FORBIDDEN DESIRES

3

The warm rays of sun casted a golden glow around the greens. The melodious chirping of birds in sync with the sound of flowing river. Everything appeared bright and hopeful. The warmth of it such a cacoon around my heavy heart.

There, I laid upon perhaps the most comforting bedding ever invented which was more of a product of Creator.

I slowly inhaled in the fresh air of the valley, a very familiar smell floating around in the air which had me opening my eyes. The piercing sun rays, such a sweet torture to my naked eyes.

Slowly, the surroundings became clearer to me and I found myself resting in someone's arms. Their light stubble poking the side of my head. It all felt so familiar, the bobbing adams apple while he talked, the long and thick neck, the same arms...

It was still the same....

I gazed up at the man holding me near him, so tightly as if I was the most precious valuable he has ever possessed.

My eyes squinted at the assault of sun at sharp noon, the air, cool and humid.

As a reaction to my continuously stirring body, the man gazed down at me. His leaning body serving as a barrier between the sun and me, saving me from it's devilish assault.

I always used to contemplate as to how I was going to react the next I see him, the exact man haunting my each and every dream for the past five years.

But now that I sat beside him, I saw myself contently smiling at him. It was, as if, an out of body experience, where I could see two hearts beating only for each other. Two souls living for the sake being reunited in the afterlife. The faces smiling at each other, the smile so bright that it could put sun to shame.

And then it hit. The feeling... that was so palpable in the air that it was near suffocating.  It was love....

I loved him.....

Then it all changed....

Like it always do....

It was as if I was stuck in a cyclone, it was suddenly so windy around me. And he was fading, slowly, away from me. And no matter how much I tried to, I couldn't grab onto him.

Until I found myself in some sort of  a morbid mirror maze. And each mirror contained a glimpse of me but with a different expression plastered on my face. Some were happy, some were sad, most of all they were all pretentious.

Like he was.

Lying to me on my face. Presenting himself as someone he never was and expecting me to be okay with it.

To think that I loved a person I never really knew....

I jolted up on my bed, my breathing heavy. I was soaked in sweat as the room felt suffocating. I could hear myself panting as I stepped out of my bed, not caring about anything as the only priority that existed for me at the moment was to get somewhere open. Somewhere I can breathe.

I slid open the glass windows and peeked my head out of it. My lungs starting to hurt as I continuously gasped for air. I could feel my eyes watering as my chest heaved up and down with every intake of air.

It took me what felt like hours to calm down. The tension around me getting lighter. My struggle for air calming it's harnesses down. I wiped away the moisture from under my eyes, now realizing what had just happened.

Another panic attack. Another nightmare. The guilt that was still weighing down my chest with unpleasantness was what made it a nightmare. The love in his eyes, even in my dreams was what my guilt stemmed from. It was the same look he used to look at me with in the past. Now I can't believe I have him left only in my dreams. That I had distant myself from him so far away, that I wonder would I still recognize him when I see him again?