The Ace of Her Heart

4

Writing is slow. 🫥
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The anxiety only gets worse as Sayaka sits in the semi-empty classroom. Everytime the doors open, Sayaka can't help but dread the fact that the President will be standing on the other side. It wouldn't be the first time the President paid her a visit as she sat in class. Of course, like the lunch plans, things like that dwindled faster before the tower gamble was even struck. She wouldn't bother coming. She couldn't even type out a message. For heaven's sake Sayaka! Get it together! As if you'd suddenly become important now! Sayaka rubs her temples with her hand as she takes notes. The headache did in fact get much worse, perhaps she should've taken Midari's advice in resting or at least the medicine. No. No. Pain is a reminder. I'm unfocused. Sayaka exhales slowly, the class has begun despite little to no students in the seats. It's never mattered before & Sayaka tries so hard to focus on the lesson. The sickening feeling that presented itself in the morning has come back, a reminder that her body hasn't made a full recovery. Sayaka dismisses her own warning as she's done plenty of times before. It's nothing new. She's done this before. Is this healthy? No. Not at all. Does she stop doing it despite feeling lightheaded already? No.

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Nauseating. Sayaka feels lightheaded & an uncomfortable feeling of nausea mixed with panic wash over her as she stands. She leans on the desk for support, trying her best not to fall & cause a scene. She didn't need that. No. Causing a scene would make the President look at her. Isn't that what she wanted? To have the President's eyes on her & her only? Perhaps before knowing this cursed information, yes. She'd do anything to have the President look at her. Oh. Oh. She did do anything for even the slightest glance. She jumped off a damn tower for heaven's sake! She did countless things, just so the President would give her a second glance. Now. Now things are different. She wants the earth to swallow her whole. She doesn't want the President to look at her even if it's for a split second. She dreads the thought of it. In fact so much she can physically feel the blood drain from her face. Absurd of course, but Sayaka feels cold shivers run along her body at the mere thought of it all. Why is that? Words heard behind closed doors shouldn't have made Sayaka flip this desire so suddenly, & yet it did. The words hurt a lot. It ruined her entire system she built. Just now realizing how much of it was built around the President. Desperate. I see how it made me desperate now. Sayaka closes her eyes & exhales slowly hoping it won't be a repeat of this morning. It was. Only slightly but the lightheadedness gets worse & she has to grip onto the desk to prevent a stumble. The classroom has probably emptied by now, her other class has probably begun without her. "Get it together Sayaka.." She mumbles to herself. "Oh. There you are, Sa~ya~ka~.." A voice she knows all too well suddenly pipes up from the doors. No. Oh god no. It's absurd. These thoughts would never enter her brain when it came to the President. Sure she would get so flustered it all about sounded the same in the end honestly. She feels cold shivers run along her skin & she shudders slightly, flinching as the heartache pangs as a small reminder. She forces the calmest face she could muster despite panicking internally. She hopes her body doesn't betray the image she's trying to put out, her voice especially. She had hoped to grab some tea to alleviate the hoarseness before her next class but now things have gotten complicated. "P-President!" Sayaka turns to the older girl, flinching slightly at the sound of her own voice. It's unsuccessful. Whatever she wanted so desperately to hide in her voice spills out regardless of her embarrassed tone. Despite everything she knows, the giddy & happy feeling remains when she looks at the other. How naive. Simple. It only took a couple of words to make me realize the truths I've foolishly cast aside. "Ara Sayaka~ Are you that displeased to see me? Perhaps you were in fact avoiding me since yesterday?" The President presses on as she catches the other flinch upon greeting. She takes the silence & surprised look to move closer. "Ah! No! No, President! Of course not! I was just feeling unwell. The feeling seems to have lingered this morning." Sayaka hurriedly spills out, standing straight as she waves her arms frantically. It's the truth. She was feeling unwell yesterday but it was no simple illness as she implied, but the venom that dripped from those words she had heard. Knowledge that cursed her very existence, rocking her to her core. The sickening feeling worsens as she rushes her actions, but she pushes it down. There's no need to be dramatic about it. It'll go away soon, unlike the person in front of her. The President stops briefly as if contemplating the distance & if it's worth catching whatever disease she may carry. "Hmm~ That's quite unfortunate Sayaka.  Perhaps a visit to the nurse should be in order. I can't have my secretary wandering the halls spreading an illness, now can I?" The President answers in a manner that could be teasing. Sayaka doesn't know, her mind is too tired to try & figure it out. "O-Of course not.. I'll see to it. Perhaps.. Even retreat for the day instead." Sayaka says in a disappointing manner. Of course. Of course the President would only offer empty pity. She realizes how many times the pity & concern was never with her but something she affected. Never for her. Whether it was in a teasing manner or in all seriousness, concern for her well-being wasn't taken note of completely. "Alright, well I do hope you'll feel better soon. I can't do my job & yours; as well as these elections, hm?" The silky voice brings up. Sayaka says nothing & only shakes her head adamantly. It makes the headache & dizziness worse. Seemingly satisfied, the older girl leaves Sayaka to her own thoughts. The concern was never for her completely. Never. Remembering the time she all but practically collapsed trying to get life plans in order, only to have the President tell her to get better quickly or the council would fall behind. It wasn't even her work, but in fact the President's. She shouldn't have been doing it in the first place but anything to please the older girl. To get even a slight subtle touch as a reward. Like a puppy trying to impress its master by doing the bare minimum hoping for even a scratch on the head. "Her concern was always empty but it fooled me enough to yearn for even the slightest hint of it." Sayaka sighs, the moment she relaxed it all went downhill. Her body gave in & just barely she managed to catch herself on the chair. Sitting down as all other feelings & emotions came back at once tenfold. It felt suffocating. This feeling is familiar, it's the exact feeling she felt as her lungs gasped for a little bit of air during the breakdown. It's a good thing this classroom remained empty until lunch. Sayaka could stay here if she so desired. Her own body was too exhausted to even try & move. She can't hide forever. As much as she would like to disappear from the face of the earth, she can't. She can't fake this illness for too long. She can't avoid the President forever. Sooner or later, she'd have to confront the other. Or at least do something about this relationship. Girlfriend. Now she knows why the word feels so foreign to her. It was implied. It was always implied. Not by the both of them but just Sayaka. She takes note of it now. The President never actually asked her to be her girlfriend. She never did anything with her in a simple manner. Sayaka merely figured it was already implied, unspoken words that didn't need to be said to understand. She had misunderstood, making a fool of herself in the process. Being so desperate for affection, that the President found it amusing while she figured it was a normal thing in their intimate connection. There was no connection. At least not like I envisioned. Sayaka musters enough strength to put her things away, clearing the desk to lay her head down. Resting on her arms, she allows her body to express all the panic & anxiety she had buried. With her leg bouncing at no rhythm to allowing the suffocating feeling within influence her glossy eyes. She has her head turned away from the closed door, & decides it's okay to cry just a bit.

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The second time Sayaka awakens today, she is met with confusion. She had let it happen again. She cried herself unconscious all out in the open, leaving herself vulnerable. That isn't what's confused her no. Nor is it the way it seems her body is even more exhausted than before. It's the fact that Jabami is right in front of her face, seemingly coaxing her gently awake. If Sayaka didn't know any better, she could say it was concern on the other's face. But she did. Sayaka did know better. As if Jabami is capable of concern. Mentally she scoffs at the idea & instead of jerking away from the other abruptly, Sayaka gently swats the hand away. Raising her head slowly, as she gives a half-convincing frown of annoyance. She can see Jabami's mouth move but her head feels fuzzy as she doesn't register any words. "What?" Her voice is even worse for what little she registered. Sure, she didn't openly sob this breakdown but it was barely above a whisper now & it hurt terribly like everything else. "I asked if you were alright. You don't looks so well, Igarashi-San." Yumeko seems to ask again. Sayaka leans on the desk as she gets up slowly from her seat. She doesn't know how long she's been asleep but staying here was no longer an option. "I- Yes. I'm fine." Fine. She's anything but fine, one little thing would cause her to crumble. "Hmph, you don't look fine. Not like I care or anything but you look ready to pass out." Sayaka tenses at the new voice, she's so out of it she failed to realize the second person in the room. Saotome. These two are a trio. Now if she's here then. Ah. Suzui. Standing just behind her away from first glances. She doesn't need their concern. Or pity or whatever it may be they offer. "I'm fine." Sayaka repeats in a firm manner. The attempt almost causing her body to lurch forward. Perhaps she should go to the nurse, have them tell her things she already knows. Her body is exhausted & requires rest as well as a proper meal. She doesn't know what exactly caused Jabami to hold her arm. Maybe she did lurch forward or just seemed unstable. Whatever the reason she doesn't pull away from the touch immediately. She also says nothing about it, merely accepts it for a moment as she wonders if she can even make it back to the dorms. "Tch! Look. You seem ready to collapse any second now. You may be the President's little puppy or whatever but I'd feel guilty leaving you here in obvious distress." Saotome's voice piped up again as Suzui nods his head in agreement. Sickening. Hearing the other girl call her the President's puppy made her blood boil. It caused a moment of clarity as her body involuntarily tensed. The moment was enough to push through the waves of nausea & exhaustion. Swiftly she jerks her hand away from the raven-haired, grabbing her things. "I said I'm fine, didn't I? Don't bother feeling guilty. Now if you'll excuse me." Sayaka says through gritted teeth, she hopes the annoyance in her voice is enough to get them off her back. She doesn't look back at the trio as she rushes out. "Hmph. Stuck up." Mary huffs out annoyed herself. Yumeko doesn't say anything. For once she stays quiet, remembering how the girl tensed & changed her demeanor so drastically. She can't help but wonder why it changed quickly, though it was not hard to guess with the tear-stained cheeks on the other's face.

The minute Sayaka walks out, the moment of clarity holding her steady disappears. Managing to round a corner to a busy hallway before feeling the weight of it all crash down. It's lunch now, she wonders if Midari went to look for her at the council room. Maybe. She can't blame her though. She spent every minute she could there, just to be near the older girl's presence whether it was there or merely lingering. As much as Sayaka hates it, Saotome was right. She was indeed close to collapsing & perhaps she wouldn't even make it to the dorms before doing so. Sayaka lets out a shaky breath as she leans onto the wall. My vision is blurring & my head is pounding.. A hand snakes around her waist as another pulls her arm over a shoulder. "Here you are. Let's go back to the dorms." Faintly she recognizes the voice. Midari. She's relieved that it's her friend holding her up. Helping her & leading her away from prying eyes.