tw // mentioned of self harm.
"happy birthday, to me."
i stared longingly at the red velvet cupcake, topped with colourful but yet still looked dull sprinkles with a sweet;red cherry on top. my eyes were soon glistened with a single lining of tear, i shakily blew my breath as the small fire on the almost worn-out candle dissapeared. i didn't even bother to wipe my wet tears, just letting them fall continuously on my round cheeks.
i am officially twenty by now, and being twenty never felt so burden and pathetic before.
my mother left me by myself at dawn, she must be somewhere working in the city to take care of my needs and wants. the fact that she was not allowing me to help her made me even more guilty, i gained everything through my mother's hard work while i am sitting here at home, doing nothing.
doing absolute nothing but my best to stay alive.
i shifted my gaze to the old scars carved on my wrist, swallowing my bitter saliva slowly. i was already clean for a month, and if you ask me, i am pretty proud of myself. Kai told me it was a huge achievement. i plastered a small smile, remembering small things about Kai do make me forget about my sadness once in a while.
TOK! TOK! TOK!
the door was knocked, and i immediately turned my head towards the source of the sound. not thinking twice, i woke up, slowly approaching the door and twsiting the door's knob. Kai stood there, still with his cheeky grin as he looked into my eyes with a glint of sparkles.
i am honestly, very, embarassed of myself right now.
my unstable physical appearance, to be precise.
i looked like i have not slept in days, my eyebags were visibly showing. my swollen eyes and nose were red due to the crying, and my hair was a mess. i am still in my long cardigan from yesterday, with a white shirt and long pyjama pants on the inside.
"whoa, princess. who made you cry?" he started the conversation, although it sounded playful and not serious, there was a hint of concern in his voice.
"no one."
"happy birthday, Sophia."
"gak ngambung." i replied, and he chuckled.
"im impressed. you learnt a lot in just a week."
now that i think about it, probably the reason why i was a huge wreck for the entire week was because my last meeting with Kai was 7 days ago. the night in which i discovered the word 'cantik', the moment i felt butterflies roaming in my stomach for the very first time in a long time.
its almost seem like my source of happiness came from Kai himself. his own presence brings me joy and comfort, and that made me felt longed to him.
don't know why, but im scared of that. scared of what's coming ahead, unsure of my feelings towards him as my best friend.
"makanya tuh, im trying to distract you by wishing you a sweet, sincere happy birthday, princess." he muttered, smiling.
"and...im about to take you somewhere today."
"where?"
"somewhere only we know."
this could be the end of everything,
so why don't we go,
somewhere only we know?
"look at me," i sighed, averting my gaze to the lousy cardigan of mine. "i looked horrible."
"you don't..?" he gave me a weird look.
"are you serious." i glared at him.
"kapan aku nggak sama kamu?" he said, making me stare at him innocently. not having any idea about what he just murmured.
"im one hundred percent sure. you look fine." he assured, and i scoffed.
"fine doesn't mean i look sane enough to go out like this." i fought back.
"who are you trying to impress, anyway? let's just go." he rolled his eyes, closing the door behind me. my hand was pratically dragged by him, and soon enough, i was outside of my old apartment.
he ran, and i have no choice but just follow.
soon enough, i was laughing along with him.
soon enough, hand in hand, i forgot about every bit of worries that i had, only focusing on the euphoric sensation we're both sharing at the moment.
soon enough, we arrived at a place, the place where he claimed only we both knew amongst all of the humans that live on this beautiful planet. we stopped, looking around at the old;abandoned funfair with wide eyes. a smile took place in his face, while my mouth was open agape.
this place.
this is where i first met Kai, where we first talk, and become best friends. where the universe had brought us together, where i finally discovered the long lost key of my locked cage.
"how did you remember this place.." i asked under my breathe, and he noticed.
"i never forgot." he replied. "how can i when this was where our memories were first created?" Kai mumbled, and i heard him loud and clear.
the butterflies came swirling inside my stomach once again, giving an undescridable feeling to be said and swoony sensation to be faced. Kai is such a direct person. how can he just blurt out what's inside his mind without having a second thought?
"anyway." Kai cleared his throat, snapping me out to reality. "which ride do you want to try first?"
"you're crazy." i chuckled sarcastically.
"funny. you said that too on our last meeting."
"no, i meant it this time. look around, Kai. this place was abandoned. the rides were all rusty and old. we can't basically do anything rather than just watch." i stated, pointing at the ancient park.
"nothing is imposibble. atleast that's what written in the dictionary of my life." he argued, making his way to the Mary-Go-Round as he went to the system board. he looked up, locking eyes with me.
"besides," he pressed the green button, and out of the blue, the funfair was light up with golden lamps and colourful lights. the Mary-Go-Round started to move in circle, along with a pleasing music accompanying the horses that went up and down, slowly and steadily. i gasped.
"i don't come here unprepared." he puts his hand lazily on the board, smirking as he gave me a playful wink.
"this whole funfair is all ours. and be my guest, Sophia. let's enjoy the moment while it last."
"cuma kita. dan dunia yang bakal memerhati dan mencemburui kita berdua."
