From Up Here

9

||Ryker||    

Tonight has not been what I had expected.

I hadn't expected to have fun, to dance and enjoy myself with not only Ryan but an entire crowd of strangers. I never thought that I would see Ryan cry tonight or that it would crush my heart to see her that way, standing there as if she's a million miles away with her soul shattered. I don't know what caused the change in her mood, maybe it was the song like she said, but I couldn't stand to see her that way - so when she asked me to have fun with her, I did. My mind and every nerve in my body was screaming in protest, hating that I was so out of my element, but after awhile everything inside of me went quiet and I was able to finally enjoy the moment like I never have before.

Social situations aren't my thing, they never have been. When I'm in a crowd or at an event, even when I actually want to be there, my body is on high alert, making me uncomfortable and stand offish. I know that I come off rude and insensitive but I don't mean to, I just genuinely can't help it, it's like I have no control of my own mind and feelings sometimes. 

When I was younger I would get frustrated with myself and shut down, not talking to anyone for days. I'd stay in my room and cry quietly while trying to figure out why no one wanted to be friends with me, or why my siblings found it so easy to talk to people and smile. My dad would get upset with me when I wouldn't come out of my room to eat dinner with the family or when I said something out of line while we were out shopping or at the bike shop. Link spent years fighting off bullies and helping me practice my social skills so that I wasn't such a complete mess all the time. 

My mom was the only person to ever really understand me. She would let me sit alone in a corner and draw privately for hours, never making me put down my crayons to go outside and play with the other kids if I didn't want to. She never got embarrassed or angry when I would say something rude or out of turn, she never tried to change me. The older I got, the closer I became with my mom, even after I learned to live with my burden and had made a few friends. She was the only person that knew about my art, the only one to know how I felt about myself, and the only person I could truly be myself with. 

My mom's death hit me harder than I could have ever imagined and for awhile I thought that I was going to retreat back to my childhood ways of hiding in my room and avoiding everyone and everything. I didn't though, thanks to my brother and sister, who held me together and walked me through the months that followed our mother's death. We became closer than ever after that - and even closer than that when our dad was diagnosed with cancer.

Ryan's hand tightens around mine and I'm reminded where I am. She slows to a walk, her breathing heavy from running for the past few blocks and her hair is falling in her face and she uses her free hand to push it away, giving me a clear view of her flushed face and excited eyes, "Are we almost there?" 

I look over my shoulder towards the street and back to the girl before me, "Just a few more blocks." My own lungs burn a little from the running, but I'm so buzzed from this new feeling of freedom and weightlessness that I barely notice. 

"Okay, let's go." My hand is still in hers and I can't help but laugh when she takes off running through the New York streets, pulling me along behind her. Back at the concert, when I saw Ryan jumping around and living in the moment, feeling the bass beneath her feet and not caring how ridiculous she looked or sounded as she screamed the lyrics, I was jealous of her. I was jealous that she got to have fun and not be weighed down for reasons she didn't understand. I was jealous that Ryan is the type of person people want to be around and befriend.