Mickey - The View From Here - Gallavich

Delusion

“I thought you moved out,” I said with a mouth full of cereal, standing in my sister's bedroom doorway in a pair of boxers and a wife beater.

Mandy rummaged through one of her drawers, searching for some skanky garment to wear for Lip. How was she was still hung up on Ian's brother? I didn’t find him attractive, but Mandy evidently did. According to Colin, Mandy was spending most nights, even days on end at the Gallagher house. She and Lip were shoving it all in Ian's face. Yet, when we had talked under the bleachers, he hadn’t said a word about it. Did he suddenly not care?

“Where is it?” Mandy asked herself as she threw different pieces of clothing from her drawer over her shoulder.

“He'd probably rather you don’t wear anything,” I mused.

I didn’t see the appeal in lingerie. If you’re fucking, just get naked. Why add lace? You’re just going to take it all off anyway.

“Found it!” she announced with pride before showing it off. The desperately needed garment was simply a pair of black lace panties. I didn’t understand what the big deal was.

I scooped another spoonful of cereal up and shoved it in my mouth before speaking again. “I thought Lip was, like, in love with Karen or some bullshit like that.”

“Nope,” Mandy replied as she stuffed the underwear and a few other garments into her backpack. “He’s in love with me.”

I doubt it.

Swallowing my food, I pointed out, “I dunno. When Karen comes back, he’s gonna forget you exist again.”

My sister cast me a glare. “He loves me.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself. But you’re gonna look like a fuckin’ dumbass when he’s done with you. Try to dump him first.”

“Can you fuck off?” she snapped. “I never asked for your stupid opinion.”

I didn’t budge. “Hey, uh, is your ‘boyfriend’ cool with you banging his brother?”

Mandy rolled her eyes and sighed. “I forget how dumb you are sometimes. Ian doesn’t give a shit who I fuck.”

“Did he say that?”

Her eyes widened with frustration. “Oh, my God. Dude. Ian has a boyfriend, okay? He's my best friend, that's all. I thought you knew that.”

I set my spoon down in my half-eaten bowl of cereal and left the bowl on a cabinet by the door. I wasn’t hungry anymore. “Boyfriend?”

“Oh, shit,” Mandy winced, realizing she had overshared with me. “Could you pretend you didn’t hear that? I don’t think he wanted you to find out, like, so soon after you got out. I’ve known for a long time but there’s probably a reason why he didn’t come out until after you were arrested.”

He never told me he came out.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” I growled, my defenses suddenly shooting up.

“C'mon, Mick. You guys were spending a lot of time together at the store and stuff…”

Oh, shit. She knows.

“He probably didn’t want you to think he was hitting on you or anything. You would have, then you would have kicked his ass. But now you know he has this rich, doctor boyfriend and isn’t secretly in love with you. So, if you could not be an asshole about it, I’d appreciate it.”

I faked a chuckle. “Bullshit. That ginger dweeb isn’t dating a doctor.”

Mandy nodded, affirming that I was wrong. “You should see the shit this guy buys for Ian. He's so lucky he found a sugar daddy.”

As an afterthought, I rounded back to what Mandy had said before. “And I wouldn't have beat him up. I don’t give a shit what he’s into.”

Mandy made a face. “I dunno.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “What? You think I’m a homophobe or something?”

“Well,” she said as though I was standing proof of her point. “If it walks like a duck…”

“Get fucked. I'm not a homophobe.”

“You don’t have to lie to me,” Mandy said, getting exacerbated. “You have a lot of Terry in you. It’s normal you’d inherit a few of his shitty world views.”

“Take that shit back.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, Mandy turned her nose up at me. Now that she was sleeping at the Gallagher house, she thought she was better than me, better than all of our siblings. “You're more like him everyday. Soon, you’ll be just like dad.”

Enraged, I marched up to her and lost my temper. “Yeah? At least I’m not a delusional slut banging my queer boyfriend's brother while he waits for his actual girlfriend to come crawling back. Which she will.”

“Get out of my room,” Mandy demanded. “Stupid, worthless piece of shit.”

With sinister thoughts, I smirked and informed my sister, “you’re just like mom.”

Mandy punched me in the face. “Fuck you!” she shouted as she began to shove me out of her room.

“No, fuck you, you dumb, loony bitch,” I shouted back as I stormed off and into my bedroom. Slamming my door shut, I sat at the end of my bed and put my head in my hands.

I couldn’t believe it. Ian had a boyfriend. I couldn't compete with a doctor that bought Ian gifts. He probably treated Ian great and I had absolutely nothing to offer.

How could I be so naïve and hopeful? Fucking stupid. I was never gonna “be" with Ian. I was simply the only other closeted guy in the neighborhood that Ian could find. Now that he wasn’t in the closet with me, he had a whole world of options. I couldn’t follow him. I would be trapped in the proverbial closet at least until my dad died.

Pushing the pain down yet again, I accepted the fact that I needed to let Ian go. If I didn’t, I’d be as delusional as my sister was about Lip.