A Mother's Word

Chapter Fourteen

I ended up having to stay in hospital for three weeks, they had moved me to five different wards during that time as they discussed my next steps to recovery. The nurses were fantastic and followed my care plan down to the wire, they were introducing small amounts of nutrients in to my diet daily. I had still been eating at home before this happened, but when they asked me to write a weekly food daily of what my eating had looked like, it was very shocking how very little I had been eating. Mum had even informed the doctors that I had started eating away from my family and would often retreat to my 'safe space' where I would nibble food like a little mouse, becoming full as soon as the food had touched my lips. I hadn't noticed how ill I had become, I had put all my symptoms down to my cutting episodes and the amount of blood I had been losing, it didn't once cross my mind that I was feeling this way after losing weight dangerously.

Mum, dad and Amy had drawn up a rota of who was coming to see me during visiting hours and I had several appointments with counsellors, dieticians and health care advisors during my stay. Everyone was brilliant, they all talked to me like a human being, all information was spoken about in front of me and decisions about my next steps were made as a whole. Lying in the hospital bed made me feel so much better, although people around me were extremely ill and fighting their own demons and illnesses, the place felt safe. The police would monitor the corridors regularly, especially if they had brought someone in for assessment from the police station, and seeing them would bring happiness to me. I knew the longer I was in hospital for, the less likely Jenny and Becki would be able to bully me. This theory would have been true if social media hadn't been invented!

Mum and Amy were very persistent in monitoring my phone usage whilst I was in hospital, they had searched my website history which I had forgotten to delete and seen that I had been searching dark websites. The videos they had watched made them feel sick, they couldn't understand why I had searched for them in the first place and didn't go to them for help and support. When you're fighting your own demons in your mind, the last thing you do is confide in your family. The thoughts take a hold of you and drag you down, they make you believe that no one understands and is even remotely interested in the way you feel, it's an awful feeling, and it all comes under one area known as 'Mental Health'.
I looked at the rota on the wall which Amy had printed off for me and seen that mum was due to come in the following day, I asked Amy who was beside me at the time to ask mum to bring in my phone and charger as I wanted to try and make contact with Adam, although my family were being supportive I needed to talk to my best friend. Amy looked at me worried, they hadn't mentioned Jenny and Becki at all during my recovery, so I naively thought things had settled down between the families, however Amy decided to inform me of some things that had been happening during my absence.

I was unaware at the time, but during our shopping spree all those weeks ago before I had passed out, we were being followed around town by Jenny and Becki. They had found out we were going shopping and had decided to follow us that day, every shop we had walked in to, apparently they were very close behind us. When I had later collapsed on the floor instead of helping mum they had pushed her to one side, then stood over my body, took their phones out of their pockets and had taken photos of me, they had then uploaded them on to the internet, and it had gone viral. My face was now a meme, and strangers on the internet had started writing different captions over my picture. Mum and dad had got the police involved who had told Jenny to remove the picture, but it was far too late, it had already been shared hundreds of times, and therefore was already out there in the world for everyone to see.
Some of the captions were apparently awful, and the police were trying to identify the people behind the keyboards who had written them, however; a majority of the people were disgusted by what they had seen and had reported the picture to the social media sites they had landed on. Amy had also busily set up a petition for the picture to be banned, but according to some site rules the picture was in their own words 'suitable for viewing'. It was shockingly disgusting!
After the police had spoken to Jenny and told her to take it down Mum took it upon herself and knocked on Jenny's door, her mum had answered, and my mum had tried to persuade her to talk to Jenny and stop the bullying from happening, but all mum got in return was Jenny's mum's spit on her clothes and a door firmly shut in her face!
During my hospital stay, Jenny had also been causing trouble on the street, she had vandalised people's properties by destroying plant pots, ornaments and flowerbeds, she had encouraged and bribed her brothers Thomas and Elias to vandalise cars, and she would pay them. They would all throw stones at windows, shout at everyone who came on to the street, played music loudly and Jenny had also told Poppy on several occasions to perform sex acts on one of the local boys in front of everyone, if she didn't oblige she was kicked out of their 'gang' for good. Police were making a regular appearance on our street now but what ever happened the results were always the same, the family were only ever given a caution.
Mum had written every detail down in her little black book and had rung the police to inform them of what had been happening, but their response each time was a firm comment "please keep away from them, we are watching the family closely!"

Amy had also informed me that Becki had tried to make contact several times by texting my phone. Mum and Amy had been ignoring the messages and as soon as they came through they were deleted.

Finally, it was my release date from hospital and as everyone prepared around me for my departure, I didn't know how to feel. I had been using the hospital as my new safety net, the nurses faces were now familiar to me and I had made friends with a girl called Ellie who was in the cubicle next door to me - she was very nice, although she didn't speak a huge amount. I had grown to get used to the routines of my day, breakfast was always at 8am and then visiting times would be 9am - 11.30am, dinner would be served at 12pm - 1pm and then a further visiting slot was 2pm - 4.30pm followed by tea at 5pm - 6pm, it was then wind downtime before lights out at 9.30pm. Throughout the day, appointments would be booked according to what was needed in our care plans and the porter would come and collect us and then bring us back when we had finished. It had become my norm.
Dad had agreed to pick me up from the hospital, I had noticed the days had now become warmer as the season was changing to spring. You could hear the birds whistling tunes as they flew freely through the sky, and as we drove down the county lanes to our village the fields were now full of new life. It was always my favourite season and in the past I had always tried to help the farmer prepare as it was always known to be their busiest time of the year. Dad seemed quiet, it was unusual to spend time with just him on his own, and it was obvious he was afraid to say something, they had all received training from the hospital on techniques and wording to use when in my company and were all trying their hardest to abide by that, but they hadn't yet realised they were now acting like robots!
As we turned the corner to our street, my hands started to sweat, my heart started to beat fast, and I started to feel sick, dad noticed my reactions and had put his hand on my leg for moral support. Dad parked the car up outside our house and mum opened the front door and walked down the path, even though she was smiling she was anxiously looking around and ushered for us to walk quicker into the house, so she could safely close the door behind us. Amy, Billy and Eve were sat in the lounge and as I entered Amy stood up first to give me a cuddle, she held me so tight that I was struggling to breath, I looked over towards Billy, and he gave me a reassuring smile. Once Amy had let go Eve waved me over to where she was sitting, she then gently stood up and opened her arms wide, I embraced the cuddle for as long as she allowed me too. 
I asked mum if I was allowed to go up to the bathroom and wash, mum looked towards Amy and then back at me before saying "yes that's fine, but I'm coming too". They were now like my own security guards, and I had to get used to them watching my every move. I knew it was going to take time to be trusted again, and although I hadn't cut myself for three weeks I hadn't been left alone at all either and there was no temptation in the hospital. We walked slowly up the stairs and I turned to go into my bedroom, an air mattress was pumped up on the floor, the window was now fixed, and I noticed that underneath my bed was now clean and tidy. I found my dressing gown and then walked back along the landing to the bathroom, mum had followed every step I had taken. I asked for some privacy as I was undressing, but mum looked at me sternly and shook her head "I'm your mum, I gave birth to you, I have washed you and dressed you before, now is no different" she said. I turned the water on and stepped in side the shower, as I looked around I noticed that all razors had now been removed and sponges with the string had gone and replaced with baby sponges. The water hit my skin hard, and I let out a sudden scream, I heard commotion on the stairs as they had come to make sure everything was ok and then footsteps approached the bathroom door, Eve had come up to offer support to mum and at first I was reluctant to let her see my naked body but with her reassuring words and gentle approach she was soon massaging soap buds in to my skin. My thighs were left untouched, the doctors at the hospital had stitched up the wounds and had for the last three weeks applied a cream to help them heal and reduce scarring. They were still painful, but I was incredibly lucky to still be alive, they had told mum that if I had cut one centimetre to the left of where I did, I would have bled out and died within minutes.
My skin had started to produce a lot of body hair in areas such as my arm pits, legs and vagina, I hated the feeling of hair on my body and took advantage of previous times when I was allowed to shave it all off as soon as it had showed. Mum noticed that I was looking down towards my legs, she applied soap and starting to wash my ankles and feet, she was very conscious of not touching my thighs, I told her they were hairy and needed to come off, she looked towards Eve who then exited the bathroom and returned several minutes with a shaving gel - they had thought of everything.
Mum had started to hum a tune as she busily covered my body in the gel, it had to stay on for 3 minutes to set, and then you simply washed it off. Once I had finished in the shower, mum wrapped me in a brand new white towel and guided me in to her bedroom. Mum and Eve then dressed me in to my dressing gown and I curled up in to a ball on mum's bed, I then closed my eyes and fell asleep. I was exhausted!