Boys Feel Sad Too - A BokuAkaKuroKen College AU

[Chapter Ten]

Later that night, after I was feeling a bit better from being hungover, I started on my English paper.

Well, I say 'start' but I played video games until I came up with a decent title for the damn thing. Well, that and I like procrastinating.

Soon enough, the title came to me…

Boys feel sad too

From there, writing it wasn't very hard. I honestly just poured my feelings down onto paper. Will I get bullied after I present this? Probably. If I'm being honest though, I can't be the only one. I can't be the only one who was taught that these feelings aren't okay. I guarantee at least one other guy in my class of 50 has this issue.

××××

As I was writing, intrusive thoughts just kept hitting me, one right after the other.

Useless

Worthless

Waste of time

Waste of space

Not good enough.

Why are you even trying?

I honestly started crying. How am I going to present this if I'm crying while writing the damn thing?

Pathetic

Cut

You'll never amount to anything.

I tore my room apart looking for my knife, but I couldn't find it. Akaashi probably snatched it on his way out last night. Fucking hell.

I picked up my phone and texted Kuroo, texting him that I needed him. He was there within a minute or two.

"What's wrong?" He came in to see me sitting on my floor crying. He said down next to me and held my hand.

"Writing that stupid paper. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. All it's doing is pulling out intrusive thoughts."

"If you need to pick a different topic, then do it. Don't force yourself to write this when it's not going well."

"I want to write it though…just…"

"I know. Come here." He said. I scooted closer and was pulled into a tight hug and got some forehead kisses.

"I wanna cut."

"Do you have anything in here that you can use?" He asked.

"I don't think so. I think Akaashi took my knife last night. I don't think there's anything else I could use."

"Good." He just hugged me tighter. I knew he hated seeing me like this.

Back in junior high he was the same. I could physically see how upset he was when he found out I was cutting. The way he explained it back then was he hated seeing his best friend hurting to the point that they felt like they needed to hurt themself. He was scared it'd escalate further and I'd try and off myself. He did wrist checks every week or so for like 2 years.

I gotta admit though, I'm thankful for it.

I'm thankful for him, Akaashi, Bokuto. How much they care. I'd never be here without them. I'd never have made it this far.

"Will you sit with me while I finish writing?" I asked.

"Mmhm, I'll be here." He smiled.

"Thank you." I hugged him for a few more moments before pulling a bean bag up next to my desk and then sitting down to continue writing.

××××

I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry more while writing it. I cried through most of it.

I let Kuroo read it when I was finished and he thought it was amazing. He was excited to see the grade I was going to get on it. He also did my editing for me, cleaning up some spelling and grammar mistakes here and there.

As I was shutting my computer down we heard my door open.

"Dinners ready, we ordered pizza." Akaashi came in.

"Perfect, I'm starving." I said. I headed out to the kitchen and grabbed 2 clocks of pineapple pizza from one of the boxes.

"Looks like you're definitely feeling better." Bokuto smiled.

"Yeah, still kinda meh, but I don't feel like puking so I'm gonna say it's a win."

"Good. How's the English assignment going?"

"Oh, I finished. Kuroo edited it for me."

"Kuroo got to read it before me, what the hell?" Bokuto laughed a bit.

"He was in there when I was writing it, so it made sense. I already shared the doc with you and Kaashi though." I said as I took a bug bite of my pizza. He immediately pulled out his phone to find the shared document so he could read it.

He sat there quietly eating pizza as he read through the document. I was watching him as he read, trying to find some sort of expression on his face to tell me what he was thinking. I wasn't getting anything though.

When he finished he got up and hugged me.

"I'm so proud of you, Kenma."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. That paper was amazing. I'm positive you're gonna get an A on it."

"I hope so. I need something to boost my grade." I laughed a little.

After dinner we made our way to the living room to watch some movies. I eventually fell asleep on the couch cuddling Kuroo. 

~Word Count~
~839~