The Timeservers

Chapter 50

New York City, New York

Central Park

December 20, 227 P.F.E

2300 hours

Via might change her mind again. She'd been changing her mind all day about whether to actually go into the circus. In some moments she would actually turn all the way around and stand in line for the shuttle. Then she thought of all that was waiting for her back at the Spire. Maybe she'd overreacted to Kelly's response. Maybe he wasn't pushing her away but couldn't remember what had happened. Maybe it had all been in Via's head and she'd tried to kiss him twice when he didn't want it. He was just her friend. She shouldn't even be thinking of him as anything more.
She should have just been satisfied with being loved as a friend instead of loved in the way she wanted to beloved. Though Via might not have even had that love. She might never have had a friend. So she went to the closest thing to a friend she's ever had.
Crew is in front of Via. She sits on the ground and tries talking to him, but it just feels stupid today. He wasn't even her friend, just someone who couldn't stand for the next domino in line to fall alongside him. He told her how he thought people could survive that place, though he was never willing to take his own advice.
"I feel stupid today. I think I'm going to fall. I survived that place by going a different path and I'm still going to fall," Via sighs.
Crew shrugs, smirking a little as he jumps from rock to rock in the small park. He waves his arms to keep himself balanced. "I can't tell you that it will get better, or that anything will be okay," his favorite saying. Via knows what's coming next and mouths it along with him. "Just keep plugging away and don't die." He almost falls off another rock and has to brace against it with a hand covered in a tattered glove.
"That part of the bargain's gotten harder. I'm not going to make it any better tonight. I know, stupid."
"Why do you insist that you're stupid?" Crew wonders, sitting on the rock in front of Via. He almost crushes the food she'd brought for him when he lands. She wonders when the last time he ate was. 
"You were the first one who told me that."
Crew cocks his head in agreement. "I only meant that in regards to how hopeful you were about the chancellors. I thought everyone knew how awful they are." Crew leans back, his thin, stained jacket falling open across his chest. How is he not freezing?
Via nods, remembering the conversation. "I think I'm stupid now because I don't understand anything and I'm totally useless. I didn't help protect the Tower. I didn't follow orders and Kelly had to walk around looking for me while he bled. I tried to kiss him but he was just 'loopy' so all my signals were wrong. He gave me a way out and I didn't take it and now I just look dumb. I just- I just need to feel like I'm worth something."
Via is going to go into the circus and bring Tatiana home. That will let her feel like she's not so stupid and remind her that at one point she had at least a little worth. She was worth something to someone; even if it was an enemy, even if it was just a meal ticket.
Crew sighs, his nose twitching. "You don't have to do this. What are you even trying to prove?"
"That I'm worth something."
Crew looks away, avoiding eye contact. "To who?"
"I have to go. Goodbye." Via stands up, wrapping her jacket around herself and walking away as fast as possible. Crew doesn't argue, going back to hopping from rock to rock.
It's snowing, wet snow, almost closer to rain. It hits the ground heavily and melts almost as soon as it hits her jacket. She pulls the hood up and can hear the snow pelt the waterproof fabric as she wipes it from her eyes.
When she gets to it, she looks around the street she was directed to and tries to find the entrance to the circus. All of the buildings are higher end than she thought they would be, being homes for low strikers. They used to be theatres but most were converted. Via wonders if she's in the wrong place. It all seems too nice for what it should be.
Via finds the specific building that she's looking for, it has a bright marque. There are multiple doors at the front but she skirts around the building to the one she was directed to. It's black, unassuming, and in the back of an alley. She knocks. Nothing happens. She knocks again, more insistently this time. The door finally opens, just a crack. Via pushes it open and no one is there.
"Hello? Hello, is anyone there?" Via enters the building, poking around a little. She's in a dark and dusty backstage area. There's a dim light coming from the stage, but it turns out just to be a single light in the middle of the stage. There's nothing to indicate that a circus would be here and Via's heart sinks.
She turns around and is about to try a different place when she notices the faintest tracings of black on the floor, the last of an arrow pointing her through the building. She follows the arrow into the next room, this one dusty and cobwebbed. Another arrow points her down the staircase. She tries to turn on a light but it doesn't work so she turns on her screen instead to light her way.
The staircase leads to the worst part of the building, a dank basement where mold grows in abundance. Old equipment lies in disrepair and dust hangs heavy in the air. Even if there is another black arrow to follow it would be impossible to find. It's a dead end.
This can't be a dead end though. She can't just turn around. She'll only turn around when she has Tatiana with her. Via racks her mind for everything she's heard about the circus and over the moment when Barkley gave her the card.
She should have brought the card, but she didn't want to risk going back to her room and running into Kelly. She wouldn't have been surprised if he was waiting in her room for her.
No, she has to stay focused. What did Barkley say? He wanted her to come. He would have given her all she needed to make it. Via smiles when she gets it.
"'If you want to be a rebel you have to stand the heat.'" Via removes one of her gloves and starts testing the walls, floors, furnace, and water heater. Most of it is ice cold, having been frozen all winter. Then Via hits on a section that's so hot she has to retract her hand. It's just one brick. Every other one is cold.
Via doesn't want to touch it directly and picks up a pipe that's lying on the ground and presses it to the brick experimentally. She tries with her still-gloved hand. The fabric begins to burn but the brick still doesn't move.
"'You have to stand the heat.'" Even if the circus is supposed to let people be 'rebels' New Americans wouldn't get over the need for punishment. Mostly that cost is food or a few hours in an uncomfortable room. The circus wants the cost to be a bit more permanent.
She hesitates, her hand trembling. Her stomach is doing flips and every part of her is screaming to just turn back. This is dumb. She's so dumb. Via pushes it all down and presses her hand against the brick.
At first, there's no pain at all. Then it's an intense wave of heat that jumps right past her skin; inhabiting her palm, her fingers. She wants to pull back. This was surely a mistake. She holds out for one, maybe two seconds.
When the brick suddenly cools Via can't feel it. It must still be red-hot. It must still be burning her skin because she can feel the pain searing her hand. But the brick cools and the edges light up with a sickly green light.
A section of the wall slides back, casting a thin sheen of light on everything. Even though the light is dim it still hurts Via's eyes and she holds up her hand and squints while they adjust.  She creeps towards the new opening, good hand going back to rest on the x-calibre gun she has tucked under her jacket.
Via swallows. Her heart is banging against her rib cage like it's trying to escape and then run away without her. She wouldn't mind really. If she didn't have her heart maybe her blood wouldn't feel so cold, maybe she wouldn't be so scared. Cold sweat starts on the back of her neck and every hair on her arms stands straight up.
Via was trained in handling scary situations. She'd been taught how to repress fear when it comes up, how to use it, or how to make it leave you alone for long enough that you can live. But the last two days have proven that there's a very big difference between knowing how to handle fear and actually being able to tame it.
Via is afraid. She's afraid she's made so many huge mistakes and this is just another one. She's expendable here.
She pulls at her jacket; checking for the white shirt underneath it. Yesterday she'd hated the chancellor white. Now she wishes she could wear all white. White might make her a target, but it also kept her safe. She wants to feel safe now.
The only places she feels safe she can't go to. The only people she feels safe with; the only person, she can't go to.
Via doesn't have any courage to bolster. She doesn't have bravery. She doesn't know if anyone will care if things go the wrong way. They won't care about her as a person at least.
Courage isn't bolstered. No pep talk is given. Via just shuts everything off. Every feeling is cut short. Every fear is set aside for later. She doesn't level her breathing but lets her body do what it thinks it has to do to stay alive. It might know more than her.
Via steps forward and enters the circus.