Too lazy to get a girlfriend ENG

7. I can't help myself

I was woken up by the alarm on my mobile phone and I opened my eyes in a sweat. It was just a dream, it was just a dream, I kept repeating to myself. My God, such a beautiful dream and yet just thinking about it made my heart ache. But I didn't like the ending at all. Where did my head come up with such a concept? If dreams depict our greatest secret desires, is this what I really desire? But it doesn't have to depict only desires, but also fears and anxieties, the biggest we have. The ending was not pretty and it was clear to me that this was exactly what I feared most of all.

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I didn't concentrate on anything at school. I didn't care about bad grades, my thoughts were elsewhere. In my dream, in my wonderful dream, but with a bit of a drastic ending at the end. I asked myself questions that weighed on me like a stone and that I could not answer. Is Joel really like this? Is it good for him if he can use his female fans to his advantage, who will give him what he says? Who will simply willingly hold, no matter how he behaves towards them? Does he sleep with someone else every time and then replace her with another, newer piece without batting an eye? No, no. I don't believe it, it's just a stupid dream, it's not real and it's just a figment of my overactive imagination. Plus, if I wanted to, my imagination could conjure up a different ending. Despite the fact that he could have given me a phone number or at least ended it with dignity towards me as a woman, somehow I knew the answer to why it wasn't. Somewhere deep in my soul, I knew that this is just how a rock star's life goes. He doesn't give out his phone numbers on dates and he won't confess his love to his female fans as a romance. After all, it is much easier to get what he wants without having to commit to something deeper. Besides, who will believe young girls who will do almost anything for his attention? Leni, accept that this is the tribute to the life of a rock star.

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I came home exhausted from all that dreaming and making up conclusions for which there was no tangible proof anyway, and the only thing I could think to do after all that was to surf the net again. I sat in front of the monitor for hours, mesmerized by the glowing screen like an idol, but I didn't learn much about Joel. I was frustrated. All I could find out was that he likes ice hockey and sports in general. The rest, however, which flowed from the information about him, was a simple realization that I could not process. He was not a very sociable person and carefully guarded his privacy. He was as mysterious as the mist that you can see, but when you want to grasp it in your hands, you feel just ... nothing.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Days, weeks, months passed. Time flowed from one side to the other, nothing changed in my life, only the interest in Joel was a little less. I haven't seen anything like it since that dream, even though I really wanted it. I wanted another dream, some kind of satisfaction, I longed for a dream that would tear the first one apart and replace it. As if to purify Joel and make him something other than what he had shown before. I know, it's silly. Stupid and childish. Nevertheless, I continued to dream, even though I wasn't falling asleep, I was daydreaming. I had to allow myself to admit that how hard and uncompromisingly the singer took me in the dream was amazing. I was so confused about what I actually wanted! I expect Joel to treat me sensitively and romantically, while at the same time I long for him to grab my hair tightly and kiss me roughly from behind. I don't even know who I am anymore.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It was the end of August. My holidays flew by like water, the holidays were embarrassing and the nights wasted with friends took their toll. The concert was approaching and I was already giddy with excitement. I was thinking about what to wear, what makeup and if I should bring a gift. What if I meet them face to face and all I can give them is a selfie request? That would be embarrassing, I should have something ready just in case. But I had no idea what. There were six of them, too many for me to bring a gift for each separately. Moreover, I had no idea what, everything seemed childish, embarrassing, not good enough for guys. So I decided to buy a box of chocolates. Everyone will have a go, it's not a stuffed animal or anything like that and it's fun at the same time. I also found the dress I decided to wear surprisingly quickly. They were black as night, the high neckline beckoned for flirting, and the smoky makeup only added to the gothic style. I didn't really dress like that though. I don't even listen to hard metal! I don't understand what captivated me about this group of young men who embraced the metal style. I knew that their songs were amazing, absolutely brilliant and incomparable to any I had known up to that point. The icing on the cake was the one I paid the most attention to. Joel struck me as a magnet, a siren that calls and lures his victim with a sweet song. But only so that she would then fall into her power. Then comes destruction.