on his chest, and he was able to breathe deeper and easier now.
And now, all Havers wanted to do was carry on with pride, knowing that he was still loved and wanted.