"How does that even happen?"
I look at Ben, trying to keep the tears from streaming down my face. "I don't know." I say, chewing on my lip to stop it from shaking. "They said she just left in the middle of the night and someone picked her up and they left."
"Do you know who picked her up?" Ben asks, clueless. "Maybe you can call some of her friends and see where she went? Or call her?"
And now I'm bawling.
All of the pent up emotions I've been holding in since I arrived in Texas explode out of me and I turn away from Ben and Elizabeth and walk into the other room, trying to hide my face and my breakdown.
"Woah, what's going on?" Ben asks, following me into his bedroom. "Sit down, breathe."
I sit on the edge of the bed and fold over on myself, hugging onto my legs with my face mashed into my knees.
I hear Ben moving around me, but my heartbeat is pounding in my ears.
I jump a little when I feel Ben's hand on my back and then feel him sit down beside me. He uses his other hand to pull my shoulder up so that I'm sitting up facing him. I look to the side of the bed where he's laid Elizabeth in her cradle.
I stare at her lying there, trying to focus on the present and shove out all of the stuff I don't want to feel, but looking at her only makes it worse.
When I look at Elizabeth, I can't help but think of Alice.
Alice who abandoned that baby.
Alice who abandoned me long before that.
Alice who I used to love so much but now brings me so much pain to remember her on all of her good days.
Alice who is gone again.
"I don't know...anything." I hiccup.
Ben rubs a small circle on my back between my shoulders. "What do you mean?" He asks quietly, patiently looking at me to explain. I glance into his eyes but I can't hold his stare. It's too kind, no judgment or worry in their dark depths.
I don't want to be seen as weak in front of him, but weak is exactly how I feel right now. Weak and hopeless. The same way I've always felt when it came to my sister.
"She was my best friend, you know?" I say, wiping at my tear streaked cheeks. "She had so many days where she was that person again. Like I could see my sister and not the monster in her eyes. She wasn't always so bad. The real Alice wouldn't do any of this."
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean." Ben says softly, still watching me.
"I haven't seen or spoken to her in years." I tell him and I see him reposition beside me, some understanding washing over him. "She ran away when we were teenagers. She didn't even know our parent's are dead. When I flew in the other day after I heard about Elizabeth was the first time I'd seen her in years, Ben." I sniffle and wipe at my nose. "I don't know any or her friends or even have her number anymore. I have no way to find her and I can't put her out as a missing person because she isn't missing she's just gone again."
"I'm sorry." Ben whispers, reaching over to put his hand over mine on my knee. "I know they told me she was on a lot of drugs...is that why?"
I move my head from side to side. "She's not ok." I say. "She's schizophrenic. She was diagnosed really young. She'd always be fighting with these voices the rest of us couldn't hear. She was afraid all the time. Of herself and of me and our parents. She got into drugs afterwards. She liked the way they made her feel but they make her someone else...my sister isn't the person who would do all of this."
