How You Remind Me

17

"Alright Mr. Smithson." I sighed as I scribbled orders onto a chart in the ER "You are getting a fast-track ticket to the OR."

I nodded to the small herd of interns hovered around the trauma room door.

"One of your figure out who is going to get him up to CT and then prepped for surgery."

They were shoving and tripping over one another and the first one that got to the bed apparently won.

I chuckled and shook my head as I remembered my intern days. It was a long year full of going days on end without sleeping. But I was a newlywed along with an overaggressive surgeon in training.

If I wasn't sleeping because of work I wasn't sleeping because my totally hot wife was wanting sex. To which I never-ever-EVER turned her down.

Speaking of my wife, there she was. I saw a group of nurses and interns rolling a gurney out of another trauma room, she was sitting on top of the guy straddling him so she could hold his insides inside of his body.

That was my Meredith though. I smiled as she glanced up at me, she smiled and nodded before disappearing into an elevator, her shrieks for them to hurry the hell up could probably be heard on the rooftop.

I loved her. I just didn't know if I should.

I know I keep repeating myself here, but she hurt me. She left me. Sure, I was a crappy husband. I had done my fair share of hurting, neither of us were innocent.

And judging by her actions she was clearly doubting her choices. But was it enough?

Was regret sprung from loneliness, from missing the familiar, or was she just as unable to get over me as I was to her. I think for both of our sakes, we should take that into consideration slowly.

I tied on my ferry boat surgical scrub cap. A gift from my wife on our very first Christmas. It was also lucky...upon wearing it I'd had patients who should've died live. I always have a sense of confidence wearing it than I do when I wear other ones. I know this sounds stupid but I feel like I've got her with me when I wear it.

Hence why I won't wear anything else these days.

I walked into the scrub room and tied on a mask when the door opened. I turned to see who was joining me when I felt an envious punch in my stomach and I narrowed my stare on the sink, ignoring the pretty boy who just entered the room.

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Avery." I mumbled.

"I hear you're doing a major craniotomy with possibly a hemispherectomy. I've never observed or assisted on one and I'm interested in joining you."

"I already have a full OR Dr. Avery." I sighed "You'll have to find another one."

"But this is a procedure that doesn't happen very often."

"I know." I said bitterly.

"Sir, you may not realize this but I'm doing my fellowship in neurosurgery."

"That sucks." I scoffed. "Maybe you should find another neuro attending to kiss ass to."

"Sir?" he frowned "Have I done something to offend you?"

I knew it was petty, immature, juvenile even...but I didn't like him. For no professional reason. And for no fallible reason, I just didn't like him.

"You made my wife laugh." I muttered "You....you made her laugh."

"I'm sorry?" he frowned "You mean Meredith? But aren't you two divorced." I glared at him, he backed up and started to stutter "I mean uh... I mean I'm sorry to hear that, I'm sorry if I did something to offend you. Not my intentions. But that's not a reason not to teach, this is a teaching hospital right?"

I clenched my jaw as I dried my hands.

"You want a reason?" I asked "I don't like you. And I'm about to do a very complex procedure, I don't want to be distracted by annoying questions from someone I don't like. So, if you want to observe... you can-from the gallery."

I turned and went into the OR with the sounds of him pouting out the door behind me.

I knew I was being delusional, and maybe a little jealous. But only a little.