You Just Don't Get It

2.

Meredith finally got to hold her new son. He was beautiful and perfect in every way possible that she couldn't have possibly imagined.

Staring at him made her feel like all her problems had disappeared.

But she also knew that when she had to put him down she had to deal with what happened.

She knew Cristina was right, she knew she had almost died on that table, but nobody had noticed.

How was she supposed to cope with nothing that isn't so bad to where everyone noticed? If it were so bad, wouldn't somebody have said something?

Derek would have noticed, wouldn't he?

they also needed to think about names, they were too busy to think about names when she was pregnant.

the only time they spoke about baby names was before they went to bed and that usually turned into talk about whether or not their baby was going to be blind.

she was supposed to take a nap almost an hour ago but she couldn't sleep without thinking about what happened in the O.R.

what would have happened to her family if she had died?

would Derek have moved on to someone else quickly after?

would Derek really be upset or would he be relieved?

how long would it have taken him to move on?

would he have still told the kids about her?

would he tell her son that the new woman he's with is his actual mother?

would Derek eventually stop loving her after she died?

would Zola forget about her?

would everyone forget about her?

she leaned back onto the back of the hospital bed and reached next to her for her phone before she opened google and searched up 'boy names'

she didn't want to be one of those people but she didn't have any choice. she would ask Derek for his opinion on names but he was too busy working.

there were a lot more patients since it was only the night after the thunderstorm and there were many people that needed surgery.

Cristina was also too busy to talk to her, everyone was too busy, the only person was able to talk to was Arizona, and that was because she could use it as an excuse to work because she's with a baby and she also wanted to talk about why she slept with another woman to and Callie didn't want to hear any of it.

after scrolling on the internet for a while she still couldn't find anything that suited her son. she put her phone back on the side table.

a few seconds later, the room door slowly opened before gently closing. Arizona turned around and saw that Meredith wasn't asleep like she should have been.

"Meredith! you're supposed to be sleeping by now, you've been up all night and haven't slept since the baby was born!" she groaned as she went around to sit next to her.

"speaking of baby, I still don't know what to name him," she said as she started rubbing her hands harshly.

she wanted to scratch her hand but she knew that would hurt too much and her stomach already hurt enough as is.

"what's going on with your hands? what are you doing?" Arizona asked as she watched Meredith's hands squeeze each other until they turned red.

"Nothing, just nerves I guess," she shrugged.

"but you're not going anywhere or doing anything, what are you nervous about?" she asked.

"I don't know, maybe it's because I don't have a name for the small thing I created," she said pushing off the blanket from her lap.

"Cristina mentioned you have some trauma from the birth, do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"I don't have trauma, I know what trauma is, I have a lot of it and I know that after all that me almost dying from giving birth wouldn't give me trauma," she said, looking back into her lap and fiddling around with her hands.

"I wasn't there for all those times but I was there when you're baby was born and had that been me on that table I would have more than just a bit of trauma," Arizona said. She and Meredith hadn't been the closest in the time that they're known each other, but Arizona still cared a great lot about Meredith, and talking about Meredith's problems made her stop thinking about her marriage having a high risk of ending because of her actions.

"I don't have trauma from giving birth, I hardly even remember giving birth... I just need to get out of this hospital and move on with my life," she said quietly.

"Meredith, even if you do go home and try moving on some part of you left when you died in that room... you were dead for a bit, it may have only been a few minutes but it still happened and if you want to find it you have to deal with what happened and pretending like it didn't happen isn't going to help, it will only bottle up and get worse and then one day when you least expect it you'll explode and you won't even know why... it could be to Derek, or Zola, or even your baby... if you don't deal with this you might start resenting your baby without even knowing why or that you're even doing it... because he is the reason it happened if you didn't have him if you didn't give birth so early this might not have happened," she said.

"I'm not going to resent my son because I almost died-" Meredith cut in. she didn't want to hear any of it because she knew Arizona was wrong, she had to be wrong... because if she wasn't, what did that mean for her?

"and I'm not saying that you will resent him, I'm just saying that it's a possibility and neither of us wants that to happen... you've gone to therapy before, just go again, even if it's just once a week, or once every two weeks, you don't even have to tell anyone, not even Derek," she added.

"Arizona, I don't have a prob-" she said before Arizona cut her off.

"if you're not going to do it for yourself then do it for your kids... do it for Zola, do it for your son... because if you don't deal with your trauma it could affect your life without you even knowing it," she said sympathetically looking up at Meredith.

"Are you trying to say I'm going to be a bad mother because of this?" Meredith asked.

"No, Mer, you know that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm not saying all this because I'm trying to hurt you, I'm saying this because I want don't want this to turn into something worse," she said softly.

"it won't turn into anything," she denied.

"Meredith, you're tired, get some sleep, I'll stay with the baby until you fall asleep and then we can talk again when you wake up, Okay?" she says.

"fine," Meredith shrugged. she was tired and she didn't want to talk about the subject for much longer.