Things Fall

What Has Fallen Can Fly Again-(5)

I want to cry but I can't, my body won't let me. 

I need to cry but it won't let me.

I was just yelled at and I don't like being yelled at. I have PTSD from my father yelling at me and he just made it worse.

I was holding him in my arms after he yelled at me and I couldn't bear a tear. He was yelling at me because I didn't want to do anything with him. 

We were at my house, alone, and he made a move on me, trying to seduce me, and I'm not in the mood so I told him. Then Jake yelled.

"Why! What's wrong with you! You're never in the mood anymore, I'm so confused. Did I do something wrong?!"

"No, stop yelling, you know I don't like that, I'm just not in the mood right now, I want to eat my lunch." I replied as calmly as possible. 

"Babe, I'm sorry,  it's okay, I'm sorry I just, feel so deprived of it. I'm sorry, I just, I miss her." He said coming closer to me and holding my arms in his hands.

I looked up in his eyes, his beautiful green eyes, and tilted my head a little and asked, "Her?"

"Your womanhood, your flower, 'her'." Jake said, pointing down subtly.

I shook my head pulling him in for a hug and I was chuckling, trying to block out the sensation to cry. But even if I wanted to, I couldn't, not even a singular tear could escape while I held him in my arms and he held me. 

I wanted to cry and I also didn't want to. I was annoyed at myself after a few seconds so I decided to let go of him and walk to the fridge. I opened it and asked if he wanted anything to eat.

Jake replied, "You." I didn't turn around when he said this because I could feel his presence right behind me, and I didn't want to hit him if I turned.

I flinched as he grabbed my waist from behind and laid his head on my shoulder, moving my hair out of the way so he could kiss my neck. 

I breathed heavily as Jake licked around my neck, covering it in a thin layer of his hot saliva. I shivered at the sensation and bent my head down trying a little to wriggle out of his grip. It was tight, it's like he was holding on for dear life. 

He was hurting me so I winced aloud and he tightened his grip even more. By this point, I was sure there would be a small bruise or at least a little red.

"Jacob, you're really hurting me. Please let me go." I said in a small voice.

He didn't.

"Jacob." I said again, louder, putting my arms down to his and trying to pry him off.

He breathed heavily in my ear as he slid his arms up and grabbed my chest. I tried to pry him off my chest because now he was squeezing and he was hurting me.

I slid my hand up along with his and put my hand over my shoulder then slapped him, hard across the face.

He backed up, letting go of me and I ran to the other side of the kitchen, as far as I could, away from him.

Then I lost a tear, and I wiped it from my cheek instantly, he doesn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry, baby, please, I told you, I miss her. I'm sorry, I'm so sor-" Jake started like he always does. This is annoying now, he just doesn't understand that 'sorries' don't always fix things.

"Stop," I cut him off. "Sorry, won't fix what you just did to me! You were so forceful, don't you understand. I've had enough of you!" Shit, that was harsh. Fuck it!

He was manipulating me. All these months, I can't believe I even let him. But I did. And now there's no turning back, but there is a future for me, a future without him, and I have to make that clear to him.

"Let me guess. You think that whatever you do, no matter what it is, no matter how hurtful, or manipulative or disrespectful it is, you can just say sorry, and you think that'll make up for it." I paused and took a breath. 

Staring into his eyes was hard, they were an intense green, but it was also hard because they were mesmerizing. They were golden green.

"Baby, that's just not how things work." I said mockingly.

I said this slowly, so he could understand for once, "Actions. Speak louder. Than words."

He looked down, thinking about what to do.

I looked down also thinking about what he would be thinking about. 

I heard his footsteps get closer and I saw his feet so I looked up and he opened his arms for a hug.

I backed up a little more and put my hands up to my chest, denying the hug. He shook his head, "You said actions speak louder, so here's my action. This is my apology hug, what's wrong."

"I accept your apology but I don't want a hug. And I'm breaking up with you." I said. "Just to make that clear." 

"Just to make it clear?! Are you kidding me! Of course you're breaking up with me, because no one loves me and I don't love me either. I was so stupid to think that I could have you." He walked away from me and into the living room. While he was walking he was hitting his forehead with his fist saying, "Stupid, stupid stupid stupid. STUPID!" He sat down on the couch and started crying. 

"Stop. STOP! This is exactly why I'm done with you. You're such a manipulator! You're trying to make me feel bad for you so you don't lose me, even though all you do is just fucking use me as a piece of jewelry. And I'm done with it, I'm done with you. You're so delusional." I screamed.

He stood up and looked me in my eyes, I was starting to tear up so I looked down at my feet and I pointed to the door. "OUT!!" 

Jake walked over to the door and I went into the kitchen to grab his keys. I finally lost a tear.

I walked back into the living room to Jake leaning against the door waiting for me, and wiping his tears from his cheeks. I shoved his keys to his chest and he smirked an evil smirk as he opened the door.

"Yeah, I wore you like a beautiful piece of jewelry." Jake said as I closed the door. I yanked it back open but he was already starting his car. I slammed it and ran up to my room.

I grabbed my red towel and a kleenex and my ren knife, I couldn't last any longer. I stopped after awhile with Jake but now, it all came rushing to me and I had to.

I sat on my towel and did 3, 1 more than I'm used to, but it was good, it was better than just 2. I had too much on my plate from what just happened.

Right when I finished cleaning up I heard the front door open. I put a hoodie on and rushed downstairs to find my mom with grocery bags in her hands.

"Hey baby, could you help with the groceries?" She asked.

I nodded and headed out the door, I needed to tell her about Jake, but I helped with the groceries first and I said, "Mom, I need to tell you something." 

She nodded quickly while putting her phone down. We made eye contact and I couldn't help but tear up. 

"Oh, honey, what's wrong?" She asked as she walked towards me pulling me in for a hug.

"Me and Jake broke up." I sobbed in her chest.