No Escape from Ultra Deluxe

Something New

-Please adjust the slider until the computer is barely visible.-

Right, sliders. You adjust it and press confirm.

-Please adjust the slider until the dog and the cat are friends.-

You adjust the slider and click confirm.

-Please adjust the slider until the number 5 becomes the number 9.-

You adjust the slider, a little thrown off when you realize it wasn't just numbers. You click confirm.

-Please adjust the slider until you stop adjusting the slider.-

You fiddle with the pointless slider for a bit before clicking confirm.

-Which of the two made up words is most appealing to you: Occuboinkal or Scrumtush?-

You pick your favorite on the slider and click confirm.

-Please don't adjust the slider.-

You click confirm.

-Do you know what time it is right now (Y/N)?-

You're a little taken aback by it using your name. You glance over at the clock. Could you really trust the clocks in this place? You click your answer.

-Is the time that it is right now the correct time?-

You click an answer.

-What is time, anyway?-

You're confused when you realize yes and no are the only options. You pick one.

-Is there anything about yourself that you haven't told me?-

You choose an answer.

-Help.-

You click yes.

-Will you come back to visit me?-

"I don't know how to do that, really but I'll try." You click yes.

The room jumps to life and The Narrator starts talking immediately, "Oh (Y/N)! How exciting was that!" He says, "Something entirely new and different."

"There was a lot of just going up and down the elevator." You say.

"Yes but we've never been able to do that before!" He says, "(Y/N), I am so excited for what you'll discover next. Who knows what new adventures await us!"

"Well I suppose I should step out of the office and find out." You say.

"That's a brilliant idea!" You step out of your office. "Oh who knows where we should go next? The mind control facility? The storage room with all the boxes? The red and blue door?" The Narrator says as you walk forward, a bounce in your step.

You stop when you get just past room 417. There's a new room, with an open door. It says 'New Content' on it.

"Well that is certainly different." The Narrator says. "I wonder what kind of new content we'll get."

You step onto a platform and it begins to move.

"Hello, and thank you for playing The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe!" A voice you didn't recognize says. "As you may know, The Stanley Parable was a video game released in 2013 on home computers. After receiving critical and commercial success, it was expanded upon in 2022 with The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe a reimagining of the game for consoles and home computers. The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe features exciting new content that broadens and expands the world of The Stanley Parable delighting audiences the world over! Please step inside and see what thrilling new adventures await in The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe."

"So it's like a sequel?" You ask.

"More of a DLC, I think. Either way, this sounds delightful!" The Narrator says, "I’m very excited to see the thrilling new Ultra Deluxe content."

You step into a rickety looking elevator, "Well... This looks pleasant."

"Okay, so far it’s an elevator. Nothing special yet. But I’m sure it’s just the beginning of a mesmerizing adventure." There's a slight pause. "Um. Is it broken? What’s going on here? Should we -  should we be moving somewhere, or…"

"This is exciting." You say sarcastically.

"Oh, here we go! Alright, finally. At long last, it’s on to new content! I’ve never been more ready, let’s do it!" There's a long moment of the elevator still going up, "I have to say, initial impressions of Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe… Mostly tedious. Feels more like an elevator simulator than The Stanley Parable."

"In all fairness you were just highly entertained by me going up and down and elevator a little bit ago." You point out.

"Yes well that was-" The elevator stops. "Oh, okay. Let’s see the content! Gimme the content!"

You walk forward until you come to a red circle. "Jump circle?" You read aloud.

"Is that it?" The Narrator asks as you jump a few times, "Surely there's more to this than a jump circle!"

"Well there might be some stuff over there." You say, walking out of the jump circle.

"Yes another elevator, how exciting. You know (Y/N) my impressions of this game so far are not positive. It’s just elevators and jumping. Is this what passes for 'exciting new content'? If this is new content then I could just read you the whole dictionary! There’s 20 hours of new content right there! Hell, I could count to 30 trillion, you could put that on the box! The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe, now with over a thousand hours of new content! And ev-" The elevator stops.

"Look! More stuff!" You say, like you're redirecting a toddler.

"Oh. Very good." The Narrator says, "Yes. I knew there had to be something else. Let’s see it. I’m ready for whatever it is."

You enter a room with only a sign that says 'thank you for enjoying the new content'. "Well that's disappointing." You say.

"That’s it?! Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! You see, (Y/N)? This is what happens when greedy video game developers with no respect for their fanbase rush a cheap expansion to market for no reason other than to make an easy dollar!" The Narrator says, "You going up and down the elevator was more ingenuitive than this! And don’t get me started on the level of craftsmanship that’s gone into it. In fact, I’m looking right now at the game’s achievements and it’s hard to believe one of them actually says 'Test achievement please ignore!'"

"There's achievements?" You ask.

"What quality assurance department signed off on this? I’m infuriated and I’m offended, and I - I intend to find these people on Twitter and hold them personally accountable. What have they done to my game (Y/N)!" There's a pause and The Narrator sighs "It’s my fault. I built up too much anticipation around the new content, I’m afraid. It could never have lived up to such expectations. If you’re still with me, why don’t we just reset the game and we’ll try to get back to what The Stanley Parable is really about. No frills. No gimmicks. Just you and me having a great time together like always. What do you say, friend?"

"Who's to say we can't make our own new content anyway?" You ask.

"Exactly!"

(1124 words)