Sanctuary Reviews

Mademoiselle Noire by Borbityborb

Thank you for your patience @Borbityborb.

*****

Mademoiselle Noire is an intriguing and macabre twist on the Rapunzel story. Cendre, also known as Mademoiselle Noire, has been locked away in a tower because her hair infects anything it touches with a terrible plague. The Knight Maelle Blanc is sent on a quest on behalf of the Kingdom of Froid to spy on their rival Kingdom Pure, when he encounters Mademoiselle Noir's fabled tower and sets out to find out if Cendre can be of assistance.

The cover features the titular Mademoiselle Noire. The image of the character fits her description in the story. However, the cover is missing the title of the story and the author's name or pen name.

The blurb is short and straight to the point. The concept of the story is conveyed efficiently. It can often be difficult to write a concise description and I think it was well executed here. I did notice there was an inconsistency between the description and the story – the blurb mentions Maelle as a Prince when in the story he is described as a knight. There was also a slight typo in the last line – there should be an 'it' between 'worth' and 'to leave.'

There were instances of telling when showing could have served better. For example, there was some exposition right at the beginning that gets explained again through dialogue later on in chapter two when Maelle tells Cendre how he found her. There's an opportunity to build up the tension between Maelle and Cendre because we the readers know Maelle wants her help fighting in the war. When Maelle lies and tells her he was chasing a thief and that's how he found her tower, could be expanded on and drawn out to increase the conflict and dramatic irony. I really liked this conflict and tension between them and it would be nice to see it expanded and intensified.

I think Maelle reading Cendre's diary, but hiding it from her is also another great point of conflict between them that could be explored further. Though I did find Maelle coming across the diary wide open on the exact page explaining everything came off as a bit too convenient. The diary could be utilizated as an avenue to show us more of what is going on via Maelle flipping through it and gathering the story in sections, or bits here and there. When the information is given all at once, the tension is reduced.

Also, in chapter three, the floor they're currently exploring is announced like a page break when it could be worked into the narrative.

The descriptions were concise, as well as enabled me to picture the story, with lines such as; "it seemed the dense woods wished to trap him for eternity in its fog, thorns, and darkness." I also found the use of unique similies to be charming and refreshing and evoked clear images in the mind.

The macabre atmosphere and aesthetic was appealing. My favorite aspect was the instruments Cendre had crafted from cat gut and bones. I was unclear on what the cello in particular was meant to look like. It is described as being made from a femur, implied it is only one bone. However, cellos are a rather large instrument that would need to consist of many bones. I was also wondering how Cendre had come to know how to craft various instruments.

Overall, I thought the instruments were such a clever idea and also served to show more of Cendre's personality. She comes across as a sweet girl, creative, and clever, but also with some dark undertones. She is willing to make the best of a bad situation. However, in comparison, we see only a little of Maelle. It would be interesting for him to be fleshed out a bit more, and we can see more of what his desires and motivations are. I thought characterisation was handled well throughout via dialogue and action.

There were some areas where I thought the descriptions could be expanded upon. I enjoy the worldbuilding of the story, and as I sunk deeper into it, I wanted to know more. I was curious how much control Cendre has over her hair in general? She seemed confident enough that she could keep it from hurting the horse Favoritus, yet was hesitant to leave her tower because she didn't want to hurt anything, or anyone accidentally. I was also wondering about the scope of her hair. The first time we meet her, I was under the impression it was quite long, but could be tied up, but in further chapters, we see it winds throughout the castle. I would also like to have seen more on how Maelle was able to avoid her hair, especially while he was wandering the castle in the dark.

I noticed a few inconsistencies within the story, and some points that could have been more clear. When Cendre and Maelle reunite with the horse Favoritus, I wondered how long Maelle was in the tower, and how long Favoritus was kept waiting and how he survived out in the woods. There was a contradiction between chapter one and two on how Cendre was cursed; in chapter one, the diary entry mentions she was cursed by a witch, but in chapter two, she says she was born this way. If she was cursed before she was born, that would make sense, however, the way it was presented in the diary was that the curse happened suddenly when she was a child. There were also some inconsistencies on how quickly the plague acts. In some instances it is mentioned people inflicted with it die instantly, while other instances describe it as slow and painful. It was also a bit unclear if touching Cendre in general will inflict the plague, or if it's only her hair. Cendre mentions she can't touch Maelle, but in a later section grabs him by the arm.

The tone and pacing of the story, as well as the dialogue made it read like a fairytale which, as a retelling of Rapunzel, I found suited the story nicely. Though there were some instances, particularly within dialogue, where the narrative would shift into a more modern way of speaking, such as when Cendre says, "you seem all nervous" to Maelle. There are also some tense shifts, and areas where the syntax could be adjusted for clarity and flow.

I like this twist on the Rapunzel story. The macabre aesthetic and tone, coupled with the cadence of a fairytale is appealing. The concept of a Rapunzel character bringing plague, and potentially participating in a war as a bioweapon is unique and I was interested to see where the story is headed.

- Mandie (TheQueenofGremlins)