Sanctuary Reviews

What the Eyes Can See by heyennbee

What the Eyes Can See

By heyennbee

He moved. His hands reached into the inside of his jacket. What would he bring out? A gun? A knife? He seemed the type to have a gun. He wore a leather jacket that might have been cheaper than it looked and washed jeans that had seen better days. I imagined a tattoo of a geisha on his bicep. Something he regretted and would continue to regret for the remainder of his days.

This story, as demonstrated by the excerpt above, is a masterclass in description, character, and tension. Every single paragraph is snappy, witty, and extremely driven. Mystery is this story's greatest asset. The reader feels intrigued while reading but never overwhelmed. It isn't for younger or teenage readers, however, both in terms of reading comprehension and mature themes. The reader has to be pretty patient as the story takes its time to explain itself and it takes a while to figure out what is going on (the setting, what is happening, the main character's powers, etc.) I love this style and there is nothing about it that I think needs changing, but it may not be accessible to all readers, especially on a platform that primarily features simple, easy-to-read fiction that's fast-paced and bite-sized. Content that requires patience can feature some of the best writing. But not all readers–especially in our digital age–are open to that, unfortunately. My point is, keep doing what you're doing, and don't be discouraged if readers express impatience or click away.

Bottles. Smoke, Cigarette stubs. Walls that housed more fungus than paint.

I love your use of particularity and your staccato incomplete sentences. They truly make your descriptions exquisite and I enjoyed every single one. They definitely contribute to the dark, gothic horror tone of your story and I think this story would look well on a bookshelf next to some of Stephen King's titles which use very similar techniques to accomplish the same thing.

I also really appreciate the techniques you use in your dialogue.

"Time and time and time again, I've told you not to call me that. Also, stop trying to find a spare key. There isn't one. I've told you that also time and time again." I pushed him aside and, after fishing out my keys, opened the door.

Ryan closed the door after him. "Annie? Why? I thought you liked it when I called you that." He hung his coat on the rack. I handed him mine as well.

"No, no, I hate it when you do that. You–" I jabbed a finger in his face "--do not have the freedom to call me that."

The intonation, pauses, quick beats, emotional drive...all of these elements come together in your dialogue to make it very effective. Whenever your characters spoke, they were very alive to me, and I could hear them clearly in my head.

You know it's funny actually, I've been reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman after watching the Netflix series. We've been discussing gothic horror in my critique groups as well as the writing in that franchise. What the Eyes Can See definitely feels like a story that could exist in that universe. The elusive writing, the creepy characters, the powers, the unique, dreamy feeling of your storytelling...it all serves the genre very well. This is a distinctive story with strong, confident writing. I hope to see you create more content like this because you excel in it.

Thank you for applying for a review.

See you, space cowboy.