How You Remind Me

29

I felt like I was torn into a million pieces when he left me standing there in the dusty attic. It didn't take me long to figure out what I needed to do.

If he was going to take time to think....well so was I.

"He left!" I shrieked as I paced back and forth in Addison and Mark's living room.

Addie was curled up on the couch watching me rant. Mark had already left, assuming we needed girl time. He said he was going to go do some last minute Christmas shopping. My guess is that he really went to the sports bar to watch the Christmas Eve game.

"He left?" Addie replied.

"Yes!" I scoffed "He just walked out and said he needed to think."

"Well maybe he did?" Addie asked, I threw her a look "But wow, very confusing for you."

"I just, I don't get him."

"No woman fully understands men, honey."

"I know that!" I rolled my eyes "I just... why can't he just make up his mind already!"

"It's only been a few hours." She sighed. "Did you give him the gift?"

"Yes, he said he loved it."

"And you told him exactly how you feel, and what you want."

"Yes. And that he needs to think on."

"Well let him think then." She sighed "Like I said, Derek guards his heart. He doesn't go into things unless he's certain."

"I don't know Addie." I sighed as I plopped onto the couch and laid my head back to where I was staring at the ceiling "Maybe I'm just fooling myself, maybe I'm just missing the past."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that we're two different people now, Derek and I." I gulped "Maybe he's right, maybe it is too late."

"Honey it's Christmas Eve." She sighed "Let's not worry about anything like that. We're supposed to be happy and celebrating."

"Oh?" I asked "Tell me something happy then, what do we have to celebrate?"

Addie looked hesitant for a second and then let out a sigh "I was going to wait to tell everyone until tomorrow, but I guess you need some cheering up."

"You're not pregnant are you?" I asked... her face fell into a look of remorse and suddenly I felt two inches tall, I gasped "Oh god you are!"

"Yes." She whined as tears filled her eyes "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing!" I laughed and reached in to hug her "That was like the world's fastest conception!"

"Yeah well," she sniffled "you and Derek better give it a cousin to play with soon."

I sighed and patted her back "One step at a time."

"You'll make it Meredith." She squeaked "I know you will, you have to. If you and Derek can't make it through this then there's no hope for any of us."

I nodded with a smile and sighed "Does Mark know yet?"

"No." she cringed "Do you think he'll freak out?"

"If he does I'm kicking his ass."

She laughed and I joined her. For the rest of the afternoon and evening we talked about nursery themes, baby names and showers. And none of it bothered me like I thought it would. I was growing, yes I'd changed, yes he'd changed, but maybe it was all for the better.

Maybe we needed to be apart in order to come back together much stronger than we were in the first place.

I didn't realize how late I'd stayed until I was woken up at three in the morning by Mark coming in. I looked up to see Addie sound asleep on the couch and I sat up from where I was on the floor.

"Sorry." Mark whispered for waking me up.

"It's ok." I mumbled "I need to get back to the Shepherds anyway." I glanced at Addie and gulped then turned to Mark "Be good to her Mark, she deserves it."

"I know." He smiled.

He picked her up to carry her to bed as I slipped out of their Brownstone. I took a cab back to Ma's house, I'd rather not be meandering around New York City at three in the morning, not even on Christmas.

All the lights were off when I reached the house so I felt it was safe to sneak in. I'd hoped that Derek was asleep so I didn't have to explain myself...then again, why would I? I closed the door softly behind me and sighed with relief when it shut silently.

"Well, well, well look who's sneaking in."

I cringed as I recognized the voice and turned around slowly.

"It's not what you think."

She put her hands up to stop me and sighed with a smile of defeat on her face.

"I don't need an explanation." She said, "But I would like it if you'd come have some tea with me."

I gulped, as much as I wanted to go to bed I should at least have a cup of tea with her. I glanced at the stairs and then at Nancy.

"He's not here." She said then nodded to the kitchen "Coming?"

I nodded though I was wondering, if Derek wasn't here then where was he? Was he ok, was he hurt. Did he need help? We sat down at the small table inside the kitchen that was only big enough for two people, she lifted the kettle off the stove just as it started to whistle and poured two cups of tea.

"I don't know where Derek is in case that's what you were wondering." She said as she handed me some tea.

"It was one of the things I was wondering."

"You know, I don't hate you Meredith."

"You don't?"

"No." she laughed softly "I consider you my sister."

"Oh." I frowned.

"I know you didn't grow up with siblings, so its hard to understand that. I was hurt when you left my brother...though I'm sure neither of you were innocent. I was hurt, and I wanted an explanation."

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I have a problem." She gulped as she set her cup down "With communicating what I mean to say...it doesn't always come out right."

I nodded, I already knew that.

"Derek is a lot like me in that way." She said "Except where I say too much, he says too little." That got my attention "You need to be patient with him, and you need to wait, he'll tell you what he wants to tell you when he's ready."

"Nancy, how did you...."

"I'm the bitchy sister Meredith." She smirked "Not the stupid one."
So apparently the resounding solution to my anxiety was that I needed to be patient.

Great, just great.