attraversiamo
let's cross over.
for almost 10 years, i've wanted to cross over, to where no one is able to follow and no one knows to try. for almost 10 years, my mind has told me, let's cross over. let's be free of all this pain.
for almost 10 years, the only thing that kept me here was the promise of love. of my perfect match, my happily ever after, my reason. for almost 10 years, the world was a puzzle i had to solve, so i could finally find where i fit. all the sharp edges digging into my soul was how i knew i was getting closer, right?
and so i made love my compass, made my friends my constellations, made my life about improving theirs. i loved with everything i had and everything i was. maybe i was making up for how different i felt, how fundamentally a mistake i felt. i would give my loves the world, to make up for being in it.
and i would lose my loves, but hope never escaped me, because i would lose them before ever having them in the first place. so i kept moving forward, knowing that someday i'd find someone to be in love with, together. and when i found the person that the universe had waiting for me, it'd all make sense. we'd build our fate together, and we wouldn't let it go.
until i found love, and had it, and then watched it all walk away. my best love. nearly three years.
then i found a way to keep going. someone who brought me back to life. and then they walked away too.
attraversiamo. if there's no way left to stay, no piece left to fit you into a puzzle, maybe you need to find a different picture. if life has no place for me, no one to break my fall, is there a reason to stay in it?
it's funny how time doesn't flow, but drips and catches and speeds up and slows down. it's been a long year, the longest of my life, and it's almost over. it's funny, how change builds. all of me changed, this year. it's funny, how love is everything, until it isn't.
one thing is certain. love will always find its way back home. it's in fingers interwined over the center console. it's in fistbumps and highfives and picking up as soon as i call. it's in hands drumming out a beat on the steering wheel to accompany my singing. it's everywhere. it's hard to see sometimes.
but maybe, i don't have to wait for it anymore. maybe, i don't need to. it's been a long year, and i've survived so many things that i thought i never could. it's been a long year, and i'm tired of just surviving.
one thing is certain. i'm done living for the hope of it all. i'm done living for the promise of a love that won't leave. life comes in seasons, and love comes and goes with it. i can't live for anyone but myself. if i don't fit in the puzzle, does my piece still matter? even if i never fit in this puzzle? can i mean something, just me?
i'm ready to find out.
