A Mother's Word

Chapter Fifteen

Twelve full hours I had stayed asleep for and didn't move once out of a foetal position until the light of dawn seeped into mum's room. I rubbed my bleary eyes and walked to the window. The first rays of sunlight lit up the room and the dawn chorus of melodic birdsong drifted in. There was a pearly glow in the sky.
Mum had stayed upstairs with me to begin with and in shifts swapped with Amy several times throughout the evening and night, so she was able to eat, shower and attend to her own toileting needs. They had both set an alarm on their watch which went off every two hours and this was to tell them it was time to swap, they were doing everything they could to keep an eye on me. Billy and Eve had left around 8pm the previous evening to let us have some time as a family, and Dad had his mobile phone on at all times in case we needed to make contact with him. We headed downstairs and Amy made breakfast, the dietician from the hospital had recommended I introduced protein shakes to my diet to start with, so they had ordered several bottles from the shop and Billy had driven to collect them for me. I had a choice of strawberry, banana, chocolate or mixed berries, I had chosen to try the strawberry flavour. The powder made a pint sized drink, it tasted delicious just like real strawberries tasted, but it was incredibly filling, and I had to drink the whole thing. Mum and Amy sat around the table eating their cereals and toast with spreads, they were having conversations between themselves, but I could see they were constantly looking in my direction and focusing on me. I was trying to drink the shake as good as I could, I started by taking big gulps, but it was making me gag, so I changed and took little sips, I had drank a quarter of the pint and was proud of myself, but mum and Amy looked at me disappointedly. Amy started to tap her fingers loudly on the table in frustration, and mum glanced a disapproving look towards her, which made her instantly stop. I was really trying to get better and eat, but I could tell it was consuming a lot of their time, and equally they were becoming a little bit annoyed at me. Breakfast had taken me 1.5 hours to finish and mum had allowed me to leave a bit of the shake in the bottom of the glass, as she could tell I was really struggling to stomach it any longer. Mum had taken time off work, she had explained the situation to her boss and with a witness statement from Eve, her boss had agreed for her to take 4 weeks off paid. She did however have to go in to the office one morning to hand over her case files to another social worker, as she was starting to make a break through on one of her families, however; for the first time in her life she was putting her own family first. Amy had left for her shift at the supermarket earlier that morning and mum had decided to go in to work to do the exchange and get it out the way, so she was able to concentrate completely on me, therefore, she called dad and asked him to watch me for several hours.

It was like being a child all over again, I was unable to be left alone, I couldn't even walk from one room to another without being followed. It was my own fault, I knew that, but I didn't realise how much this stage of the process would affect me. I had really hard days when I wanted to be left alone, and so I would make it incredibly hard for anybody who was watching me. I would be rude, I wouldn't talk to them, I would move around the house constantly as soon as they were sat down and settled because I knew they would have to follow me and I would joke about cutting myself again in front of them. The thoughts would slowly creep back in, and at that moment in time it would be all I would be able to think about. I would scan the room to see what I could use to harm myself, and although I had planned in my head the resources I could use, I never did it, I was not selfish, and my family were helping and supporting me every way they could. I was also aware that if I had another episode of self harming I would be admitted back in to hospital where they would section me. It was that serious.
I had however upset Amy on one of the times she had been watching me, she had left the room to answer the door to the postman which meant I was left unsupervised, I seized the chance to make a run for it, I just needed to escape the reality of my life. I mean I didn't get very far at all, I had seen Jenny stood by her house at the top of the street, and so I ran straight back inside mine and curled up on the sofa shaking and crying. Furthermore, I, apologised immensely to Amy, but she was fuming with me and had told mum that she was not 'babysitting' me no more, as she didn't appreciate it and she felt like I was being ungrateful towards her. However, she didn't have a choice, mum exchanged a few strong words with her one evening and from then onwards she didn't refuse her time watching me.
Dad pulled up on the drive and mum unbolted all the new locks on the door to let him inside. Dad had changed recently, he was being my dad, he was now putting me first and making sure I was safe and protected at all times. Dad, wouldn't take no messing, he had previously had heated rows with Jenny and her mum on the street, he didn't back down, he was not scared of them, but he also had an advantage they didn't know where he lived to attack his family or property, so the repercussions of his actions would always fall on us and our home. Mum had pleaded with dad in the past to stop, but dad's temper would sometimes get the better of him, and he would be like a ticking time bomb ready to explode!