Short Story

Mistakes, lessons, karma.

  ⚠️Trigger warning⚠️
This chapter contains the following,
-suicide
-self harm
-addiction
-mentions of abuse
If you, yourself, are struggling with any of the above, please know you are not alone. I wrote this to share intrusive thoughts. For those that struggle and feel isolated and invalidated.

  I could be good. I lived my life to be good. I was taught to follow rules..have fun, don't destroy yourself. I tried complaining less. Just get through my days as a teen. I was also taught how to live around addicts.

  It's not something I talk about a whole lot. In detail. It became a normal thing in my life. I knew of the do's, the dont's...the signs.

  I wonder why....when everyone else...can escape....why I can't...why can't I...escape? Get addicted to opiates and alcohol? Drown in it. Loose myself. Addiction kills people, and here I am....wanting it..craving it.

  I lived my life right. I didn't engage in fights. School drama I told the truth, left it at that...and didn't engage in it more. I was made out to be the uncivil one.
  Adult drama...said the truth, left it at that. I want no part of it. None. It's borish. Its consuming for all the wrong reasons. It's draining trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist.

  I find it hard. Opening up. Talking about things people tend not to care about. Being vulnerable. Foilsick- feeling ashamed of sharing to much. It's a disgusting feeling. I still, for some reason....try.

  Why do u try? Why? Like seriously...why.........

  I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I'm told numerous times in numerous ways...I'm cared about and in the same sentence. I'm not needed, I'm not wanted.....why do I try?

  Why can't I drown in a bottle. Opiates, drugs. Why can't I ruin my life and end it. One day...they will leave me. I don't blame them but I never know why. I don't know. My brain is a plague and I need a cure. It's a shit post. Staying up till 4 am. Thinking of writing a will because when I inevitably, self destruct. I'll leave behind many great things.

  I feel so guilty about it. Wanting to pass on. Feeling selfish....feeling like a burden. It's all I'll ever be anyway...but I guess I'm more of a burden dead.

  Maybe not...maybe that's part of what I tell myself to keep me here. Make my friends and family feel better about my suicidal thoughts that are left unchecked and neglected.

  Because why would it be addressed? Why not burry it behind 'your fine, you have people, you have this and that'
  Others...have it worse than me....right?....right. I'm immature...for posting these to family and friends...because people don't need to know. I begged for help. Only to be shut down.
  There was a specific night. I was...harmed, for lack of better words. Left me with nightmares for half a year. It's all kinda....coming back...but putting other people in the abusers place. Making scenerioes that haven't even actually happened and living it as if it where real.

  It's crazy how easy it is for people to love me....and totally obliterate everything I've built for myself. I don't have much to show for it either. If there where to be a movie based on how I felt....the title would be Lonely.

  It'd be about a person, who's, whole life...had people choose others over her. It happens. She coped well in the beginning realizing it's just how it's going to be. Wishing for something else...jus...wouldn't be possible..and would continue to be pointless.
  A pathetic shit post...don't think I'm not trying...to better myself. To some degree. I'm doing what I can with what I got.

  I promise I am trying.
Like really trying....and I'd still be shocked I wouldn't be chosen. I want to love people how I want to be loved. Give my all for people who don't even...want it.