[Venice; Shylock's yard]
(Enter Antonio, Bassanio and Shylock)
Shylock: *Alseep on a bench, sleep talking* Antonio! Antonio! I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!
Antonio: ...
Bassanio: ...
Antonio: Oh, well. Shylock... *Voice barely above a whisper as he carefully touches Shylock's shoulder*
Bassanio: Shylock, old mate...?
Shylock: *Suddenly wakes up*
What the fuck do you want?!
Antonio: *Scared fuckless*
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm just here to make a deal.
Shylock: Deal? A deal with you? You must be kidding yourself, hah.
Hell no.
Bassanio: Aahhh! Just hear him out, brethren.
Shylock: That's not such a good idea, I feel.
Antonio: Shylock, dude, listen.
There's this rich idiot, Portia. You know her, yeah?
Shylock: Yeah, so? What about her?
Antonio: Well, Bassanio here is going to woo her, for which he needs money and then we plan on splitting her money in half. Sounds like a plan, eh?
Shylock: Aha! So, that's your plan. What do you want from me, then? And, why on earth are you telling me your motives?
Bassanio: Lend us money, duh.
Antonio: 3000 ducats.
Shylock: Okay, fine.
But.
Bassanio: But...?
Shylock: I have a condition, duh. *Mocks Bassanio while he deadpans*
Antonio: Which is...?
Shylock: (To himself) Man, it's so cool to have these two idiots hanging on to my every word.
(To the them) If you fail to return my money in, say...three months, is that fine?
Antonio: Yeah, my ships would be back by then, sure. Go ahead.
Shylock: Yeah, so, if you fail to return the money back by three months, I will have a pound of your flesh from any part of your body, I fucking desire.
Antonio: Okay, cool.
Bassanio: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!
Antonio: If you interrupt my transactions one more time in this life or other, I swear to god, I'll cut your balls off.
Shylock: I'm not done yet.
Antonio: Oh, okay, go on...
Shylock: That one pound may include skin, blood, bodily hair, bone scrapings, bone pieces, enzymes, nails, etcetera.
No cheating, yeah?
Antonio: Yeah, yeah. Okay!
Shylock: Cool. Here, take the money. Goodbye!
(Exit Shylock, Antonio and Bassanio)
