Nyx's journal ◑﹏◐

Page 11

I don't know but I think I might be doing something wrong- I just feel like I'm not good enough. Everyday I try my hardest but something is always wrong, I'm not working hard enough aren't I? I try my best to make people laugh and make them feel better, but everytime I see my loved and cared ones get upset I feel like I'm the problem. Especially when it comes to Zarbuu- everyday she comes home tired and it makes me sad to see that exhausted look on her face. She told me how unforgiving her job was and I just so distressed to hear how easy I got it compared to her...

I've been working on something for her but I bet it wouldn't matter in the end- Maybe my dad was right, I am a disappointment - just the worst thing to happen in my bloodline, I'm scared of him, I shouldn't be but I am- after what he has done to me I can't see why I tried so hard to please him- "Hey dad! I made you something for Father's day!! ://D" trash "Hey dad, I thought I would make you and mom something since you gave me some free time today <: ]" TRASH "Hey...I thought since you've been working hard to put up with my bullcrap and uselessness - I made a drawing of our family since....it's supposed to be the most important to you... <:, [" FUCKING TRASH- At least my mom appreciated me.

I'm just useless useless useless, so gullible and stupid- I guess I really am a mistake- I tried my whole life to make him happy but all got was criticism, backlash, and wrecklessness... How do you even mistaken your own child for you bounty target, I was in the hospital for a couple of days just because my dad thought it was cool to do his job on our camping trip. I now have a scar on my waist and god knows what would've happened to me if he had a gun instead of a pocket knife. But, it was my fault as usual, LIKE HOW THE FUCK IS IT MY FAULT THAT HAPPENED, HOW IS IT MY FAULT THAT I GOT BULLIED WHEN I WAS YOUNGER- "Well maybe you should stop being so idiotic - you're not a special needs kid-" LIKE THAT WAS NEVER THE PROBLEM, IT WAS YOU, IT WAS ALWAYS FUCKING YOU, CAUSE YOU GAVE ME SO MANY SCARS JUST BECAUSE PROBLEMS IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU CAUSED, THAT YOU MADE. MOM WAS SCARED OF YOU, SHE KNEW YOU DIDNT MEAN IT BUT SHE WAS SO SCARED. SHE DIDNT WANT YOU TO GUARD HER CHILD- IM SO GLAD A RAN AWAY WHEN I DID BECAUSE I COULDN'T STAND BEING IN THAT HELLHOLE ANY LONGER I COULDN'T STAND BEING STRESSED AND GIVEN THE TRAUMA I HAD AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE- BUT- But....I miss my mom...No matter what I went through she was always there for me...I miss her so much...I wish I could've said something before I left....I just wish i could've told her that I love her...That she was the best mom a son like me could have...I just want to give her a hug...at least one...Just to tell her that everything would be fine when I left...

But anyways, I should really wrap this up- I have to start cooking before Zarbuu comes home, I want to make sure she's feeling her best at the place she loves the most