The sky, a different color almost every night, was a dark pink. Takeo, Nikolai, and Richtofen sat around an almost out fire. While everyone else was having a good time talking amongst themselves, Tank sat alone at his own fire a little farther from everyone else.
He didn't stay away because he didn't like the others, he just felt displaced. He knew that his friends liked his jokes and enjoyed his company, but he couldn't shake the feeling of a hidden self-hatred deep inside of him.
He was of course already stressed enough with everything going on, but his reoccurring memories made him dislike his relationship with himself even more. This hatred has continued for weeks. The first day, he sits alone, enjoying his time to himself, gives him a good time to understand his thoughts. The next day, he realizes he feels better alone because he doesn't have to feel the judgement of others pressured onto him. The next week, he feels completely disconnected with his friends, the world, and even himself. He feels that he is easily annoyed with everything, and he can't control how he reacts anymore. He has realized that staying away is better. He thinks back at everything he has ever done or said, what he could've changed, how he could've reworded things. He thinks about the fact that even if the world does hate him, the person who hates him most is his self. He doesn't want anyone to know these feelings because he knows that his friends would see him differently, vulnerable, even weak.
As weeks go by, he collects more and more about himself. Today, he sits closely at a fire with his head down, his skin almost burning, realizing that he is not a good person. He doesn't know if it's how he was raised or taught growing up, but he does not feel cared for by anyone. He does not know what love is.
A shy takeo comes over, sitting with a sad Tank, noticing his grief. He does not say anything yet, but scoots closer to Tank. "What's on your mind?" Takeo finally speaks.
Tank tries to recollect himself after being zoned out the entire time he's been sitting there.
"Nothing." He tells him, but Takeo can tell Tank is lying.
"If something is wrong, I wouldn't mind if you told me." Takeo says again.
Tank sighs, telling anyone right now didn't feel like his best option considering how he still doesn't understand. Yet he realizes he is closest with Takeo and has developed deeper feelings with him.
"I want to be alone most days." Tank speaks up.
"I can tell, we don't see you much." Takeo responds with a sort of soft tone to his voice.
"Everyday is bad, but lately it's been getting worse." Tank says while a quiet Takeo listens, Tank continues, "I want to be involved with you guys but I'm scared to say the wrong things."
"What could you say that's 'wrong'?" Takeo asks him.
"I don't know anything specific, I just hate talking." Tank tells him, "I wish I could go home."
"I know, me too."
"I'm not a good person, Tak. I feel like out of anyone you need to know this. You have always been the kindest." Tank tells Takeo as he's getting emotional.
"I don't believe you." Takeo suggests, "And everything you're feeling is normal."
"I am though. I've done terrible things, things I'm too scared to admit." Tank convinces.
"I cant believe you, you've never proved that to me." Takeo comforts Tank, pressing his hand on top of his, "you're the most selfless, caring man I'll ever know."
Tank stares down at how his once shaky hands were now still due to Takeo's presence. He thinks Takeo could be saying all of this just to be nice to him and make him feel better. He also thinks that Takeo is one to not lie to anyone, no matter what.
Tank realizes he has always put others before him no matter what the situation was. He loves everyone and has never hated a soul, he is incapable of doing so. As Tank looks up at how Takeo lights up under the night sky, he realizes that he does know what love is.
