What Are The Chances?

Chapter 12: Ellis

It was only 30 minutes that had passed and we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. My hand was up his shirt as he laid on my chest and he couldn't keep his hands away from my hair. The feeling of his fingers running through my scalp put me in a trance and the only thing that was keeping me awake was the noise.It was dark in the living room besides the light coming from the tv. It was a classic rom com called 'Dead poets society.'

My friends told me a lot about this movie, but I never was interested in it until Phoenix wanted me to watch it and it's actually really good. It's about an English teacher who inspires his students through his teaching of poetry.

I felt safe while he was in my arms. I admired his soft skin and woody scent. I love to count the freckles on his face because they look a lot like stars. And then I wondered what his dad was like and I don't know why. It was just a random thought that had popped into my head. Phoenix told me that he was just like him. Shy. Artistic. Nerdy. "He had bright blonde hair just like mine," he said to me when he first talked about him.

There was a funny scene that had come on the tv and we both started laughing. His little snort before he laughed had made me laugh even harder. I can't really explain the way I feel when I'm with Ellis, but when I'm with him, I can be myself without feeling judged. Even my parents don't really know how I feel about boys and my sexuality.

"I feel like the theme of this movie is that it's not who you are but what you do that defines you," he said once the credits started playing. I tilted his head towards mine and kissed him some more. His lips tasted like buttery popcorn. "My mom should be here any minute," he said between kisses. I lifted his shirt and ran my hands over his stomach. "I don't care."

He made out with me for a little longer before pushing me away and smiling. "Let's just sneak off somewhere."

I ignored him and took off my shirt. "We'll be quick." Phoenix thought for a few seconds before saying, "fine," and taking off his shirt too.
Let's just say that we got lost in time. I touched every part of his body and let my hands explore him.

Somehow, this felt natural to me. It felt right doing it with him. A long time after, I collapsed on the couch with sweat dripping down my forehead and heavy breathing. Phoenix was still lying there on the other side of the couch. I wonder what he was thinking at that moment because my mind was everywhere.

We then got dressed together, and I helped him put back on his shirt. It didn't feel awkward at all, despite the quietness. I looked at him and we made eye contact and we both just busted out laughing.

"I'm gonna go clean myself up," I said as I gave him a kiss and walked into the small bathroom down the hall. I opened the door, turned on the light and the smell of fresh raspberries filled the air. A small Minnie Mouse rug sat outside the bathtub. When I finished with my business, I was washing my hands when my phone began to buzz on the counter. I glanced over and it was Amelia. Shit. I opened the text.

Amelia: Hey, where have you been? Wanna meet up someplace?
I don't think she knows about my sexuality or that I'm with Phoenix , but me and Amelia haven't talked in a month. Yet, it's hard to resist her.

I texted her back and told her I will be there at the park waiting for her and walked out the door.
"Hey, uhh my dad is expecting me home for dinner," I said, standing there awkwardly with my hands in my jeans.

I felt guilty for doing this and I hated myself for it, and it made me feel even worse when he looked at me with his pretty eyes from the couch. "I thought he was working late?" He said. Crap. He is. I tried to play it off by saying, "He'll be working late tomorrow night,not tonight...." To break eye contact with him, I grabbed my jacket and slid on my boots. I was about to say bye before he whispered just under his breath, "Did I do something wrong?"
I immediately shook my head.

"No, no you didn't. I just... I just have to go now. Text you later?" Phoenix nodded and closed the door.
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By the time I got to the park , Amelia was sitting on top of the slide smoking a cigarette where me and him used to sit. "I didn't know you smoked," I told her as I sat next to her and grabbed a cigarette from my pocket. It was dry and cold outside. The cool air blew on my face and through my hair. I looked up at the sky. It was a full moon with no clouds.

Amelia was wearing a crop top so low, you could see a little of her breast and I tried not to look at them, so instead I just focused on the swings rocking back and forth. Her long brown hair fell down her shoulders and despite the light, I could see her makeup blush.

"Well there's a lot of things you don't know about me."
"Oh really? Like what?"
"Hmmm....like how my favorite color is pink....."
"No really? You think I didn't notice your nails and how everyday you always wear something pink?"
Amelia let out a giggle. "True. But I didn't want you to meet me here so I could tell you fun facts about me. I want you to tell me about you and Phoenix."

She blew a big puff of smoke out and inhaled another. I could smell her sweet strawberry perfume.

I frowned. "You heard?"
She nodded her head. "I'm sure everyone heard." I could see her looking at me, despite the darkness. "But let's be honest," she said with a sigh. "You don't want him. You don't know what you want." Her voice was seductive, and after, I felt her hand rest on my shoulder. But I didn't say anything. I was nervous. "You ever think that maybe it's just a phase? That maybe if you sleep with me again, you'll change?"

I shook my head, but she just went on and on. "Remember the time we spent together? Remember the making out....the sex?"

I still didn't say anything.
"I know you miss it," Amelia said as she rubbed her other hand between my thighs. "I can tell."

I finally snapped out of my trance. "I do love Phoenix, and this isn't right." She looked up at me. "Then why did you meet me here?" She then leaned in and began kissing my neck, right where Phoenix kissed me, not even 2 hours ago.

I gently closed my eyes and let her because it felt so good to stop her and without thinking, I just gave in and began taking off her shirt. We kissed for what seemed like an hour. I felt that my body didn't want this but my mind did.

Amelia laid down on her back and I took it as an invitation to climb on top of her. I felt her arms pull me in closer and I rested my hand on her arm.

It felt like an hour had passed with us just making out and touching each other before she pushed me off of her.

Amelia quickly grabbed her shirt and covered herself while looking down by the trees. I followed her gaze and there he was, standing there watching us with Minnie May right next to him. I couldn't even read the expression on his face that was mixed with anger and sadness.

Phoenix picked Minnie up into his arms and started walking down the sidewalk and without saying anything to Amelia, I grabbed my coat, jumped off the slide and tried to catch up to him.

"Hey!"

He didn't turn around until I touched his shoulder. "Don't you fucking touch me," he whispered. He was on the verge of tears but tried to keep it in because of Minnie, who was taking turns looking at the both of us, clueless.

I'm breathless, and shaking and I couldn't tell if it was because of the wind or the fact that he just saw me with her. "It didn't mean anything, I promise," I said calmly so I could calm him down but it only made him more angry.

"I knew you still loved her... did you-" He stopped himself. "You know what, I don't even want to hear you explain yourself." Phoenix walked away again while still talking and I didn't know if he was talking to himself or me.

I followed after him.
"I just wanted to take Minnie to the park and see you with her? Really? She's literally been through the entire football team! How could I be so stupid? I really thought you liked me!"

"I do like you! I love you!"
"Well you sure have a funny way of showing it." He stopped and turned around. "You're so pathetic."

I didn't say anything after that and just let him walk away because he was right. Phoenix truly made me happy and I threw it all away in less than an hour. Everything happened so fast and now he thinks that I've been playing him this whole time. After watching him walk away, I turned around and faced the water.
I could feel the temperature dropping and while shivering, I zipped up my coat and released a breath that felt like it's been in me since I left his house.

I fucked up.