i used to be so confused, why this feeling wouldn't leave me
why i couldn't get you, what happened with you, out my head
it felt like you were burned into my soul, and it was so confusing because nothing even happened between us
i'm less confused now. i'm more certain. maybe i've finally figured it all out.
because here's the thing. in my head, we never grew apart. you never broke my heart. and i couldn't get that version of you out of my head. i felt like i was going insane, like i loved someone who didn't exist and never had.
all my friends kept telling me that you weren't like that. they didn't get it when i tried to explain how i saw you. hell, i believed it. i thought that the person i always thought you could be was just my imagination. that you didn't exist.
and then, because you consistently ruin my life, i guess, you showed up. you showed up, and you were how i thought you were. you existed, and you were there, there for me in a way that nobody else was. i had finally gotten my friend back, i thought, after trying to forget that you were even real. you were everything i thought you would turn out to be. i was secretly so fucking proud of you, and secretly, so fucking glad that i wasn't actually insane.
and then you tried to erase it all. you go back and rewrite the whole story to fit this persona you've been building since 9th grade, this smokescreen. no, we were never friends to begin with, it was just politeness and pity back then. no, i didn't want to be there for you this winter- i don't do empathy, remember? no, i won't let the past die, because we're nothing more than the version of us from 9 years ago. no, i won't stop being mean to you, that's how you know you're a real friend. no, i can't be friends with someone without making it a joke, making them a joke, because all of this is just a big fucking joke to me. and when you stop laughing along, when you stop being funny, i'll erase your existence from my life, too.
well, i'm done laughing. but i'm also done with you telling me i'm crazy and me believing you. i was young, but i knew what i was talking about. i know that there's another version of you. but i won't stick around to watch you bury it. erase me from your story. i've got my own book to write, and not in pencil this time. in ink.
haunt me. i'm okay with that. that's how i know you're dead.
