From Up Here

27

 | | Ryan | |

Sydney Davis has very quickly become one of my best friends. 

Which is precisely why I showed up to her family's shop at 7 am with a bag of muffins and ready to spill my guts to her about my situation with Dash. While her brother helped me tremendously with my feelings about myself and the situation, I need an insight on what I should actually do about the relationship - or lack of relationship. 

I'm sure I could have asked Ryker, but I get the feeling that he dislikes Dash just as much as Dash dislikes him. Maybe even more. 

I could also talk to Tilly, but she's just as much Dash's friend as she is mine and I don't want to put her in the middle of this. Plus, I already know what she would say. He's hot and rich, make him yours before it's too late. Garrett was her brother and I know that she mourns him too, but sometimes I think she forgets that he was more to me - that he was everything to me. 

"Bless you. You sweet, perfect, beautiful girl." Sydney gushes as I sit the bag of muffins on the counter before her. She licks her lips as she opens the brown bag and reaches a hand inside. I laugh as she passes it to me, taking an enormous bite as I pull a blueberry muffin out for myself.

Once she's done chewing, she wipes the crumbs from her mouth and turns her attention to me. "So what did you want to talk about?" 

"I was actually hoping to get your advice about something." 

Taking a seat and pulling out the stool next to her, she motions for me to take a seat. "I'm all ears."

Moving around the counter, I place my breakfast on the counter before me and take a seat. "So it's about Dash." 

She nods for me to continue as she reaches for her coffee. 

"So, you know how we've been seeing each other for a few months now." Another nod. "Well, the other night we kind of got into an argument because he thinks that I'm using him to move on from what happened with Garrett." 

I pick off a piece of my muffin and let it fall onto the napkin as I wait for Sydney to say something. "Is that what he said?" 

"He knows all about Garrett, so he said that he's not pushing anything that I'm not ready for but he needs to know if there's something worth waiting for and working toward." 

"Do you want to work toward something with him?"

"I like him, I do. But, he's the first guy I've dated since everything happened and - I don't know, I don't want to jump into something or commit to something when I'm still figuring things out and healing." I'm not ready, I still reach for Garrett in my sleep and I still find myself crying at the smallest things that remind me of him. 

"I'm confused. If he knows about Garrett and he says that he still isn't going to push you about it, then why is he bringing up the fact that he thinks you're using him?"

I pick off another bite of my muffin, this time placing it in my mouth and taking a considerably long amount of time to chew. 

"Did something happen to make him question you?" 

I really don't want to tell her about Dash being jealous of Ryker. She and Link are both convinced that there is something going on with me and their brother. They tease Ryker about it all the time, and have even asked me about it a few times - though as far as I know that all ended when Dash and I became a thing.

"Ryan, did something happen?" 

What the hell?  "No, nothing happened. He just thinks that - he thinks that there's something going on with Ryker and I." 

I look over at her. I can tell that she's biting her tongue, wanting to say something but afraid of how I may react. But I don't mind, I get why everyone thinks that there's something going on with Ryker and me. He's different around me and in a way I"m different around him too, we spend all of our free time together, we're close, and yeah sometimes we may even seem like a couple. But that's the beauty of being best friends - we're there for each other in a way that no one else can be. 

Ryker makes me feel... okay, like everything isn't falling apart and I'm going to be fine. Maybe not today and maybe not next week, but one day I'll be fine. 

"Whatever it is you want to say, you can say it, Syd." 

She studies me for a second, "I'm just going to be blunt, okay?" 

"I would expect nothing else." While Sydney and Link aren't blunt in the same way as Ryker, they still hold nothing back. 

"I've known my brother my whole life, and it's no secret that he's closed off, anti social and emotionless at times. Sure, he can fake it for customers or doctors, but - but he's never really been present or shown true happiness, he's never seemed comfortable being himself or smiled. You know what I mean, right?" 

I nod, thinking about the way I count him smiles and how I'm still in awe of his moods or the things he says at times. Like the night he told me he thinks I'm pretty and his fingers brushed my cheek... "I know what you mean." 

"I know that you two are just friends, I do. I know that there's nothing secretly going on between the two of you, but I hope that one day it does become more."

"Syd - "

"Ryan, the only person Ryker has ever felt like he could be himself around was our mom. And even then, it wasn't like this. It's hard to explain, but you make him happy. You make him himself, and I know that he's helping you as well. So, I know that you're just friends and I know that you're both healing in different ways, but one day I just hope it all comes together." 

I don't really know how to reply. She's right - he is helping me, probably more than she or anyone realizes. Before I met Ryker I was obsessed with my work and barely keeping my balance on that tight rope of life. I spent all my time alone, only going out when Tilly would force me to, and I couldn't go a day without falling into that pit of memories and heartache. 

I know that Ryker is different around me. I've always known that Ryker is different around me. I don't know what he thinks of it, or if he even thinks of it. I just know that I'm grateful for him - and for his family. I'm grateful for the rooftop and I'm grateful for Ally giving me the Davis family project. 

I don't know what to say to Sydney, so I look away and pick another piece off of my muffin. Her words echo in my head and I try not to think about the way I felt that night when Ryker was drunk and calling me pretty. I try not to think of the way he touched my hair and said he liked the color. 

"You know, Monica's was where Ryker and our mom went for breakfast every Sunday morning. Even when she got really sick, they still went. If she couldn't go because she was in the hospital or just too sick to get out of bed, he would go pick up their usual order and bring it to her."

"Really? I can see why, everything there is delicious." 

"Ryker quit going after she died. It was too hard for him, a lot of things became too hard for him. But he took you there. His first time back since our mom was with you. That's when I knew you were special to him, whether he knows it yet or not. He let you in on one of the most precious parts of himself, and I have hope because of that."