The Cathabella Diary | Novella

01.02.22

You keep yelling at yourself that everything's alright – that it's just a matter of time – something like a bad omen. But there you are; in the midst of a hailstorm, cycling bareheaded. I knew something wasn't right, that something needed a change – I swear I knew, almost as a premonition. But I had always believed Aly was rather sweet enough not to take this route.

I am also worried for Nancy, my sweet little pie. The idea of how she will grow up alone with her mother or a step-father in future is giving me creeps. My mother died after a year of my graduation – a time when I felt the loneliest in my life – devoid of any worldly pleasure. I was depressed. I loved my mom more than anyone else in this world and the thought that I would be living the rest of my life without her hand on my head – the exact same situation I am in. Depressed.

I never liked my father; not that I ever disliked him. He was a good but neglecting man. If I look back at my dad, I find myself just as a reflection of him – ambitious man who neglected his family over money. The only difference is that he was more inclined towards money and I consider myself a balanced man. After my mum's demise he was heartbroken, yes, but it never made him incline back to his family.

As the CEO of my enterprise, I have to leave for Singapore as soon as possible. It is more of a necessity than a duty for me. But do I have the courage? – it is the biggest question. This morning when I woke up these were the thoughts that were rollicking through my head while I had been sitting on the bed with my legs dangling at the edge. And the answer – negative... Not as a 'no', but as in a sense that I was unable to pick it up. I was still deciding against it. I let go of the solicitude... again.

The day went well till dusk. A few calls from the management, some from Alex – informing me about his whereabouts, the stocks and providing me with some updates from Singapore. But it was at half past six when I was sitting in the back porch and going through some reports Alex had sent me over phone when Aly came over to me. She walked in slowly and settled down on an adjacent armchair. I was feeling uneasy somehow. I pushed my glance up at her for a moment and then back at the phone. She looked subdued. I knew she had come to ask or tell me something.

"What, hon?", I asked her, breaking the shackles of silence with my head still down ('hon' has become a habit for me all though this years). She cleared her throat and asked me gently, "When are you leaving?"

"Uh, I haven't decided yet... Maybe within a week or two". She leaned further a little on the chair.
"But-but you should be leaving way before that, right?". Her voice was more commanding than caring.
"Yeah, but...". I didn't know what to say and I was still on my phone. She scoffed.

"Oh, I get it." She nodded. "You are taking this opportunity". Her tone was derogatory. I was feeling both sorry and insulted.
I put down the phone and faced her. "Aly, please. I can't live without you both. Please try to understand. Even if I fly there, I won't be able to focus on anything but you and Nancy. Don't make this gruel—".

I was about to raise my hands to hold her face when she yelled out. "You... Yes, You". She pointed at me. "You try to understand. I have already told you about my decision. I ain't gonna change it no more. Wanna know somethin'?". My hands went down halfway. "I love you, George. I love you so much!". She was on the verge of crying. "But the thing is you never understood my love. Never did you try to understand it. All you ever tried to think about was your business and fucking money! Where were you when I delivered Nancy? Where were you when she uttered the first word from her mouth and it was a feeble 'Daddy' which sounded more like a 'Daeey'?... Where were you when she was on her first day to pre-school and wanted her father to be with her and went in all the way crying? 'Where is daddy?', is what she had asked me while I opened the door of my Hyundai for her... Where the fuck were you when she wrote a poem on his dad and was asked to read it out on the Parents' meet? Where, huh? Ohh yes!! You were over there in your office, talking shit with Alex and your men that what stupidity happened somewhere in Spain that takes your fucking stake down!"

She came to a pause. I could not deny her allegations on me. I know how much I love my family, my daughter. All through the while she had been barking on me, a part of me was starting to lose its cool. How bad I wanted to reply back!

She continued. "Remember the day when you took me to that old quarry in your town?" Oh Aly, I remember it so well! Only I didn't say it. I couldn't say it. It was four months after our marriage when Brown shoes was still a stranger for many. I wanted to show her something that day.

Now, up from the hill of the quarry, you could see the sun sinking right in front of your eyes with a beautiful panorama between you and the horizon. I always felt that would be so romantic. And then there I was, with my wife by my side, hand in hand, wind fluttering through her golden hair, a smile on our faces.

"You know how happy I was that day? That moment, George. That exact moment I swore to my heart – I am never going to leave this man. I believed in you, George. I believed you were the man I had always dreamt of."

Now I was losing my cool. I guess it was visible on my face now. She didn't stop here. "What are you gonna do if we don't leave you? You never adore us and I do believe you never will. All you gonna do is treat us like a fucking pile of junk like you have been for all this fucking time!"

I got up, temper heating up my head – blazing me like a fresh flame. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! You want to know what I do while I leave you here, right?"
"Right". She crossed her arms.
"I work like a mule in that fucking office so that I can give my family the necessity they seek for. Everything!"
She scoffed. "Bullshit, all bullshit. It's not that we are dying of hunger, George, or we are running behind the rent of some stupid land-lord. We have everything"
"It's not always what you see, Aly. This house, the food you eat. I stop working or reduce my stakes, and then you see what it does to that 'everything' you mention here. What do you think, am a fool? A fucking fool?" I punched my temple as I said that. I was furious.

All of it went on till seven and now there's no backing. We are taking a divorce. I just can't stay with her anymore. It's beyond my perception to understand what makes her so impulsive. She will never realize the value of my job until she herself has to run for money and feed Nancy. Let life be the testimony for her.