Things Fall

The Decline-(2)

I'm gonna be honest, my mental health hasn't been the greatest since the start. The start being the start of my life, at least when I could tell myself that I wasn't mentally ok.

I couldn't self diagnose when I was six so that wasn't the start, neither was seven or eight, nine was the golden year. I finally self diagnosed myself with depression and a little anxiety, only to later figure out it was mainly social anxiety.

Of course I have "normal" anxiety too but it's not as bad as my social anxiety. It feels like I can't move, I'm petrified, terrified, of people looking at me, judging me. Being a girl, you don't have a lot of options, you're either a slut or a slob, or maybe you're a pick-me, or too secretive, hidden.

People don't realize that the reason why we're secretive or hidden, why we hide our emotions, is because we don't don't trust you with them, we think you'll either tell others or just not care so we think "Why tell them, they're not even gonna care or listen." People don't realize that we don't tell them because we know that even if we do, it isn't gonna help, and we know that they wont understand, so again, what's the point.

We being everybody struggling with mental illnesses and what have you.

A common misconception about people with depression is that we are always sad, while that can be true, it also isn't, we can enjoy ourselves and we can be happy. When we aren't, a lot of the times, we just feel empty, and alone, and dead inside, meaning we're just done with life, done with everything, you just don't care anymore.

You don't care about what will happen, you don't care about what people do or think about you. And by this point, things have gotten so bad that most of the time, these people end their lives, they just couldn't stand it anymore.

I was close, close to that point, it all started plummeting since I realized that Jake gave me PTSD.

He was so abusive and manipulative and honestly scary sometimes.

I have flashbacks, of the worst times that something happened.

I realized I had PTSD a month after we broke contact. We broke up a month before we broke contact, so it took me a month to get myself together and over him, and to get back into my better life, the life I had before Jake.

Although, when I realized I had PTSD I isolated myself, and that just made everything worse, because I felt so alone and people had a very hard time reaching me, so they couldn't really check up on me and make sure I didn't kill myself.

I tried once, I got so bad that I OD'd on my anxiety medicine and Cass tried to call me, but of course I didn't answer so she immediately assumed the worse and rushed over.

She used her extra key and found me in my bed, my pulse was faint and she called 911.

I was then put in rehab for a month.

After that, I vowed to pull myself together. And I did.

That was 2 weeks after I realized I had PTSD, so it's been 4 and half months since I tried.

I'd say that time in my life was a lesson, because it brought me to the realization that in order to survive, you shouldn't push those close to you away. So far, I've lived by that and pretty well too.

That time in my life is what I would describe as a decline, The Decline, as Cassidy calls it.

If Cassidy wasn't so worried about me and she didn't check on me, I would've been gone now, which isn't something I want, at least not now, I have so much of my life ahead of me.

Oh Cassidy, Cassidy Maxton, I owe her my life, I mean she saved it so, why not offer it.

There are so many things I have given her and so many things she has given me, like the chance with someone, someone I love, someone I can't live without.

He's my hero too, he has been there for me and I am there for him, I love him, and he loves me. I can't wait for our future together, let's hope I don't fuck it up.