Kamu Bandar Yang Takkan Pernah Hilang (WIP)

Bab 4

Ditemani Alunan Golden Hour oleh JKVE

Je suis, Sophie.

Pabila dia bercerita tentang atuknya, jujur aku cemburu. Kerana itu, aku cepat-cepat menekan loceng walaupun sebenarnya aku sudah menukar fikiran untuk ke tempat lain. Dalam kecemburuan itu, aku merasa kesesakan dalam fikiran dan aku tak mampu lagi mendengar ceritanya. Sekurang-kurangnya dia kehilangan kepada kematian, aku ditinggalkan ketika aku baru mahu mengenal erti kehidupan.

I was an adopted child. My mother gave me away. 

For this reason, I have always believed that I am unworthy of love. At the limit of an abandoned child like me, the world that we call love will eventually disappear. Each story about love will be lost on the little girl who comes to this place. Her eyes will open upon love at first, and in the next second, pitch darkness awaits. It engulfs the little girl. For this is the limit of it-and therefore a place where no abandoned girl can be.

The only thing that I know about her is that she was an artist who loves hippie kind of life and she got me at a very young age-younger than my age now. I guess she loves her ambition and herself more than her own blood. Aku bencikan perbuatannya yang lari dari tanggungjawab dan aku lebih bencikan diri sendiri kerana aku tahu ada kekurangannya pada diriku sampai dia tak mahu membesarkan aku. Entah kenapa aku masih menyimpan satu-satunya gambar dengannya di dalam dompet. Pelbagai keadaan aku bayangkan berulang kali-terutamanya kemungkinan aku berjumpa nya di mana-mana. Setiap kali aku mencarinya dan ternampak gambarnya di internet, aku tak mempunyai kekuatan untuk mencapai gagang telefon untuk mendengar suaranya.

I don't know where to begin. I don't even know how to be a woman. I feel like there will always be that little abandoned girl in me. Pada masa yang sama, aku berazam menjadi wanita yang berlainan dari dia. Jika pada satu hari nanti aku ditakdirkan mempunyai anak, aku takkan pernah meninggalkan dia dan aku akan menatangnya bagai minyak penuh. Jika aku tidak ditakdirkan mempunyai anak ataupun aku tak mampu menerima cinta dari sesiapa pun, aku akan menjadi arkitek yang paling berjaya dalam dunia supaya nama ku bakal kelihatan di pelusuk dunia-supaya satu hari nanti dia akan sedar meninggalkan aku adalah kesalahan terbesar dalam hidup yang pernah dia lakukan.

Unlike her, an abandoned child like me knows that the moment I begin to lose my bearings, I will find where I stand in this earth without a mother. In her absence throughout these years, I discover the truest form of love-even at the limit of an abandoned girl; once upon a fortunate day, a beautiful man adopted me. 

My dad.

The light of my life. Tiada apa yang boleh aku adu. Dia sentiasa cuba menjadi bapa yang sempurna untukku, walaupun kadangkala dia ada kekurangan dari segi komunikasi kerana jadual kerjanya yang sentiasa sibuk. Pabila aku bertanya pelbagai soalan tentang ibuku untuk mendapatkan kepastian, dia akan berdiam saja. Katanya, aku belum bersedia menerima kenyataan. Tunggu aku membesar menjadi seorang wanita supaya aku dapat memahami serba sedikit tentang kehidupan sebenar.

Katanya:

There are forty-one theories to describe dejavu, ten influential memory studies and a phenomenon that describes time in linear form creates our personal identities. The truth is only one. Our understanding about life as a human being is limited-each one of our thoughts lack a little je ne sais quoi. Our mind drowned us possibly way more than we could have imagined.

Most people think that our identities are shaped based on the way we are brought up but sometimes, there is a different perspective of it. Some people grow in spite of it. Morals define who we are. Some memories don't. You have grown so much throughout your life. Might as well make it glorious, right Sophie?

Setiap kali aku mahu berputus asa, aku akan mengingati kata-katanya itu padaku. Mungkin kerana itu juga, aku menulis cerita ini.

Kepada sesiapa yang membaca, cerita tentang pertemuanku dengan Yusuf di Sydney, cerita tentang persahabatanku dengan Julia, tentang bapaku dan Don, kawan baikku will help you to understand my perspectives about the concept of self identity while going through so many crossroads in my life.

Beware of losing yours.

Because when you are approaching the sense of loss, you have to find all of the strength that you have to pull yourself back. If you don't, you may lead yourself to an even more complicated forking paths. We all know making the tiniest shift or deviation to our decision based on a floating memory can cause our lives to be entirely different. Some outcome might favor you. Some might doom your life to the end. That's what happened to most people, no?

The truth is, at the beginning of the story, I never feel belonged anywhere because I was given away by a person who is supposed to love me unconditionally. So how can an abandoned little girl who grow as a detached person finally opens up to live her life to the fullest by the end of the story?

Like finding the right song that you could not resist repeating hundred times and finding the lines that send shivers down your spine. Finally being able to burst into tears. Of joy. Of overwhelming train of thoughts that will lead you to the peak of never-ending potentials. Of finally arriving at one spectacular destination. The kind of heaven on earth one can only dream to reach-to be loved and finally being able to love yourself. 

I found a supernova at the end of the tunnel;

Just waiting to be uncovered by you.