A Mother's Word

Chapter Sixteen

When I had finally calmed down, I realised that I desperately needed to go to the toilet, mum and dad were still arguing, and although I had tried to ask them for permission to go, they were too engrossed with blaming each other for what had been allowed to happen, that I stood up and took myself off. I left the toilet door open, so they were able to see me, if they noticed I had gone. I suddenly felt like an adult again, I was on my own in the toilet and I had no beady eyes watching my every move, it felt good! Mum then came thudding down the hallway with dad chasing after her at the heels, they had come to the realisation that I had moved, and now she was dreading what image she would see, she poked her head around the door and when she was contented that I was only having a wee, she retreated back slightly and carried on her disagreement with dad in the hallway. Dad had accused mum of allowing Jenny and Poppy to humiliate me because of the door being bolted so many times, if the door had been left unlocked we would have never of seen them. Dad had said our day together had been ruined and would now be tainted with the memory of what they did. Mum had tried to argue that she felt unsafe in side the house if the doors were unlocked and her safety mattered too.
I slowly walked out of the toilet and as I walked pass mum I noticed she was brushing her tears away as they were running down her cheek. She was speaking back to dad in the conversation, but after every word she had spoken she let out a little soft sob. She grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards her, she cradled me in her arms and let out an almighty cry, she then paused and repeated the words "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please Cass, I'm so sorry", before falling to the ground in a heap on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Dad lifted her up and took her in to the lounge and positioned her gently on to the sofa. Mum had taken the weight of my whole illness on her shoulders, she had admitted to Amy and Eve in the past that she had felt guilty, and it was her fault I was now this way. If she hadn't become a social worker and hadn't embedded information on signs and symptoms to myself and Amy growing up, we wouldn't have been so clued-up about different abuses and therefore; I wouldn't have got myself involved with Jenny's family. I sat next to mum on the sofa and pulled her towards me for a cuddle, I reassured her this was not her fault, and I was getting better, much better. The thoughts had slowly disappeared, my weight had started to increase, and my body felt healthier, this was all down to mum and the rest of the family for helping me, but mum was unable to see the positives to my recovery as the black cloud of negatives was firmly placed in the way of her mind. Dad had walked in to the kitchen and several minutes later he returned, he had brought in cups of strong sweetened tea and a pack of digestive biscuits for us all. He found a light weighted duvet in the airing cupboard and placed it so lovingly over our bodies, he had found a family film on the television that he had recorded earlier that day and had now positioned himself comfortably in mum's armchair, feet up on the poufy, looking so relaxed as he pressed play on the remote control. At that moment, it felt like we were a strong family unit, I felt loved by both mum and dad and I caught dad looking in our direction several times, I thought he was looking at me, but I soon realised he was staring devotedly at mum.
Amy had finished her shift at the supermarket and herself along with Billy had joined us for our movie night, it was the most magical night I had ever experienced, all my loved ones under one roof spending quality time with each other, the bricks of the house were the only thing separating us from the outside world but at that moment of time, I felt safe.

During the course of the evening, I was allowed my phone on the arm of the sofa, mum and Amy had started allowing me to have a small amount of control and independence back in my life, although; they were persistent that all social media apps had to be monitored or deleted and were planning to have my number changed within the next month. The only app I was allowed to have was Facebook under a private account and this was closely monitored by Amy daily. I noticed my phone was occasionally flashing, so when I was satisfied my family were watching the movie and not me, I quickly took a glance, it was notifications from Becki popping up trying to make contact with me. I quickly exited the screen and clicked on a game called 'Candy Crush', I thought if my family looked they would see that I was in fact playing on this and nothing else, so I had to be extremely discrete with my next moves. The movie that dad had chosen was a comical one and the family were very engaged, laughing away, so I knew when they laughed I just had to copy them, that way it seemed that I was watching it too.
I knew Becki had a tremendous part in my situation, she had bullied me, along with Jenny for such a long time, she was old enough to make her own choices, but she chose that path and therefore making contact with me was a stupid idea, as she was very aware of the consequences. However, I was curious to know why after all this time she was now making contact. I remembered Amy telling me in hospital that Becki had tried to get in touch with me during my recovery stages, but they had been able to delete her conversations before they had even started. I clicked back on to the notification and Becki's name sat at the top of my page, it looked like she had set up a private account on Facebook as she had no mutual friends, no photos and no status, which for Becki and her now social life was very strange, I also noticed that her name had changed from what it used to be and was now Becki Ann - which is her middle name therefore leaving out her surname. It looked like she had made this account just to make contact with me without Jenny or her other friends knowing.
My finger hovered over the button to accept the notification, I looked around the room to see if anyone was watching me, which I realised they were not, and then I pressed the accept button. My heart started beating heavily in my chest, my palms started to sweat, and I felt panicked. Surely Becki would be aware that messages would be monitored by my family and that she wouldn't be silly enough to abuse me this way, leaving a trail of evidence. I waited for what seemed like a lifetime before a message appeared in the box.

'Please Cass, accept my sincere apologies, I have been so stupid, you were always my best friend, I just lost my way in life and as you know followed Jenny! I have changed, my life has changed, I do not have any contact with Jenny and Poppy now, I have realised what they are and what they do and that is not me! I'm so sorry Cass, I have caused you such horrible pain and suffering, what can I do to make things right with you again, I miss you terribly, and I really want to over time build our trust and friendship back to where it used to be.
I understand this is extremely hard for you and you probably hate me right now, which I don't blame you, but please. I just want to be your friend again.
I have contacted the police and gave a statement of what has been happening and my part in all of this, I am disgusted with myself, I was heavily pressured into behaving this way.
Sorry
Becki Xx'

I reread the message several times, I knew that Becki was aware I had read the message as my face icon had shown on the chat. I closed the Facebook app on my phone and placed it back down on to the sofa beside me, I knew I needed to delete the message so Amy wouldn't be able to read it, but the words had hit me hard and knowing I had that message in my inbox suddenly made me feel a little bit better. Becki was never like this growing up, she was always so kind hearted and a great friend, so what happened that made her turn in to the person she had so awfully become? She said she was pressured, but how and who by? The questions kept popping in to my mind, and I felt a sense of guilt that maybe, something was happening to her too, which enabled her to act the way she did. I almost had sympathy for her, but then my realisation would creep back in to how she had mistreated me so badly recently, and my thoughts would turn back in to anger and hatred towards her.
Amy and Billy had fallen asleep on the floor after the movie had finished, dad had left to go home and mum was snuggled on the sofa under the blanket. There was not enough room to sleep comfortably on the sofa, so I made my way up to my bedroom. I knew I would get in to trouble for doing this, but I was so tired from thinking, that I needed a healthy sleep before mastering another day tomorrow. I tiptoed up the stairs to not wake the others, clutching my phone in my hand. The message was going around in my head, was Becki being sincere, or was this an attempt to get me talking or meeting her, for them all to abuse me once again?
I messaged Adam, who by now was achieving his dreams of becoming a world known cricketer, although he didn't always respond straight away as his schedule was always full, I knew he was checking in regularly with my family on progress updates and communication about myself. To my surprise my phone pinged, and he was face-timing me, it was so lovely to see his familiar face and my God he was gorgeous! I was whispering in the phone, which made Adam suspicious, and he was not happy with me for going against my mum's wishes. I told him about my message from Becki, and he already knew, Becki had messaged Adam for advice on how to rekindle our relationship, and Adam had encouraged her to message me. I didn't quite know how to feel at this point, Adam was my best friend, and he was advising one of my bullies to contact me, why would he do this? Was this genuine?

I quickly made an excuse that I needed to end our conversation and hung up the phone. I deleted the message from Becki and tiptoed back downstairs, I placed my phone in the usual place and headed back up to my bedroom. Becki was not going to ruin the trust I was building back up with my family. They had helped me so much and Adam was right, I didn't want to go against my mum's wishes. I also didn't know if I was able to trust Adam again, he knew the upset and trauma Becki had caused me and my family, so encouraging her to message me, for me, was unacceptable behaviour.