How Not to Vampire - Season 2

2. In Blood We Share

Pro-tip for vampires #111: Keep your enemies close so you can find new interesting ways to kill them.

Five minutes later, I found myself following Lady Vera like a lovesick puppy into an elevator at the far end of the morgue. I had been trying to find a way to break it to her that I probably wasn't the right guy for the job she had in mind, but my thoughts had been interrupted by the uncomfortable boner I got everytime the woman so much as breathed, smiled or looked at me. I did try to focus on images of Sebastien suffering in various scenarios—me shaving his head, me kissing Jaime while he sobbed uncontrollably, or even better, me ripping his fucking head off– but it was no use. It was instant boner time, all the time with Lady Vera.

Just my luck, right?

There was also this icky thing about a funeral that made me uncomfortable seven ways from Sunday. Like seriously? What could possibly be gained from something that was all ceremony and no reward? Sure I wanted to impress Lady Vera, I mean she was a real Countess and everything, but I had my limits. I just had to get it through to my stupid boner. Luckily the elevator was enormous—like the hull of an alien spaceship, just like the rest of Lady Vera's House of Horrors, so I retreated to a corner, pretending to be interested in the shiny glass control panel next to the back doors, and adjusted my crotch. Then I spoke up.

"Can't we just skip the funeral?" I blurted out before I could change my mind and act rationally and not piss off the powerful vampire. I recklessly continued, trying not to be deterred by the withering stare from Lady Vera. "I've heard it's bad luck to have a funeral on whatever today is, and more bad luck is the last thing I need. What I need is to go kill that lustrous-haired girlfriend-stealing douchebag Sebastien!"

There was silence in the elevator, the kind of silence that gets awkward pretty quickly after you've just said something monumentally stupid and are currently avoiding looking at the person who you had no doubt pissed off.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lady Vera reach out to push a button.

BZZZT! The elevator halted in its upward motion, and Lady Vera turned to face me, deadly silent.

She steepled her fingertips and glared at me over them for a moment, one immaculately-arched eyebrow communicating that I needed to shut the fuck up.

"Let me assure you, Roberto, you want this funeral," Lady Vera said. "There are whole libraries of tales based on the poor vampires who neglected this most important rite. Those who spurn the ritual have the most dreadful luck that you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemies," Lady Vera said darkly, and I could swear the lights flickered and dimmed as she spoke. "For example, do you recall a vampire named Vlad who was killed after being turned? He didn't have a funeral, and do you know what happened to him?"

I hesitated then gave my best guess. "Had a ton of books written about him, several movies, and eventually got turned into a glitter doll in a worldwide franchise that made a ton of money?"

"I would focus more on the part where he was impaled on his own blades and subsequently made into the villain in over three hundred movies, without receiving a single cent in royalties," she said with a shudder. "The more negative aspects. I must admit, though, I had forgotten about the glitter."

"Am I missing the part where this is a cautionary tale?"

Lady Vera sighed deeply and pushed the elevator button. Machinery clanked and hummed as the elevator continued its slow rise upward.

"Are you so impatient to have your revenge on Sebastien, Roberto?" Lady Vera asked. "Do you think the funeral is a waste of time?"

I nodded numbly, not knowing what else to say. "Lady Vera, all due respect, but Sebastien is with Jaime-- my ex-girlfriend. I have to do something."