It'll Be Okay

he's in a band.

It had been two weeks since I last seen Jesse. Two weeks since our unexpected kiss in my car. Unexpected for me, he knew what he was coming back for. Did he know he had wanted to kiss me that entire night or could it have been a spur in the moment decision? I've been thinking all about it & playing the moment over & over in my head, beginning to overthink everything. So much so that I have failed to text or call him. He clearly doesn't have my number because I haven't received a text from him. I don't want to seem fucking desperate but I don't want him to think I didn't like it. Due to the fact that I haven't done that, he probably believes I didn't. Each day that passed by, I get so caught up in my head that I wait another day & another & another.

 I overthought for two weeks & had three episodes in between. The first time I'd hope Jesse would burst through my door & comfort me, but it was a silent scream since Gwen was home. She had only ever experienced one episode & it was the very first one. I swore I would never allow myself to have her see me in that state, even when I pass out sometimes. I do come out of it after a while, but it's pretty rare that I ever do collapse. 

I just remember Gwen not knowing what to do, or who to call. She was the most frantic person I'd ever seen her & not suited for the situation at all. It was my first episode experience as well & I couldn't tell her I was okay because I wasn't; but after I came out of it she constantly kept reminding me that it would be okay but my mind & my body definitely assured me that this was the beginning of my worst nightmare. 

Ever since then, I just adjusted & made sure I wasn't in the room when it happened. A lot of the time I'd run away mid activity & silently cry in my room. I do have a feeling Gwen can always sense something is wrong but she never asks. I sense she's aware that I'm still having these episodes & she knows the first time didn't go well. I know she silently watches over me as I silently cry. I've often times hear her footsteps near my door as she walks away & know she's making sure I'm okay. I eventually come back out after I splash water in my face & fake my emotions or other times I'll text her to let her know I'll just be heading to bed.

Gwen & I have been best friends for as long as I can remember. I told her anything & everything no matter how big or small & she did the same. Growing up has changed that; I think maturing & realizing that not even your best friend needs to know everything anymore has changed the dynamic of our friendship but not so much in a negative way. It's good to share but also good to not overshare. 

Gwen is an over-sharer. 

She was the popular girl, the prom queen, the cheerleader, the typical high school pretty girl stereo type. That was her goal, to be the stereo type & she didn't care who knew. Although many girls envied her for her charismatic attitude, I admired it. She carried herself well & didn't give a fuck about what any other girl had to say about her. If I hadn't known Gwen since literal birth, I probably wouldn't be her first choice friend. She kept me around because she loved me, but I wasn't the Gretchen Weiner's to her Regina George persona. Although Regina George was ten times more of a bitch than Gwen was. 

Little ol' Stella was the quiet, yet outspoken character in high school. I was in journalism & broadcasting. I was a geek if I were in the nineties, but class of 2017 don't really give a shit what activity you're in, just as long as you were a decent person. Cancel culture wasn't much of a thing yet, but I knew that our generation were going to be the one's to start it, & things like broadcasting & theatre would become the epitome of high school sports.

Cliques were also not much of a thing, but I guess everyone had their group that they were always with at the lunch table, but it were groups you could never categorize since they were always made up of many different types of people.