Who is he?

The moment of truth

It became harder for me to see him. I noticed that he is not making that much of an effort anymore. But still I tried. I was the one filling in what he can't do. Then one day, I went to his place right after school but not straight to his house as I couldn't anymore. What I did was I called him up to say that I am at our friend's pc shop and will be waiting for him. His brother answered the phone and said Mike is still sleeping. Feeling pissed off, I asked his brother to wake him up.

He did. He meet me up. He's not saying anything. We're just there. And I know in this moment something will happen, someone will be making a decision. He went to his house again and said that he will be back. While he is away, I started to write a letter about breaking up with him. Things that I can't say personally, I do it in letter. I don't have the guts to say it in his face. He caught me writing when he came back. He asked what was I doing, I said nothing.

We go to watch his friends playing basketball. We were ok. We are talking. But you will notice a difference. After the game, we stayed infront of their neighbor's store. A few minutes of silence then he asked 'What if one of us fell out of love?'. I am not an idiot. Why would you ask such a thing if you don't want to break up with me. Then I asked 'Why? Are you falling out of love already?'. He answered 'It was just a question'. 'You will not be asking this question if you don't mean anything' I said. Then I asked, 'Do you want to end this?'. And he nod. Then I feel like being spilled over an ice cold water naked. I said 'Okay, let's end this while you still love me. I don't want to go on and later you will tell me that you don't love me anymore'. Then he left. I returned everything that he gave me and he did the same. That moment, I was in the stage of denial. I want to convince myself that this will pass. That after few days we will be able to fix this and be back together like we usually do. That I just need to give him time to think, to realize something.

That night I went and drink. Drink till become drunk. I called him up and ask him to go to my house, then we made love. Thinking that if we would do this, he'll get back with me. But that didn't help, at all. Days, weeks and months pass, still the same. We are still not back together. He is not texting or calling me. Nothing. Then I suddenly felt scared, this is it. After all the on and offs, ups and downs, it will just end like this.

I hoped, I prayed, I wish that we can sort this out and somehow make it work. I apologised for all the things I did unintentionally. And there I was, running after him when I swore I wouldn't do.

I still hoped and prayed eventhough I know that this time it's really over. I was ready to throw my life back then. I was attempting suicide hoping that it could ease the pain. I have cut my wrist few times, that left me scars today. My friends keeps on telling me to move on and just find another guy. My drinking habit became worse. I do it almost everyday. I don't go home until I became drunk. I was dipping my head into a pale of water just to feel sober. Keeping my breath hoping that I will suddenly die. I was begging God to take me. Worse, I did a one night stand with his friend thinking that I will hurt him the same way as he hurt me.

I was so useless that time that I don't function anymore. I quit school again. I find a job and still drink. I couldn't sleep but when I sleep, I don't want to wake up anymore. As I don't want to feel the pain.

Months after we broke up, we started seeing eachother again. But as friends. Special friends. I thought, I will do everything to win him back. I became submissive and I do what he asks. I complain less and I let him do what he wants to do. Somehow it works, the only thing is, he's not asking me back. Though he will have girlfriends, he would still see me. This made me his FUBU (Fuck Buddy). It hurts when my friends call me this but what can I do, I still love him.

This went on for 7 long years. Yes, this long.

Because of my drinking habit, I met new faces. I was able to go to new places. One of them is MJ. 20 yrs old back then and I was 27.