FORBIDDEN DESIRES

5

The world around me took a spin or was it in my head? The ground beneath me shook or was it me feeling dizzy? Whatever it was, it felt like a blow to my guts. It was as if whatever I believed, hoped, prayed all these years came unfolding before me in a tragic reality.

Before my eyes, I saw the only man I have ever loved and believed, holding the hands of another woman. So oblivious to my presence,  he smiled brightly at the woman who stood beside him. Sure move on is a thing and he has all the right in the world to claim the happiness he truly deserves but why does my heart feels betrayed?

People say, true love is when you find peace in the happiness of your lover then why does my heart raging in jealousy upon the sight before me. Was my love not true enough? Or people talk too superficially when it comes to love. Setting unachievable examples just to prove their point.

Slowly I took shaking steps back, the crowd swallowing me in their hubbub, taking me away from their sight. I let others pushed me back, the farther the better. Until all I could see was nameless heads and posh suits.

With heavy steps, I turn away and walked towards the nearest bathroom. Once I reached an empty washroom,  I locked myself in their and came face to face with my reflection in the mirrors.

I clutched the marbled countertop to support my weight as my eyes lifted up to face the sadness that was bound to reflect on my face after what I have just witnessed. But what I expected was such a contradiction to what I saw in the mirror. Surely Grace has done her job wonderfully because I looked better than my expectations in the mirror.

If one can read eyes, then only they can see the hollowness, the pinch of betrayal, the realisation of false promises in it. I stared into the empty blues of my orbs, the burning of my nose intensified as I tried to hold in the tears of despair. I lost my battle when a single tear drop slid down my caked up cheeks, inviting some others to follow suit.

I sniffled in silence as my head hung low, my tear drops forming a small puddle on the pristine white countertops.

I don't actually know why I am crying or do I even have the right to cry on the love which I had kicked away from my life years ago in the fit of ungratefulness.

I ended it with my own hands and now I am acting like I have any right to play the victim!

I should be happy right now! I should feel content that he finally found the woman who loves him the way he is. Then again, does she knows who he is? His preference? His interest into BDSM? Or he is keeping her in the dark just like me. For a small fraction of second, in the darkest corners of my brain, an idea struck. What if I tell her about his real side, break her happy bubble then will she leave him? Making him lonely and single once again? If I am in pain then he too should suffer, right? But the bigger part and more sensible side of my conscience overpowered as I realised how selfish it is of me, trying to wipe the smile from someone's lips in the hope to find my own happiness somewhere in their pain.

I wish I could change the way I am reacting. Is this love? Being selfish? Then what happened to when people label love as selfless? By now I am sure that these people with such high ideologies regarding love has never experienced it even once in their life. Because had they been in love, they would have known that love is not being selfess, prioritizing others happines over yours, praying that your partner moves on in their life and finds happiness in someone else. Love is the act of sheer greed and barbarism. Where people could kill just to be with their lovers. It is the force of love only that can compel the sweetest of hearts to challenge the norms of humanity and the ideals of good.

A loud banging on the washroom doors tore me away from my musings. I wiped off the moisture from under my eyes and quickly pulled out the compact powder from my purse. Dabbing a good amount of dry powder on my under eyes, I fixed my dishelved look and opened the doors. The lady that was standing there at the gate gave me irritated looks at first. Her legs were crossed as she stood, holding her pee probably. But as she noticed my probably still red eyes, her face scrunched into one of pity and she rubbed her palms up and down my arms before walking past me to one of the stalls.

Wow, comforting much?!

As I was descending the staircase, I felt someone grab my arms and pull me to the corner. "What the hell?!" I turned around only to see an upset Marjorie glaring down at me.

"Where were you since last twenty minutes?!" She seethe in anger. Her eye balls narrowing down at me as if I am some escaped prisoner.

"Uh, oh constipation!" I bent down a bit, clutching my tummy.

"Oh poor girl!" She uttered in pity then quickly brushed it off, "the dinner has started. Go down and help Grace." She instructed and before I could speak of any words of protest, I found her sauntering away.

Relax Audrey. You have done nothing wrong and he is no devil. So there is no need to hide yourself from him. Just face it.

I gave myself a peptalk before walking down to the corner where we have setup the buffet.

Grace was giving instructions to the servers as I approached her. My eyes taking in the surroundings wary to find the light blue eyes glaring at me anytime.

"Hey! Is there something I could help with?" I whispered slowly to her.

"Oh Audrey! I was searching for you every where." She spoke rather loudly as if I was some deaf duck.

I winced at her shrill tone, and rubbed my ears to soothe it.

She instead handed over me the charge of serving two different kinds of dishes on the table.

I knew it very well that now when everyone is already settled, he would too be sitting there. And serving the dishes meant an inevitable encounter with him.

Sure I gave myself a long peptalk on how to face the music but that is when fate made us encounter. That does not includes me parading infront of him. And I need minimal contact with him to survive this night.

"How about this, you serve the dishes and I will take charge of the music? The DJ is sucking tonight." I suggested to Grace, my voice extra sweet.

She was too busy instructing the waiters to give my suggestion a second thought. So she mindlessly nodded at whatever I said and turned around to the waiters.

I took that as my cue to leave and instantly marched to the other side of the hall  where our whole music system was setup.

The DJ was a noob at this. Maybe this is why he was charging so less?!

"Hey, can you please play some soothing piano tunes on it? I guess nobody prefers jazz while eating?"

"Oh! Yeah sure Ma'am." The young boy immediately switched to some indie song, though I suggested piano tunes. Nevertheless the lyrics were beautiful.

As I was standing there, facing the DJ, I felt a sharp gust of cool breeze hit my legs which lead to a trail of goosebumps erupt all over my body. The temperature of the hall seemed to drop to minus as I felt immense cold and uncomfortable in the midi dress that I wore for the evening.

I licked my now drying lips as I could feeling someone's eyes boring into my back. My heart beats picked up it's speed at the possibility of him finally noticing me. A war began in my head in between the choices regarding me turning around or not.

If I turn around now, it will lead me to crossing my path with an old love again which may include a series of future encounters as well now that he knows that I am in New York, he may try to reignite our contact? My heart skipped a beat at the possibility. Maybe that will tag along a couple of confessions from my side as well.

Or if I don't turn around, and slip away from the event instead. Taking the excuse of poor health and constipation, I can easily dodge away any disappointment that can come my way due to my carelessness and once again go back into hiding and never meet him again in life.

It's so strange that one move of yours can change your whole life. Just one moment, one decision and your whole life will be affected by it.

But above all was the temptation of seeing him again. It was like a lost part of heart has suddenly made an appearance infront of me and if I don't get it back, my heart will forever remain incomplete...

In the spur of the moment, weakened by my temptations, I turned around.

And there ladies and gentlemen, my whole life took a new turn....

***

Finally, they found each other!

What do you think will be Vincent's reaction when he sees Audrey after five long years?

Love, Bailey.