It'll Be Okay

corner store bathroom.

This cannot be happening right now. I know I had my theory about my episodes & hopefully running into this man again but it was merely a fantasy. I never thought I would see him again.

"We have to stop running into each other like this," he smiles at me, knowing very clearly I am not okay.

I stare at him with what I know for sure are mascara smudged eyes, "you are not funny."

"I never said I was," he reaches his hand out to me & I take it, he plops down next to me instead of helping me up. The moment my hand touches his, my stomach flutters, "what the hell are you doing in this disgusting bathroom."

"This just so happens to be my other secret spot," I'm obviously trying to hide my embarrassment but I think I may have made it worse.

"Cool," he lets go of my hand, "my other spot is actually the sewers under the highway." I know he's trying to make me feel better & I can't help but smile. 

"Why are you here?" I ask, so curious & weirdly enjoying that I'm seeing him again. I just hate the way that we keep meeting up is me either crying or eating shit as he once said.

"I was in the neighborhood."  He starts unraveling toilet paper from the dispenser & hands me the balled up wad for me to take. I stare at him with a confused look & now I'm just starting to think, is this guy following me?, "I just want you to know I wasn't following you."

Alright, this time I know I wasn't thinking out loud, "well it kind of seems like you have been." I blow my nose & he makes a disgusted face like what I just did was abnormal, "what?"

"Alright I was following you," he admits & I give him a confused look, "truth is I was in the neighborhood but I saw you running towards the gallery. I wanted to know what you were doing as fucked up as that may sound, I was curious & then I got bored & was headed back to the coffee shop, then I turned around & I saw you running away."

I can't believe he was interested in what I was doing. Normally people will see a familiar face & either say hi or ignore them & go on. This guy really followed me in to the gallery. 

"Given the two instances that we've met, I wanted to make sure you were okay," he gives me a sly smile & hands me more wadded up toilet paper. I take it & wipe my face; this is probably the grossest & most unsanitary way that we could ever cross paths, but in a strange way, I kinda like it. 

There are so many questions I want to ask him but I'm not sure I am able to build up the courage to even say anything right now. I'm thinking my state of vulnerability will allow me a free pass to anything right now, "why did you leave the hospital so quick the last time I saw you?"

"Hospitals kinda creep me out," he smiles. I know he's lying & he knows I know it too, "I haven't been in a hospital since my mom died, she killed herself." His voice cracks, trying to hold back tears, I reach over him & hand him some wadded up toilet paper, he chuckles & takes it from me. Our finger tips touch & a shock of electricity is felt between the both of us, "oo sorry."

"It's okay," I smile back at him.

"I know that confession was a little intense," he wipes his I assume clammy hands over his dark jeans.

"It's okay," I reassure him, "we all have a lot on our plates. Sometimes it's good to talk to a stranger about them, there's no room for judgement or fear of showing your emotions, I mean look at me & all the times we've met."

"Yeah," he says very shyly. It's nice seeing this vulnerable side to him. He's always so blunt & outspoken, I was starting to think sarcastic asshole was his only character trait, "you are pretty fucked up aren't you?" never mind.