Protector || Shane Walsh

Chapter 6

Heaven Up There by Palace

Hiding in Shane's tent, I let the tears fall freely while I sit and stare at my sketches of Willow.

I wish I could give her a big hug.

My best friend, my personal sun, my guardian Angel.

After losing my parents, I became more mentally and emotionally dependent on her. She helped me cope, she helped me carry on. She was what kept me going.

And I couldn't even protect her..

I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to keep the flashbacks at bay.

I feel so guilty for every smile, every laugh that I've had over the past twenty-four hours. How can I smile and laugh when my best friend is gone?

Is this fate? I know I wouldn't have been able to carry on without Willow. Clearly. If Shane had not shoved me into that art store, I don't know if I would've had enough fight left in me to save myself.

I think back to that moment outside the art store.

"You tryna get yourself killed?" Shane had asked me.

Was I trying to?

I'm relieved to find the answer is no. I wasn't.

I was in shock and that had clouded my judgement, my behaviour, my actions. I did not go there with the intention of ending my life. Even when I was face to face with that undead, there was a part of me trying to will myself to move. I was just too catatonic. And then along came Shane.

Perhaps there was some truth to Jim's premonition. Shane's coming in to town had been pivotal. Not for him or the group, but for myself.

I softly stroke the page with my portrait of Willow and lyrics from Robbie Williams' song Feel pop into my head.

'I don't want to die, but I ain't keen on living either.'

It's true. I don't want to die. But I don't want to live without Willow.

Maybe that's why my heart wants to stay with these people. Willow's left a big empty space in my heart and all my love has nothing else to flow to.

"Mia?" Shane says, entering the tent.

I snap my journal shut and wipe my wet cheeks.

Shane pauses, glancing between my face and the journal in my lap.

His shirt's looking a bit sweaty and dirty.. I swallow and avert my eyes.

"Was wondering where you got to." he says lightly with a small smile. "..You okay?" his voice still light but his face more serious.

I sniffle before answering. "Yeah." I mumble.

"Yeah?"

I nod, looking down at my lap.

"Okay, I'll leave you alone. If you need anything, I'll be on watch."

"Thank you, Shane." I bring my eyes up to meet his gaze. He offers a small, closed lipped smile and exits the tent, leaving me alone again.

I lie on his stretcher on my stomach and open my journal back up. I flip through the pages, looking over my previous work.

I stop and read the poem I wrote last week.

Now I creep out
When there's no one about
Gardens overgrown
I run in the middle of the road
Can you hear me?
I cannot hear you
Every song I thought I knew,
I've been deafened to
And there's no one left to sing to.