< 22 October >
dear diary,
i don't remember the last time i felt this seen for me, not for any masked me but plain old monotonous me. i also don't remember anybody so much more cooler and educated than me constantly appreciating me and lowering themselves to stand on equal ground with this small little old fragile soul of mine. it's so funny how the last time i went to an mun my diary for that day was filled with loneliness and the dark cloud on it even though that was when i won a first prize for the first time in my life and today, when i've lost and am coping with a verbal mention, i feel truly happy.
ah the joy of being seen. i have always been addicted to that drug so much i ended up blowing holes in my nostrils. inhaling, inhaling, inhaling, i never want to exhale. the last time this happened, my life, my reputation and my own being went down with it.
the truth is that i have fallen in love, but this is not the romantic type of love. this is the respectful "i either want you to be my only teacher or to be my best friend" kind of love. only knowing them two days, i have become absolutely smitten, enamored by that person. that real radiant delight on their face when i said my name. the way they exclaimed, "oh so you're her! you write really really well." their manner of explaining even the dumbest questions with a smile and talking about murder in a dazai cosplay type outfit.
they appreciated me so so many times today and this is the first person i've met anyone who understood every word i wrote and recognized my wasted potential without asking any irrelevant questions as to why i write like i do. they didn't cut off my lines, shorten my work, or forget to give me any credit at all. they saw m e . this will surely be absurd to anyone normal but when you spend your whole life trying to become a ghost or wind of a person that just passes by screaming unnoticed and someone finally hears you, you pause and gasp and cry and scream on top of your lungs because the outsider that saw you will now leave.
i didn't want these two days to be over this soon. now ik that i am irrelevant to them and they should be irrelevant to me. just a few more texts, bland thank yous and such and it will all be over. this person who saw me, who i've learned to adore in the past two days will be an old whatsapp number. nothing less, nothing more. perhaps if i were more confident like my classmates i could ask them to be my teacher or best friend and transfer to me every piece of knowledge that they possess, while i could also continue being seen.
i wish i were built that way,
tragically,
your enthralled friend
YOU ARE READING
open scarlet letters
Non-Fiction"we're so young but we're on the road to ruin, we play dumb but we exactly what we're doing we show off, our different scarlet letters" (new romantics, taylor swift) the chronicles of a not very stable person recorded through diary entries. a new a...
