Dirty (Seulrene Fanfiction)

Irene's Letter

Irene's Letter:

Seulgi,

I'll admit, I've tried writing this letter at least six different times. This, being my seventh attempt, I'm already tempted to rip it up and start all over again. However, if I allow myself to fret over every single word, I'll never get this damn darn thing written. I don't even know where I should begin or what I should even say to you. Actually, I know exactly what I want to say to you but I just...well, I guess I'll explain that part later. For now, I'll just jump right into how proud of you I am. You're so fucking freaking brave, Seulgi. I hope you know that. Since I met you, you've carried this know-it-all bravado, so smug, like you had the entire world figured out and decided it's worthless, therefore, you treated everything within it as such. Kang Seulgi came to me as a sexual deviant but deep down, I've always known you were so much more. You hid this not only from me and the world but from yourself. That fucking disgusting woman destroyed you...but this letter isn't about her, and neither is your healing journey, it's about you. Only you. I'll try avoiding bringing her up again but...God, it just angers me how an adult woman could take advantage of a young teen's innocence. I've been doing a lot of research on grooming and power dynamics...it's truly horrific how often it occurs. It makes me physically ill. Shoot, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I really didn't want to ruin this letter with any traumatic bullcrap. I'll just jump back to you, to us. Us. You and me. It's so crazy...how far we've come. Our 'relationship' has taken many twists, turns, dips, and jump scares—it's insane! I remember when I first saw you. You were that strange girl who would sit alone in the corner during spare period with her earbuds in, silently staring out the window. You never spoke to anyone. Even then, I found you intriguing. Maybe that's why I decided to speak with you...I'd like to deny that me asking you to join my study group was somewhat of a ruse just to talk to you out of curiosity (I mean, I really do tutor students. A lot of students at our school struggle with their classes. Heck, many of them suffer in silence in fear of being seen as stupid or inferior. If only these things would be taken more seriously by our peers, we could all help each other) but I can't. It wasn't really necessary for me to approach you personally. I easily could have had someone else do it for me. But I couldn't stop myself. I was drawn to you. I resented that curiosity when I realized what you were really after. I still remember what went through my mind. My first thought was that you were some kind of lunatic or just deeply disturbed (same thing?) My second thought was to report you to the school director—and I almost did. Something...stopped me. Mainly because I didn't want anyone to know that I was being harassed, but also...the whole thing had me feeling so...excited. Challenged. You challenged me. But not for power. No, you challenged me to take power...to take control. Until then, I never realized I lacked that. Not with my parents or even with Seungyoon. As amazing as he was when we were together, he would primarily take the reins. It's how I thought it should be. I had to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter...perfect. You liked this part of me, right? Or...did you despise it? Was it both? You were drawn to me because I was so perfect on the surface, yet you wanted to see if I could be something else, something darker...like her right? Is that how she got to you? Did she...pretend to be perfect for you? Is that why you pushed me so hard? You wanted to replicate...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this letter isn't supposed to be about her. Those kinds of discussions should be saved for therapy. I'll move on to the current status of our relationship...what are we? By now, I'm sure we've just established we're friends but I'm sure we both want to be more...my sexuality is a mystery. Yes, I've done research on that too. I must be bisexual if I'm attracted to you, yet I don't think I'm all that into women. I like your body, you turn me on, you make me feel good...but I like those things because it's you—Seulgi the person not Seulgi the woman. Does that make sense? Now that I think about it, I'm not all that attracted to men either. Outside of Seungyoon, I never even cared about boys. With Seungyoon, I was attracted to his genuine nature, his kindheartedness, and his charisma. Being handsome came along with the package. No other boy ever evoked these kinds of feelings from me—I figured he must be my soulmate. But again, I was engrossed in Seungyoon the person, not Seungyoon the man. Does this make me Demisexual? But that can't be since I was sexually attracted to you before we became emotionally involved...ugh! Why does it all have to be so freaking complicated? I should do more research. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this. It's nice to know I'm not in it alone. That's the main thing, right? You're not alone. If I could wake up every day and tell you this, I would. In fact, that's exactly what I plan to do. You are never alone. You have your mother who loves you to death. She was urgent that morning when you stayed over at my place. And when we talked about you leaving, she told me her only wish was to see you get better, for you to be happy. You have your brother, Jaebum, (he really wants me to call him JB for some reason lol) What a goofball that guy is but he'd lay his life down for you. Before you made it seem as if you were some type of burden to him, but that couldn't be far from the truth. You're lucky to have a sibling who loves you as much as he does. I know with him; you'll be in good hands. You have Wendy (I'm not sure what she wrote to you in her letter, she refused to let me read it but I'm sure she wants to be closer to you.) Lastly, you have me. You'll always have me. I mean it, it's not an empty promise. I don't make those. Guess that brings me to what I've been wanting to say to you...and it's certainly not easy to say. It's easy to feel, that's for sure and I can't exactly pinpoint when it happened, but I know it's there...it's...it's so powerful. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm afraid to say it. And I know that when we finally part ways, you'll want to say it to me...and I know already that I won't let you. Because it's not something I'm ready to hear. With Seungyoon, I thought I knew what love was. It was innocent. It was light and wonderful. I walked on clouds with him. He made me feel loved. But how much of that was real? I thought what we had was true love but I cheated on him. With you. Is that what people in love do? If I was okay with doing that, then that false idea of love isn't what I want. With you, Seulgi, it feels different. It feels so much more... With you, it's...real. The way you look at me is real. Even when your mind was contorted, you looked at me like I'm the only girl in the world. That sounds so corny but it's true. And with you, that's how I feel. The way you smile, your laugh, even your pain, the way you hold my hand, how you say my name...Seulgi, I think I'm in love with you...but I'm so afraid that I'm wrong again. We're still so young. Do we even really know what love is? Us teenagers like to throw that word around so much without meaning but I want it to mean something when I say it. 'I love you' isn't just something you say to someone you care a lot for or someone you're super attracted to, wanting to be with all the time. Love is complex. You'd do anything for the one you love, even letting them go halfway around the world when it's fucking killing you inside to see them leave... so yes, I love you, Seulgi. I love you enough to let you go, to let you leave and sort things out mentally with yourself. And I love that you love yourself enough to do that. You have no idea how badly I just wanted to convince you to stay, somehow feed you this dream to get therapy here and stay with me. But I couldn't do that to you. That would have been extremely selfish and unfair. I don't want to be that kind of person for you. Your mental health comes first. I love you...writing this was hard enough so I'm not sure when I'll be able to say it to you out loud. You'll have to be patient with me. Please keep me updated on your therapy sessions—I'm going to be a major pain in the ass about it, you better believe it! Also, I'm going to make sure to look after your mother while you're gone. Also, Jaebum and I exchanged numbers, that way, if we ever get into a fight or something, I'll still have a way to contact you...that's not creepy, is it? Well, even if it is, as your almost girlfriend, I feel like I have a right to do that. Please don't skip any meals. If it were possible, I'd prepare your disgusting breakfasts for you each morning. Therapy is going to be really rough. I'll be experiencing the same thing with my own therapy. My parents have decided to let me come to their marriage counseling with them. That's the first step to our healing as a family. I'll continue to take care of Wendy but I'm sure you two will build your own relationship in time. She told me that she was going to be more open about some things...I hope that brings you two closer. This letter has gotten long enough but I have one last thing to say to you...I'm absolutely fucking terrified of you finding someone else down there. I'm so afraid you'll meet another girl, in a much healthier way than how you met me, and that I'll lose you to her. Regardless, I'll still be there for you. If you fall in love with someone else, fall for her, go love her. It'll hurt like hell, but I don't want to be the kind of person who will stop you from feeling. I guess that shows just how much I love you...I'm willing to let you love someone else. Don't bring this up to me when we're on the phone or text (I'll probably start crying) let's keep this kind of conversation in letters only. Letters are more intimate like that. Until we see each other again.

—Love always, Irene

P.S

I know Wendy made you swear not to let me read her letter but we both know you're going to let me read it anyway. :)

P.S 2.0

I love you.