A Mother's Word

Chapter Seventeen

I tossed and turned all night long, I couldn't settle. The message from Becki and the conversation with Adam were replaying in my head, and I couldn't switch off. Months ago, this would have been my perfect excuse to cut myself, the fresh blood dripping down my leg causing me excruciating pain, yet somehow it was my guilty pleasure. I had to find a way to stop the dark thoughts, so I practiced what I had learned in the hospital during my darkest hours, I had to think of an object and then match it with something that looked the same, tasted the same and sounded the same. Before long, I was sound asleep.
I woke in the morning to a loud commotion, footsteps started bounding up the stairs, doors were being opened and slammed shut and voices were raised. A sudden thought crossed my mind, they were looking for me, and I was now going to be in big trouble. Mum looked disappointed at me when she seen me lying in my bed, she had worried herself that something bad had happened to me during the night, and the disappointed look soon turned in to a look of relief when I was unharmed and just sleepy. Mum pulled the white bedsheets off me and studied them carefully, she then told me to take my pjs off and stand up. I felt humiliated, I knew she was only checking for new cuts and I couldn't blame her, but this felt awkward and victim shaming. The trust that I thought was slowing building between us had been broken in that instance, and I just stood still as a statue in the corner, tears rolling down my cheeks. Mum noticed how she had made me feel and came over to give me a cuddle, my body started to shake, and my words were a tremble. Mum told me to take a shower, as an appointment had been booked for me in the town hall at 2.30pm, where I was going to be accompanied by mum and Eve. She didn't give any other instruction other than it was a one-to-one session funded by the government and I needed to attend.
I headed towards the bathroom and suddenly stopped when I heard Amy and Billy in her bedroom giggling, Amy was also like a mother figure to me, so to hear her laughing with her loved one made me feel happy inside, she had a lot of stress over the last couple of months with everything happening out of her control, but she took every incident so strongly on her shoulders, that I often felt like she was drowning herself. Billy was also showing that he was a very good supportive boyfriend, he was so emotionally involved with us as a family, and often offered to help out when needed. He had a good personality, kind heart, and he was incredibly funny, a characteristic that Amy would have needed during our darkest days.
I carried on walking to the bathroom and mum followed very closely behind, her need to look after me was more intense this morning, I think, after me sleeping in my bed on my own made her realise that my demons could have come back so easily to create chaos, that she was now being overly protective. The water from the shower was a welcome relief, the water temperature was slightly cooler than normal due to the weather being warmer outside, it was so relaxing hitting against my bare skin. The body hairs had made an unpleasant arrival once again, which always unsettled me, and mum was aware of my need to be kept 'clean', she however, looked at her watch and realised we didn't have enough time before the appointment, so promised me that we could do that task tomorrow. A task that many other people would happily take for granted, and wouldn't even be aware of the trouble a sharp razor blade could cause, but here I was not even allowing to wax my own private parts.

I had blow- dried my hair and put on some of my new smart clothes that I had previously brought for the job as a veterinary nurse, something that was still hopefully in the pipeline for my future. Eve was picking us up, so we patiently waited in the lounge looking out the window for her arrival. There was a lot of activity on the street, a new family were moving in across the road from us, they had been warned by the locals about the anti-social behaviour on the street especially at night-times, however, they were still excited about their new home and didn't seem worried about the opinions of the street. Another family were moving out from their well-loved home, after they had complained to the police on several occasions about the teenagers in the area, and nothing had been addressed to make things better, so after living on the street for twenty-two years they had decided to move miles away. Adam's family were visiting his mum and dad as it was his dad's 60th birthday, so they were going to have a party and decorate his house for the occasion, I did notice that Becki was walking in and out of Adam's house with platters of sandwiches and cakes and Bryony was also in attendance. Becki would glance over to our house at every opportunity she could, but I was well hidden behind the curtain, and therefore she was unable to see me looking. A removal van was also trying to make his way down the road, avoiding all the vehicles parked awkwardly on the kerb side. I thought at first it was for the new family moving in, but it carried on down the road towards Jenny's house, where the brakes then screeched to a stop and the doors flung open. Jenny's mum then swiftly opened her front door and demanded instructions to the removal men in her harsh, degrading tone that she would often use when talking now. The removal men looked at each other uneasy and then followed her instructions.
I knew Eve was going to be here shortly, so my heart started to raise, and my palms started to sweat, I concentrated on my breathing techniques and told myself it would be OK.
I had managed to calm myself down a great deal before Eve's arrival, I had told myself that they were the problem, and I was fed up with them dominating my life, but telling yourself something is completely different from believing it, but I needed to be strong.
Eve turned up just in time and I put my shoes on to leave the house, I could feel my body beginning to shake, but I controlled the emotions and walked unaided to the car, something that I hadn't managed to comprehend doing for so long. Eve's smile was always reassuring and made me feel better, she turned the key to the engine, and we started making the journey in to town. The conversation in the car was very light and jokey, we talked about the weather, TV soaps and Amy and Billy, and before we knew it we were parked in front of the town hall.

Eve was first to reach the reception desk, and she quietly explained to the lady about our appointment, the lady then looked me up and down and gave me a warm smile before pointing in the direction of a closed door. We were instructed to wait outside until they were ready for us. Mum still hadn't told me what the appointment was for, and I thought of so many scenarios in my head. I was always known to be an over-thinker, so the anticipation was immense. I observed the door closely and then looked around the waiting room, the room was decorated in calm grey colours, a rainbow had been hand painted on one part of the wall, surrounded by positive quotes displayed in photo frames, gentle music was playing on the radio and people were chatting in quiet voices. Not long after we were seated, another family entered and sat down beside us, waiting to be seen. The teenage girl looked at me, placed her hand on my shoulder and said "Liz is amazing, don't worry, she's lovely!".
The door then slowly opened and a lady in her thirties with beautiful golden hair appeared, she called my name, and we entered the room. Mum and Eve took a seat on the sofa, and I was encouraged to sit on a recliner seat by the ladies' desk. The sweet aroma of a candle filled the air, chocolates and sweets filled up a little fishbowl on the desk and the lights were dimmed slightly which made the room feel relaxed. The lady introduced herself as Liz and explained that she was going to be my councillor. Eve had arranged these sessions with Liz with the permission from mum as she thought I needed to talk to people outside my family to express my thoughts, emotions, ideas and overall well-being.
Our sessions were scheduled to be one hour long, but in the presence of Liz, it felt very short. She was very kind and approachable, and I felt that I was opening up to her, as she asked questions and then listened to my answers. I forgot that Mum and Eve were listening on the sofa behind us, and I'm sure some of the things that I was saying shocked them to the core, as they would occasionally let out little gasps of surprise. The session flew by, and I instantly felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the air felt lighter, and I felt happier.
On the way home, Eve stopped in the local shop to collect some nibbles, by this point I had finished my course of protein shakes and was now eating normally. She came back out with a bag full of snacks, which we were going to thoroughly enjoy when we got home.
Amy was on an early shift and had planned to spend some quality time with Billy, they had arranged to go bowling and for a meal out during the evening. Amy was always reluctant to have an evening to herself as she felt she had a big responsibility to me, and was always worried something would happen in her absence, but mum had reassured her that everything was ok, and we would phone her if we needed her for anything. As we approached our street there was a lively atmosphere, Adam's dad party was in full swing and the new neighbours also had a house full of visitors who were having a BBQ on their front lawn. Eve parked up outside our front door and as we got out I heard a familiar voice. It was Adam.

I had only spoken to Adam recently, and he didn't mention that he was home soon, I felt annoyed at him for not telling me, but then again who was I to know his whereabouts. He put his hand gently on my shoulder and I felt goose-bumps going up my body. He was so muscular now, his arms bulged out of his top, he had obviously had a lot of training with cricket, and he was looking so good! His eyes were always sparkly, and he seemed well groomed. His attention was fully on me, and he started to engage in a conversation. Whenever, I was in his company I felt safe, he had that strange hold on me and I felt he belonged to me and I belonged to him. Little did I know, my bubble would soon be burst when I caught Becki looking at us from the corner of my eye. She stood by Adam's front door watching us closely and then called out 'Babe', Adam turned around and called Becki over to us. Mum looked confused, as did Eve, why was he doing this? He had already tried to encourage her to message me, so why was he now calling her over to me?
I looked at them for an explanation, and Adam admitted that they were now in a relationship and had been for the last three months.
My heart dropped.