Sanctuary Reviews

Yesterday by Bonolo20K

Yesterday

By Bonolo20K

 This review was requested from me at the Rose Gold review shop, but they have been unresponsive. I didn't sign a non-compete and you've been waiting so long for me to get to your story that I'm just going to post it here.

Life isn't meant for others and substance was just a ticket to get free will. But once cleaned things get harder. So the question always remains flawed or flawless, yet what's more, lucid trimmers a massacre what lies behind someone's past. So, can you good at keeping secrets?

Your blurb doesn't accomplish what a blurb should do: introduce the main character, their motivations. The antagonist, their motivations. The setting, the inciting event, then a hint at the final battle. I like that you are attempting to present your story from a thematic perspective and I think that will help you later as you continue to rewrite and edit. But your readers need to be able to gather the essentials from your blurb: who is the main character? What do they want? Who is the antagonist? What do they want and why? Where does this take place? What is the inciting event and what are the stakes? And then maybe one sentence that encapsulates the thematic principle. I would recommend starting with a logline. I like K.M. Weiland's templates from her workbook Outlining Your Novel:

(Description protagonist) must (do something) when (inciting event) makes them (go on a journey) while (fighting, running away from, etc.) (description antagonist) in a (setting here or the stakes).

Or more simply:

(Inciting incident) + (protagonist) + (journey) + (the stakes)

I really struggled to understand what this story was about from a thematic viewpoint. Good stories are about protagonists who have "trouble." It's usually a deep internal flaw that causes them to make the decisions that drive the plot. This story was pretty unfocused. The opening asks "is it wrong when a girl starts to get curious what sex means at the age of ten?" Then later the chapter explores what hope means to the main character. The second chapter explores this theme of "pathetic people" and how the main character "can't stand them." There isn't really one thematic principle that this story focuses on and for this reason, it's kind of all over the place...as well as the plot itself.

The inciting event is about the main character suffering a car accident. Soon after the accident in the first chapter, they are visiting a friend who has cancer and acting as if they weren't in a car accident at all. Later in the chapter, the reader figures out that the main character is also in the hospital rehabilitating after the crash, but this isn't clear and the transition from the inciting event to this scene is rough. Every chapter feels like the start of a brand new story with the main character as the only consistent component throughout the book because the new scenes aren't very clear in establishing themselves. Who, what, when, where, why, and how? I've been preaching the reporter's six questions a lot in my reviews lately because I've found that a lot of these manuscripts aren't communicating the basics to the reader very well. But these are early drafts and I am hesitant to judge them so harshly.

I would recommend choosing one thematic principle for you main character and allowing that to drive your story. Then, slow down the pacing and focus on fleshing out your scenes completely, communicating the setting, the plot beats, the characters, the timeline, and whatever mechanics in your story instigate the events (how did the car accident happen? How did Melody end up in the hospital? Was it because they were drinking?) Perhaps Melody and her friend's struggle with substances can be the big "problem" of the story, the thematic principle, the "why the main character gets into the situations she's in." And then explore the motivations behind Melody's addiction to substances. Insecurity? Peer pressure? Anxiety? Fear? Recklessness? How else can this flaw of hers drive the plot and determine her decisions? That's how we clarify our stories and create compelling characters. It's how we design our thematic principles and give life to our work.

This story has some good ideas and puts a young, relatable character in the spotlight. With some adjusting, it's sure to connect with your readers.

Thank you for applying for a review.

See you, space cowboy