< 13th august >
dear diary,
i've been finding myself being lonelier than ever. i am being the invisible winter mist i have always aimed for and everywhere i go i linger like an insufferable ghost of someone you miss, which makes sense since i carry so many of them myself. this void in my chest has been aching and becoming stronger than ever. i think it may beat me someday. i went to an mun a few days ago and very surpsingly won. not a boring third position or a simple participation certificate but actual best delegate from my category — the first position with a trophy and cash prize that i've never ever won before.
it's not like i haven't been trying. i constantly keep pushing buttons in my head to send supposedly assuring happiness to myself. "yes you're happy, yes you deserve this, no it wasn't a fluke, no you did not have an advantage, yes you did the right thing not talking to people" but it has all been incredibly hard. i'm actually not happy at all even now. i feel like a lonely star in a distant sky with no observers, nobody to point out its "dimly light"
this competion actually served as an eye opener to me, or as a reminder you might say. everywhere i go other people will be in groups, in love with something or the other, life, friendship, people or a person but i will just be the watcher. wherever i go, i will wrap that misery and sadness around me like an armor blanket or as it were blood bound to me, which it might just be. i will stand alone in the corner when the dj plays and fly out the room alone, watching my so-called friends who were cheering for me seconds ago dance without hearing a single rustle of my anxious breath against that stagnant mask. the girl i've known since years before these people will pretend to forget my name; my hypothetical kin, the nonbinary bisexual would prefer loosing themselves in dance and pretend,
and for the bully who played his part in ruining my life, forgot about it all and now pretends we're actual close friends, i will feel so lonely that i will actually consider talking to him for the sake of finding familiar faces, specifically ones i can trace back to the time i lived even if five or something years had to be ommited for it but the curse of knowing will hold me back again and i'll end up realising that i am no better than the dj's music. i am loud and violent and boring and basic but also good at entertaing people, being that fake energy that drains out of them quicker than the life out of a smoker. i am coming undone to myself and running in circles of epiphany about being so forlorn and outcasted that i will never fit anywhere. that is nothing but the bitter truth.
deliriously,
pretend friend
YOU ARE READING
open scarlet letters
Non-Fiction"we're so young but we're on the road to ruin, we play dumb but we exactly what we're doing we show off, our different scarlet letters" (new romantics, taylor swift) the chronicles of a not very stable person recorded through diary entries. a new a...
