My Suicidal Love

                                                                      “Love is spontaneous.”

 “Alright,thanks Bill.I’ll see you next week.”

The middle aged man rose from his seat and visibly relaxed as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief.His hands shook and he gave me a weak smile as he showed himself out The door.

When my office door was safely shut with the comforting sound of the lock clicking,I let out a long breath.

So many different people came through that door,so many walks of life.I felt like my office was some kind of neutral territory,where anything was possible.Where the stresses of life could be shed and left at the front door.

That was what I loved about psychiatry,I could help people without having to cut them open on a cold metal table under a white light.I could tackle the more in depth problems that modern medecine could not.It was a liberating feeling.

Like I was doing so much more than looking at organs.I’m not saying that that is irrelevant and unimportant.Surgery does wonders but not for these kinds of problems.

Which from my point of view seem,so much more important.

Maybe this is way psychiatrists and doctors never get along quite so well.

I rose from my leather seat.I’ve always had an attraction to leather.Something about its feel and The wonderful smell it gives my office and how it can change the hue of my room in the evening sunset from its regular cream to a coffee like brown with orange.There was nothing more I loved than an office with leather chairs.

I skirted my chair and came around to my desk,careful to slide open the top drawer and place my notebook in it.

A psychiatrists notebook was his life.It held every note,every thought and every detail on every patient he/she has ever had.I glanced at my recent notes from my latest patient.

Bill Clasbury.

A man just hitting his early 40’s and just gotten past the difficult hurdle in his marriage,the divorce,and with the new attraction to the same sex,he’s needed quite some courage.

As a homosexual myself,I can give him just that.

I must say though,from a personal stand point,he is quite the looker.He’d do well in our world.All he needs is some courage to put himself out there,although I can see how he’d be nervous,going from straight to gay all of a sudden is quite the transition.

But then again,shyness can be quite the turn on.

I end up laughing out loud from my own thoughts.

I sink into my revolving desk chair,a wonderful black leather that molded the body shape of its owner.

Ever since I had set up my own business I had been so “out of the loop” as they say.Basically,I hadn’t screwed anyone in at least a year.

Oh,me and my crude terms,I laughed out loud again.

I wonder if i’ve become “rusty”?

I picked up the phone on my desk and pressed 0.My secretary, Julian answered.

She was a wonderful girl,from America.

“Yes Mr.Yagano?” 

I couldn’t help but giggle to myself at the way her American accent stuck out on my name.

“Hello Julian, do I have any other appointments today?”

She stayed silent and I heard her type on the computer.