It'll Be Okay

fuck you.

Two Years Ago

Something is wrong today. The air felt different when I woke up & the coffee from the Keurig didn't taste the same. I felt off, the whole day felt off. It's Adam & I's seven year anniversary & he hasn't texted me, no flowers have arrived at work & I'm desperate to be with him today.

It's been five months since the three of us took the leap to move from Denver to Chicago to pursue our dreams in the Windy City. We've adjusted well & we all share an apartment together in Washington Grove.

Gwen is still studying & working at local boutique, getting her degree in fashion & design. Adam has made it big at the mere age of 24, working in an investment company with his dearest friend Guillermo, who he's met in college. Guillermo has the hots for Gwen but he's been afraid to make a move. Adam introduced him to Gwen & has been playing hard to get, but Guillermo has been up for the challenge.

Life has treated us so good. Too good it almost seems, that today doesn't feel like any other day. After work, I had begged Adam to go to the movies with me, & I hadn't seen him as often as I used to & he didn't work today. He has been working so much that by the time he got home, I was already in bed & I woke up to him kissing my forehead before work & then I wouldn't see him until the next morning when another kiss would wake me up. I assume he didn't work because it's our anniversary & I'm also assuming he's been planning something all day. He hasn't mentioned anything like he usually does so I'm pretty nervous.

I have been talking about wanting to go to the movies, so he finally agrees to going to the matinee for the new Seth Rogan movie. A good start to our anniversary. Whatever he has planned, I know it wouldn't be until later tonight. Gwen keeps telling me he's going to propose but I don't believe her, but on a second thought why wouldn't he? We're both doing well & I can feel good things coming for the both of us.

But today was different. I met up with Adam at the AMC near work & he only smiled & kissed my forehead when he saw me. Not much was said after that & we entered the movie right as it was about to begin. I felt a lump in my throat any time a comedic scene would come up & the entire theatre would laugh, but Adam wouldn't. The seven years I've been with Adam, I've never seen him like this. He's not one to not laugh at a Seth Rogan movie.

After the movie he continuously checks his phone the way back to our apartment. I can feel his hands grow clammier & the looseness of his hold worries me, but also excites me. Could he be nervous about something? He always grips my hand tightly, he used to twirl me in the street like a couple off of a rom-com. This time he walked a few steps further, not close, & a loose grip. Nothing was said after the movie & my mind has never been filled with so negative thoughts until now. I was a worrier, & this much worrying could have killed me, but I kept an open mind in hopes there was a surprise when we got home.

I've always been able to ask Adam anything. We've always promised each other we would talk about anything that was bothering us. We wouldn't hold our emotions in, & I believed we communicated well. Any time I was sad or feeling doubtful of myself, he would be the first person I would go to. I relied on him for everything, even my happiness. He was my happiness, he is my happiness. He & Gwen are everything to me.

But today, I didn't feel like I could ask him what was wrong, today I almost didn't know the Adam I've known for so long. He wasn't acting his usual charismatic self. I began thinking the worst; he's the healthiest person I know, does he have diabetes? He's the smartest person I know, did he get fired at the job he's amazing at?

Then I began thinking about the positive. About how Gwen kept bringing up a proposal & good vibes coming my way. I'm not sure why my mind instantly went to the negative so I had to overcome the negative thoughts with the positive ones. Hopping that Adams silence would come with good news behind it.