How You Remind Me

30

I felt like a lost man wandering.

After spending a few hours in the snowy park, I'd taken a ferry boat ride to Long Island to clear my head.

I still wasn't any closer to solid answers, at least none that I needed.

I resigned myself to walking Fifth Avenue-on Christmas Eve.

Anyone who's anyone knows that can be outright dangerous this time of year. But I did, maybe the confusion and maze I would find myself in would help with my own.

Everything basically boiled down to, what did I want?

It was Christmas Eve, everyone was getting excited and geared up for getting what they wanted, and some what they didn't want. It was the night where wishes started coming true.

I had an idea of what I wanted. But I was scared, what if it didn't work? I'd lost her once, I couldn't lose her twice.

My choice, either way, had consequences. So which ones did I want to live with?

I made my way to Rockefeller square where one of the world's largest Christmas trees's stood mocking me. You could fit a person under that tree.

I sighed as I wandered up to it and stared at all the lights and ornaments.

Snow started to fall and I closed my eyes as my memories took me back to the past.

I remembered how it snowed on Meredith and I's first Christmas. I remember her telling me that it was good luck. I remember her sticking out her tongue as she tried to catch snowflakes on it.

Then her pushing me into the snow covered lawn demanding that I make a snow angel. I told her guys don't make snow angels. She said real men aren't afraid of wearing dresses. Of course I took the defeat and did it....I would do anything for her back then.

Just to see her eyes light up.

They didn't light up anymore. Not like they used to.... I glanced across the square just in time to see another couple, the gentleman got down on his knee and pulled out a box, a moment later they were kissing.

I still remember the day I made her that promise. The promise that I'd always love her-it was one I never broke. The one after that, the one where I promised her my life, where I promised that no matter what I'd always do what it took...the vows. I broke our vows.

We both did.

But now she was trying, or wanting to try. And here I was wandering. What was I doing wandering?

Before I could answer it, the answer hit me.

I struggled to think, to breathe, and to see anything but that. Suddenly it was so clear, I knew what I needed to do now. It wouldn't be easy, it would be painful.

*/*/*/*/*/*

It felt like I was sitting on a pin cushion instead of a couch cushion.

I didn't get a wink of sleep since I went to bed after tea time with Nancy. At least I felt at peace with that relationship. Now if only I could feel at peace about another.

I hadn't seen him at all, since the moment I came downstairs to watch the kids tear open their presents. I swore if anyone had any more kids we wouldn't be able to move around in the living room anymore on Christmas morning. The floor was nearly covered as it was. It was like Santa's bag threw up in our house.

Our house....how much longer would I be welcome here?

I sat on the couch trying to relax, it was almost 1 o'clock in the afternoon and it just started snowing again. I tried not to look at the door every two minutes, especially since no one else seemed to care that Derek wasn't here.