Project You

Chapter 44

Being in love is crazy.

I've read poems about love. So many, and none felt like this. Every poem i'd read poem spoke about love as if it was the cure, like it was the gateway to human salvation.

Maybe it was. But if I had to describe love, it would be mostly confusing, especially first love, because it felt like everything and more all at once and it was exactly what I said it felt like, mostly confusing.

It felt like every possible emotion imaginable came together and had a baby and looked at it and thought this would be perfect to depict affection between two people who didn't want to be without each other.

Love was raw. Love was scary. Love was, kind of lovely too.

But love was also fucking unbearable.

It made us do stupid things, like ignore the person we were so desperately in love with for a day just because we had no idea how to tell them we loved them but we knew we had to because its all we could think about when we looked at them.

Karsen made me a mad person.

I laid in the middle of my bed, hands on my stomach, and I stare up at the roof as I thought about it. Could I slip it in a text? Maybe over a call?

'Oh yeah bye love you!' OR 'Anyways gotta go love you.'

Because I know for a fact that in any other way, he'd stop me, and look at me in utter shock and I don't think i'm ready to see his reaction to me telling him I'm so unbelievably in love with him that it scares me and partially nauseates me.

But also, part of me wonders why he hasn't said it. Did he love me? He spoke to me like he loved me, he spoke about me like he loved me, and his actions told me he could possibly be in love with me too.

So why hasn't he said it?

My phone vibrates from the bed side table next to me, and it had vibrated a bunch of times before this but I haven't taken an interest in it till now because it was the fifth text in a row.

I sigh heavily, but before I can reach out for the phone, theres a knock on my door, and I get to my elbows, looking up to see my mother, at my door.

I blink, watching as she looks around my room, probably because she hasn't been in here in weeks and i've moved a few things in here, so it looked partially different.

I don't talk first. But thats not anything new. So she speaks instead.

"Your friend, Summer, is at the door, she said you guys have plans to go to a football game?" She says it a little bit like a question, an intrusive question. "I could've sworn you never watched football a day in your life." Her words are hidden with tones of humor but it doesn't make me chuckle.

I clear my throat before I reply, getting up from my bed, grabbing a jacket because it was a little chilly out, "Its my boyfriends game."

"Karsen plays football?"

I nod, and even though my back is to her as I put my earrings on, I know she's looking at me.

"Does he want to pursue it?" Why was she acting all concerned all of a sudden?

"Complicated." Is all I say.

She huffs from behind me, and I turn around, getting my phone from the bed side table, about to walk out the door when she stops me in the doorway and I look to her.

"We need to talk when you come home bambina."

"Non ci parliamo da settimane." I snap.

She sighs, "That is why I want to speak to you now."