From Up Here

31.

| | Ryan | |

I was one hundred percent in love with Garrett. I have no doubt in my mind about that. I never doubted my love for him nor his love for me. Never once did I think that marrying him would have been a mistake or that someone else could ever steal us from one another. I believed we were soul mates.

So was I wrong? Or can you have two soul mates?

Because as hard as I tried to deny and fight it, Ryker Davis was never meant to be just my best friend.

When I'm with Ryker, I feel like I am finally free to be me, Ryan.

I don't have to dress uncomfortably in clothes I don't like, or wear make up I despise waking up in the morning to put on like I do to be work Ryan.

I don't have to keep my mouth shut when I know my insight and opinions would actually bring value to the discussion. I don't have to constantly be nervous of his opinion of me like I do when I'm Allie's Ryan.

I don't have to eat fancy food at overpriced restaurants I don't like and sometimes can't even pronounce. I don't have to stay in the uncomfortable work Ryan costume even after working hours are long gone. I don't have to prove myself and my interest or commitment or self or anything, all of these which I have to do when I am Dash's Ryan.

When I'm with Ryker, I don't even have to talk about Garrett or anything about my life before we met. I don't have to listen to him tell me it's time to move on or try to force me to date - none of the things that Tilly's Ryan has to endure.

I know Ryker feels it too. I know that when we're together, he feels the relief and the understanding. He can breathe and be at ease with me, just as I can with him. Even before he said the words out loud, I knew it to be true.

Garrett felt like sunshine, bringing light to my life when I needed it. He could make me laugh when I thought I could never stop crying. He made me smile when I thought it would physically pain me to do so. He made everything with my parents and my life before seem so small and dismal compared to the future he could give me. Garrett was good, concrete, love, happiness, joy, stability. He was all good things, all the things I needed and wanted for the rest of my life.

But Ryker...

Ryker is...

I think Ryker is my home.

Which is why when there's a sudden pounding on his front door, followed by a voice shouting his name, I want to call out to them and tell them to go away.

I want them to leave so that I can continue to kiss my best friend, the best friend I've ever had. I want to continue to feel this sense of home and wholeness that has suddenly taken over my whole body, my whole mind, maybe even my whole soul.

Ryker must agree with me because he makes no move to end our connection and answer his rather persistent knocking visitor. Just like earlier when he paid no mind to his ringing phone, instead putting all his attention and focus on us - on getting to this very moment. A moment that I'm sure every one will agree was a long time coming. Despite out stubborness to deny what everyone else could see.

Ryker moves a hand to cup my cheek and I instantly am reminded of the night he drunkingly touched me in the same way. A thousand thoughts about that night start to click into place, but before I can think too much on it, I hear the front door open and Ryker jerks away from me, his hand falling from my face.