How Not to Vampire - Season 2

20: You Can't Resist the Touch of Evil

Pro-Tip for Vampires #54: vampires suck

I burst into the apartment like some type of wildman, breathing heavy from the building panic and the exhilaration of running the last ten blocks home. This entry had the unfortunate effect of causing Doreen to fumble and almost drop the tray of freshly baked cookies from her hands.

"Jesus, Bob! You scared the shit out of me!"

"I'm freaking out. Can you tell I'm freaking out, because I'm fucking freaking out!" I said it all at once, almost gibberish, but I didn't care.

The door slammed shut behind me, and Doreen jumped again. I noticed the cookies on the baking tray that was definitely not mine because I didn't own a baking tray, did I? And what was she doing baking at 5:27 in the morning anyway? So many questions, so of course, I asked the most important one.

"Are those chocolate chip?"

Doreen opened her mouth to give an answer that I didn't bother to wait for. I grabbed two cookies and shoved the first one into my mouth, suddenly ravenous.

"Why are you freaking out this much?" She asked, then her face fell as something occurred to her. "Is Beatrice okay?"

I almost laughed at that one. Sure, the last time I had seen Beatrice, she and Louise were beating the shit out of each other, not sparing the immediate surroundings, but Beatrice was a survivor. I had no doubt she was lurking out there somewhere, plotting and scheming.

"Yeah, yeah, she's probably fine. But me? Well, my ex is pregnant, and I think it's mine, but I never got the chance to ask because I have this six thousand-year-old vampire brain parasite in my head, and he's making me want to do bad shit, and I can't get him out even though I want him gone and then he almost made me bite my ex! I can't even make plans to get him out because he's in my head, watching my every move! Shut up!"

"I didn't say anything."

"Not you! Him!" I pointed at my head, feeling a little stupid.

I will bide my time, boy, Ibrahaim interjected.

Doreen latched on to the one thing I said that had made some kind of sense. "You're going to be a father? You?"

Her face painted a picture of how skeptical she was at the idea, and I couldn't help but agree with her, but there was no way I was going to say that out loud.

"I think so," I said instead and sulkily bit the other cookie. "I don't know... Maybe?"

Doreen nodded slowly, processing this new information. "Have you tried an exorcism?"

"Just to be clear, this exorcism is for the thing in my head, not the baby I just told you I'm going to be the father of, right?"

"Yeah, exactly that." Doreen hurried over to the coffee table, and for the first time, I noticed that it was covered in various religious paraphernalia, thick leather-bound books, and a couple of printouts with variations of the word 'vampire,' complete with extremely graphic illustrations.

"Whoa, did you rob a magic shop or something?"

"Your friend 'John Smith' was looking for you. He left a few of the older ones. The rest of them I borrowed from work." She glanced at me and rolled her eyes at my blank look. "I'm a librarian, Bob. We talked about this, remember?"

I shook my head slowly, still trying to pull in that memory, but I was getting absolutely nothing. I actually wanted to ask her about exactly when Claude had dropped by, but Doreen sighed heavily and continued to look through the pile.