FORBIDDEN DESIRES

7

I roamed around the deserted streets of New york, lead astray by my own heart. There is this pit in my heart which is so hollow and dark. One which I am aware of the reason that caused it and the one I have no idea on how to fill it back.

The streets were dark, only illuminated by bleak rays of a broken street lamp. I have no idea where are my feet carrying me but my heart knows that it is necessary. Necessary for me to walk until my toes sore up and my ankles get blisters. It is only apt for me to feel pain in my joints so that the void in my heart stops bothering me this much.

I have no idea how to express what I am feeling right now except that I want a warm chest I can snuggle into, a welcoming embrace in which I can confide all my worries and troubles. A pair of non-judgmental ears who are ready to hear me out. With no complains. Oh, how much I miss my mother right now!

New York is a beautiful and sparkling city. But even the youthful hubbub in the streets couldn't stop a flower from withering, I thought as I stared at a lifeless plant contained in a broken earthen pot outside someone's home.

I sat there, beside that dried plant, comprehending my life choices. I stared into my open palms and started weighing my good decisions in my right hand and bad decisions in my left hand. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't find a balance between them, my left palm always outweighs right one. Leading me to ponder hard on what is actually good or bad. Or is it all an illusion?

If there was something like a good decision in the world then why everyone else seems to make bad ones? Even when you use all the wisdoms and honesty in the universe, you still get struck atleast once in your life, in a situation where you are compelled to think about 'what if'.

And this very moment right here, is the 'what if' moment for me.

What if I hadn't left him five years ago?

What if we were still dating?

What if he still dotes on me?

What if he too stole glances at me the entire evening?

What if he came after me, when I left the hall two hours ago?

What if he wants to talk to me?

So many what ifs....I wish we humans had the ability to see into the future. Maybe then I would have been able to see what our future holds for us? I mean who would have thought we will meet again after five years of break up?

~

It has been two days since the fundraiser. We have collected a decent amount for the renovation of the building. Or it is what Marjorie has informed us.

But she specifically mentioned the name of Richmond enterprises and explained how they have agreed to fund our school wholly. Like they will be investing a huge amount in our school and then become some sort of trustees of it.

Which is probably another bad news in a row this week. Him becoming a trustee of our school means that I will be seeing him more often. Which makes me doubt that he intentionally decided to sponsor this kindergarten because he wanted to see me? Yeah, call me delusional. But this is what my brain is constantly harassing me into believing.

And how am I going to react around him now?

I stared into my reflection in the glass of my table, the clock ticking with every passing moment that I spent in his memory.

I think I should stop thinking about it so much. Everyone has exes around the world and someday they encounter each other and most of the time they don't even recognize each other especially when they are meeting after five long years.