Diary entry #1,
Sometimes i struggle with my words and such. Im not good at explaining things and having conversations. Im not dumb or dyslexic or anything, i know words and i use them okay.. jus not as well as others. I dont care to talk to people or be around people for that matter... i like being alone.
I enjoy writing and art and music. I enjoy nature and being out but i also enjoy being in the house if that makes sense. I get emotional over the smallest things and sometimes its not even sadness.
I dont care for parties and events. I dont like big groups of people and i dont like the feeling of people looking/staring at me. I like being with close friends, not distant peers.
I struggle with anxiety, depression and ptsd. I don't like being put in situations that make me anxious or angry. I hate being mad and i don't like when people I don't know approach me.
I enjoy and appreciate the littlest things in life, however, I often wish my mama would've swallowed me instead of pushing me out.
I AM KIYANA CHARLOTTE.
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"Kiyana come get this food" my mother called out. I shut my diary and got up off the couch, making my way into the kitchen.
"Thanks" i said before taking my plate and sitting at the table. "Mhm" she responded, sitting next to me. She made spaghetti.
Finna eat this for the next 2 weeks.
"Where is your brother?" My mama asked before taking a bite of her food. I sighed, forgetting that khylan was gone. He had asked me to cover for him.
"He's at mike's house. He spent the night over there and told me to tell you because he forgot to." I over explained. "Mm" she responded and kept eating.
She cleared her plate and got up from the table. "Im going to bed. Clean this kitchen before you come up." She said, waving me off. I nodded and waited til her door closed before getting up and putting my plate in the microwave.
I jus wasn't hungry.
I loaded up the dishwasher and wiped off the table and counters before sweeping the floor. Once i was finished, I shut all the lights off and made my way upstairs.
I felt kind of guilty for lying to my mom about where my brother was but at the same time, she's better off not knowing.
I should probably go get him tho.
I put on my all black hoodie and wore my north face puffer coat over it. Next, i put on some black joggers and my black yeezy slides. I was warm as fuck.
I grabbed my phone and house key and made sure to lock up the house before making my way down the street. I prayed for nothing to happen to me because one, im in atlanta and two, its dark and late out..
I made two lefts and a right and i found myself at 5ive's house.
I walked up and knocked on the door in a pattern.
*knock knock knock*
*knock knock*
The door opened and a girl stuck her head out.
"Um.. can i help u?" she spoke.
"Yea.. where 5ive?" I asked her. She laughed and opened the door wider before stepping out and crossing her arms. "Why you looking for my nigga?" She asked, pressin me.
"Because he the owner of this house. Fuck is to u?" I asked, getting a lil loud. Its fuckin cold out here and i need to find my brother.
"Bitch you better watch yoself before i- before you what? cus u ain finna bitch me!" I said, cutting her off and taking my hands out my pockets because she started walking up on me.
I was getting ready to punch her in her face but somebody grabbed my arm. I looked back and it was my brother, Khylan. "Chillat" he told me.
"Don't tell me to chillat, tell meel to come get his ho!" I said, looking back at her. "Who the fuck are you calling a ho?" She got loud. Jameel came out and eyed all of us.
"Nae take yo stupid ass in the house" he spoke. She rolled her eyes and went inside. He dapped up khylan and analyzed my body before licking his lips.
"You str8?" He asked me.
I felt butterflies swarm in my stomach and a heartbeat between my legs. I normally dont feel any type of feelings for guys because i dont pay them any mind so this was a first.
"Yeah im alright" i responded. He nodded his head. " igh.. yall be safe." He said before going back into the house.
———
"Why you start with that girl?" Khylan asked, digging in our bowl of popcorn. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie. "Friday" to be exact.
"I didnt start anything.." i told him. "I asked her where meel was and she asked why i was "looking for her nigga" when i was simply trying to ask him where you were" i explained. He nodded his head.
"If she think 5ive "her nigga" then she's delusional as fuck" He said before laughing and putting a few pieces of popcorn in his mouth. "What you mean?" I questioned him, raising my eyebrow.
"5ive dont got no girl nor is he entitled to one. She jus some shit to fuck on." He explained. "5ive ain entitled to no ho." I nodded and let his words sink in..
I always listened to khy about dudes because he was right 9/10.
After the movie, khylan and I went upstairs and went our separate ways but i was up all night. My mind was only focused on one thing.. person... nigga.
Why is he stuck on my mind?
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